It’s Christmas Eve. (I’ll let myself out…)
Let me know if you can't come
When I called customer service about it they said, “ oh that’s just a freebie.”
You don’t want to press your luck.
I thought to myself, "What a weird way to start a conversation."
When it becomes apparent.
So the Bar tender says “Hey man, whats with the wheel?” so the Pirate tells him “Arrrr, its Drivin’ me nuts!”
we just clicked
Look for fresh prints.
A pain in the ass…
They’re soft drinks.
You’ve seen the mall.
So I removed the whole mirror. I haven’t looked back since.
I have a father figure.
So I turned on the air conditioning.
Me: "I invented a new car. It's powered by silence!" My friend: "Wow, this is going to revolutionize the industry!" Me: "Yeah, it goes without saying."
There was nothing left but de Brie.
IT WAS SIR EEL
During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously. "Oh my Goodness!" screamed the Queen. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?" The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture." "Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the Queen. As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, she screamed, "Goodness Gracious! How can THAT be justified?" Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same condition, better health plan."
It’s fully groan.
"Gladiator?" "No, I really miss her"
They turnip the beets
I called my wife and told her that I’ll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the kids.
… on the other hand, I'm okay.
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
She knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker just ignores her, the light changes, and he proceeds down the street. At the next light, the blonde again catches up and says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load." He ignores her again and continues down the street. At the next red light the blonde catches up, all out of breath, knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker looks at her and finally, he says, "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's snowing, and I'm driving a salt truck."
Step 1 Step 2 Step 3 Step 6 Step 12 Step 24
"Where?" "No. Just the regular kind."
don't be elfish!
His funeral was very low key
They keep telling me I have an outstanding balance
It got stuck in the cracks. (Made up by my 10 year old.)