Why is the paper glowing?
Because the paper is light.
Bouncer?
Bouncer: "I'm going to have to ask you to leave." "Why?" "I don't know who you are and this is my trampoline."
When I was in college, I used to live on a houseboat and started dating the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
The KGB, the FBI and the Cia are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals.
The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it. The CIA people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rabbit does not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming. The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
The recipe said, “Put the stew in at 180 degrees” , so I did…
Now it's all over the bottom of the oven…
A man came home to discover that someone had stolen all his lamps.
He was delighted.
In America, dogs are K9…
In China, dogs are E10.
At 98 years old, my grandfather had the body of a 27 year old.
Unfortunately, the police found it.
Someone broke into my house and stole my limbo stick…
How low can you go?
What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
You're too young to smoke.
How do you make 7 even?
By removing the S.
As a doctor I never made a joke about an unvaccinated baby.
But let me give it a shot.
I always used to wonder why golfers would shout “fore”…
Then it hit me.
My wife told me vacation sex was the best…
Worst postcard ever.
What did the ghost say to the bartender when he entered the bar?
"I'm just here for the boos."
“Son In Iraq I killed 15 people.”
Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic Dad:Never said I was a good one
I finally have a girlfriend
Now I wish I could post it on an other subreddit
Me at age 10: “I wish I was a dog. They’re always happy, get to run around all day, and everyone loves them!”
Me at age 24: "I wish I was a dog. I'd have died by now."
My 8 year old pulled this on me
Daughter: Dad, are you smart? Me: Yes. Daughter: Spell it. Me: S-M-A-R-T Daughter: You said you’re smart but you can’t even spell the word “it.” She got me good.
What is an electricians favorite type of news
Current events
There’s a guy on boat with two cigarettes and nothing else. How does he light one?
He throws a cigarette off the boat and the boat becomes…a cigarette lighter
Insulting bus driver.
A woman got on a bus, holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
The creator of winrar is arrested
His trial is expected to last forever
What’s E.T. Short for?
So he can fit in his spaceship
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time…
are they guilty of resisting a rest?