DAM POTATOES!!!
What did Adam say to Eve the night before Christmas?
It’s Christmas Eve. (I’ll let myself out…)
I’m hosting a charity event for people who can’t orgasm.
Let me know if you can't come
My order of a dozen bees came with 13 bees
When I called customer service about it they said, “ oh that’s just a freebie.”
You’re a Wizard, dad!
Emma Watson?
Why shouldn’t you ever iron a four leaf clover?
You don’t want to press your luck.
“My wife looked at me and said, “you weren’t even listening were you?”
I thought to myself, "What a weird way to start a conversation."
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
So, A Pirate goes to the bar and he has a Steering Wheel sticking out of his Crotch
So the Bar tender says “Hey man, whats with the wheel?” so the Pirate tells him “Arrrr, its Drivin’ me nuts!”
I dated an African girl….
we just clicked
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for fresh prints.
How would life be without women?
A pain in the ass…
Why doesn’t it hurt to get hit with a soda?
They’re soft drinks.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center……
You’ve seen the mall.
I got tired of flipping the little switch on my rear view mirror to dim the headlights.
So I removed the whole mirror. I haven’t looked back since.
I don’t have a “dad bod”…
I have a father figure.
How do cells multiply?
By dividing.
After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.
So I turned on the air conditioning.
I invented a new type of car…
Me: "I invented a new car. It's powered by silence!" My friend: "Wow, this is going to revolutionize the industry!" Me: "Yeah, it goes without saying."
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
I HAD A DREAM LAST NIGHT THAT I KNIGHTED AN ELECTRIC FISH…..
IT WAS SIR EEL
During her time in the US, the Queen of England was given a tour of a hospital
During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously. "Oh my Goodness!" screamed the Queen. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?" The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture." "Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the Queen. As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, she screamed, "Goodness Gracious! How can THAT be justified?" Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same condition, better health plan."
How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke?
It’s fully groan.
“A cannibal once took my sister to see a Russell Crowe film”
"Gladiator?" "No, I really miss her"
How do farmers party?
They turnip the beets
I called my wife and told her that I’ll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the kids.
I broke my finger yesterday…
… on the other hand, I'm okay.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
What’s the difference between Wuhan and Las Vegas?
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
A trucker stops at a red light and a blonde catches up to him.
She knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker just ignores her, the light changes, and he proceeds down the street. At the next light, the blonde again catches up and says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load." He ignores her again and continues down the street. At the next red light the blonde catches up, all out of breath, knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker looks at her and finally, he says, "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's snowing, and I'm driving a salt truck."
How to fall down the stairs
Step 1 Step 2 Step 3 Step 6 Step 12 Step 24
“OMG! There’s a wolf!”
"Where?" "No. Just the regular kind."
What is Greta Thunbergs favourite country?
MadAtGasCar
What did Santa say when he caught an elf stealing toys?
don't be elfish!
My uncle was crushed by a piano….
His funeral was very low key
My credit card company must be really proud of me
They keep telling me I have an outstanding balance
Why couldn’t the toilet paper walk down the sidewalk?
It got stuck in the cracks. (Made up by my 10 year old.)
