Dad;*walking around with a shirt with corn on a cob printed on*
Me; "What are you wearing??" Dad; "its my crop top"
I took our body weight scale out to weigh myself
And after stepping on the scale I pulled in my stomach, to which my girlfriend reacted: "you know that doesn't help at all". I told her "sure it does, now I can see the numbers"
My wife left me because I am insecure
No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee
I just bought new shoes from my drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with but I've been trippin all day.
Most slutty costume for Halloween goes to?
That girl dressed up as my professor, she barely covered anything important.
Some guy just accused me of breaking into his car and stealing his subwoofer.
It was a bassless accusation.
What’s a pirate’s favourite letter?
You'd think it would be "R" or "C", but it's actually "P", because without it, he'd be irate.
I can’t stand high frequency noises.
It Hertz my ears.
My wife is doing a sponsored parachute jump tomorrow and I am genuinely terrified that the chute won’t open.
Last time something that big hit the earth, the fucking dinosaurs got wiped out.
My Brother’s wedding was very emotional…
Even the cake was in tiers.
What’s Irish and stays out all summer?
Patty O’Furniture
I think my boss just made me his sexual advisor
He said, "When I want your fucking advice, I'll ask for it" Hopefully there is a pay rise involved.
I asked my mum, “How much is a couple?”
"2 or 3" she replied. Probably explains why her marriage collapse
The shortest sentence is ‘I am.’
The longest sentence is ‘I do.’
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
I’ve never actually seen someone use a newspaper to kill a spider, shoes work better
https://ift.tt/3bGffYi
I was passing by my son’s bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow, addressed to, ‘Dad’. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands…
"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Joshua. P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!"
A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing… they keep saying ‘Hi, we’re hot… do you want to *fuck us*?'”
"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots… to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filth, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship the good Lord." So the next day, the lady brings her two female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hot. Do you want to fuck us?” One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "put the bible away you idiot, our prayers have been answered!"
My neighbours listen to great music
Whether they like it or not
The swordfish has few predators in the wild.
Except for the rare penfish, which is said to be mightier.
My son and I were fishing and He said to me, “i used to know a guy with a wooden leg named Smith”.
I replied, “funny, what was the name of his other leg”.
I don’t want to sound racist but…
Everyone in the KKK looks the same to me…
What do we want?
Hearing aids! When do we want them! Hearing aids!
“Is that your dog?”
No,actually it is adopted. My wife and I were unable to conceive a dog naturally.
What’s a bowlers favorite kind of vegetable?
A spare I guess
If babies are delivered by a stork,
Then fat babies must be delivered by a crane.
My son’s math teacher called him average…
I just think he’s mean.
You know what they say about cliffhangers..
No text found
I’m terrified of random letters
me: i'm terrified of random letters therapist: you are? me: [screams] therapist: oh i see me: [screaming intensifies]
I consider myself to be quite a pussy magnet
Now if I can just figure out how to change the polarity.