Dad;*walking around with a shirt with corn on a cob printed on*

The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.

Through the Dumbell door.

They have a foot fetish

..would have been a nice gesture had we not been driving at 60mph

I still fell for it.

A nomad.

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to hand him the money. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much,to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 year

looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability. So the couple produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery. The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple's care. The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills." Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment. This time the wife explains, "Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet." The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?" The husband says, "It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon."

They’re like “ooh I want to see it” But when I take it out of the freezer, they’re all “I have to be going.”

Hot, cross bunnies.

When the bouncer tries to stop him, the guy says "let me through, I'm fucking rich." The bouncer, eager for a tip, lets him through. The guy proceeds right to the VIP section, past the ropes, and sits down at the best table. The bouncer tries to stop him again, but the guy says "I can sit wherever I want, I'm fucking rich." Again, the bouncer decides to let the guy sit down, still hoping for a big tip. The guy then walks behind the bar, grabs the most expensive top-shelf bottle, and takes it back to his table. The bouncer, realizing that the owner will fire him for letting a guest grab such an expensive bottle, stops the guy a third time and says "I don't care how wealthy you are, you can't have that bottle." All the sudden a huge man, dwarfing the bouncer, taps him on the shoulder and tells the bouncer to let the guy keep the bottle. Indignant at the bold statement, the bouncer replies "and who the hell are you?" "Rich."

anyways I lost my job at the aquarium today

But that's his story and he's sticking to it.

U

Why bother? They won't come anyways.

Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?" The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin." "Not bad doc!" she says. "Not bad at all!" "Well…" says the doctor. "Am I right, then? Do you have a boyfriend from Wisconsin?" She smiles and explains, "Nope, but I've got a girlfriend from Michigan!"

No text found

They come into his house, and he throws off his shoes, and holy Jesus christ almighty his toes! The Hooker Asks: "Oh my god, what is with your toes?!" The guy responds with: "I had TOElio when I was younger" They move on, the guy takes off his pants and HOLY CRAP his knees they're all wrinkly and it's indescribable. "Oh God! Your Knees! What's wrong with your knees?!" "Oh I had KNEEsles when I was younger" She lifts up the bedsheet and says: "Yeah looks like you had smallcocks too"

It was motherfucking gold

I was shocked.

If I hear any more moaning.. I'm stopping inviting people to my house.

No text found

Can’t say I’m surprised.

They will kill your dog

Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

It hasn't come out yet

His goatee

Shit, I meant to post this somewhere else.

Then I realised she can't even.

This is the donning of the "h" of Ahquarius.

I was watching that American TV show "Modern Family" and it got me thinking about the time I took my son out for his first drink. ​ We went down the street to the local pub, only a couple of blocks away. ​ I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like it, so I drank it. ​ I ordered him a Smithwick's. He hated it, so I drank it. ​ I bought him a Murphy's, he spit it out, so I drank it. ​ I tried him with that bland American beer Coors, he barely took a sip and pushed it away, so I drank it. ​ I figured maybe he would like Irish Whiskey instead, so I got him a shot of Jameson 18 year. He choked on it, so yeah, I drank that too. ​ I had him try Redbreast 12 year, the year's Irish Whiskey Awards top whiskey. ​ He turned away, wouldn't even smell it. What else could I do – I drank it! ​ When I finally realized he just doesn't like alcohol, I was so shit-faced I could barely push his stroller home! ​ ​ ​ ​

Please come quickly.

But don't worry, I'm 0K.

7YO: Knock knock! Me: Who's there? 7YO: Europe Me: Europe who? 7YO: (with mock outrage) I'm not a poo! you're a poo!

She was filthy and smelled awful but I knew under all the grime there was a pretty girl. So I took her in and bathed her and as I towelled her down I became aroused. One thing led to another and next minute we were frantically fucking on the bathroom floor. At one point I was banging her so hard you'd have sworn she was still alive

It was absolutely ribbiting

A commen-tator!