dam
What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Peach gobbler.
We’re about to have a bad spell…
…of wether.
Last year i was depressed and miserable,
But this year I've turned it around, I'm miserable and depressed
Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?
Because they'd be called bagels if they flew over the bay…
What do you call a kid who is born in a whorehouse?
A brothel sprout (I’ll let myself out)
There was a woman who had 100 kids..
She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed. Only Ninety's kids will remember This.
Veganism is like Communism..
They are both fine, unless you like food.
Son: “Dad, did you know that in some cultures, you don’t get to know your wife until after your married?”
Dad: “Son, it’s that way in every culture.”
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 is a registered 6 offender
Boobs are like the sun
You can only stare at them for a few seconds . But if you put sunglasses on, you can stare at them all you want.
After you die, what part of your body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils. They dilate.
I was at the library today when a black guy came up to me and asked me where the colored printers were.
I replied, "Dude, it's 2019, you can use whatever printer you want."
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?
Plastic explosives.
Why do pornos always end with the guy coming?
Because it sure as hell can't start with the guy leaving.
Went to a stables looking for work and the stable master asked “Have you ever shoed a horse?”
"No, but I told a donkey to fuck off once."
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
The seminar “How To Avoid Frauds” is cancelled…
Tickets are non-refundable…
A man sees a lady in a bar with a large bosom…
He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your tits for a thousand dollars?" She says, "Hell yea!" So they go to a secluded corner, and she opens her blouse. The man puts his face in her tits for nearly five minutes. Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He says, "Nah, it's too expensive."
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
If you die from inhaling muffler fumes…
Do you die from exhaustion?
I don’t like to brag, but I have a huge sex drive.
It's almost up to 5 TB.
I don’t trust stairs.
They're always up to something.
What did Tennessee?
The same thing Arkansas.
I never forget my sons first words…
"Where the fuck have you been for 16 years"
Spoiler alert:
It makes the trunk of the car look better
It’s absurd to compare Donald Trump to Adolf Hitler
Hitler volunteered for the army.
Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing!
Why is every gender equality officer in a company female?
Because it is cheaper
Losing weight is a piece of cake.
Just don’t pick it up.
Hey bro, can you hand me that pamphlet?
Brochure.
A cat died and went to Heaven
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.” The cat thought for a moment and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors… I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.” God said, “Say no more.” Instantly, the cat had a HUGE fluffy pillow. A few days later, 12 mice were simultaneously killed in an accident and they all went up to Heaven together. God met the mice at the Gates of Heaven, with the exact same offer that He made to the cat. The mice said, “Well, we have had to run all of our lives… from cats, dogs, and even from people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller-skates, we would never have to run again.” God answered, “It is done.” All the mice had beautiful little roller-skates. About a week later, God decided to check on the cat… He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, “Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?” The cat replied, “Oh, everything is just WONDERFUL… I’ve never been so happy in my life! My pillow is always fluffy and those little “Meals-on-Wheels” that You have been sending over are delicious.”
What did the one eye say to the other eye?
Hey Between you and me… something smells!
I can’t believe how many people don’t understand erectile dysfunction.
I mean, it's not hard.
