Damn girl are you a reddit user?
Because you give me the same fucking shit, day after day!
Why did Adolf Hitler yell at the waiter ?
He hated the juice.
I once fell in love with a girl that only knew 4 vowels
Unfortunately she didn't know I existed.
Why are the stakes so high?
Because the cows ate a lot of grass.
I’m not super experienced with wood carving.
I only know a whittle.
Mountains aren’t just funny…
They're… hill areas.
I was at the zoo, and saw a baguette in a cage.
The Zookeeper said he was bread in captivity.
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…
I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me. I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."
My son said he wanted a DVD on Religion, so I got him one.
Then he said he wanted a tricycle, so I got him one. Then, a few weeks later, he said he wanted a poster of Will Smith's face, so I got him one. The next day he said he wanted a coffee machine. I was getting irate now. But hey, I thought, if I get him this hopefully that will be the end. I was wrong. So very wrong. On the same day he said he wanted a caterpillar costume. Reluctantly, I got him one. Secondhand. Then he said he wanted something for a friend, a new pair of underwear. I had no idea why he would be giving his friend underwear, and I knew he only wanted them for himself. But hey, I thought, I don't want him to defecate on his clothes, so I got him some. After that, he approached me, and I was on the verge of an outburst. What do you want this time? I asked him. A sword? A sandwich? A three-headed dog? He said, no, he didn't want any of those things. Except the three-headed dog and the sword and the sandwich. Look, I said, get on with it. What are you after this time? He said he wanted a book on festival puns. I was sick out of it. Sick of his audacity and my empty wallet. I headed for the door to get away, but he grabbed my arm and asked me what was wrong. I said, Son, you carnival the things you want.
Anal sex is like getting your first crappy and old bike
You don’t want it but your dad is going to give it you anyway
Why did the pacifist refuse to eat in the Italian Parliament’s cafeteria?
The cooks a-salted everything
What did the llama say when he was getting evicted?
“I guess alpaca my bags.”
The Teacher Asked the Class to Name Something that Ends in -Tor and Eats Things.
Gabe raised his hand first. He said, "Predator." "Clever answer! They sure eat things!" The teacher told him. Next, Dylan raised his hand. "Oh! I know! Raptor!" "You are very smart! Raptors eat many different things," the teacher said. Then, little Timmy answered. "Vibrator!" The class went dead silent. The teacher told Timmy, "Um Timmy, I don't think vibrators eat things…" Timmy was confused. "Really? My sister told me it ate through batteries like crazy!"
The government denied tax exemption for my church that believes Jesus spoke with a lisp
It was a real slap in the faith
My local church recently held a masquerade themed dinner and whilst the priest was saying grace I suddenly realised…
It was a blessing in disguise.
Girls call me ugly till they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Why did the melon have a traditional wedding?
Because it cantaloupe.
What’s a decent Asian stereo type?
Sony and Yamaha are my favorite.
Why isn’t Dark spelled “Darc”
Because you can’t C in the dark
I’ll let you have this roof for free
It's on the house
I have a lot of unemployment jokes
But none of them work
I was gonna try out archery
But theres too many drawbacks
A lot of things are going to change since I got my girlfriend pregnant.
Including my name, address and phone number.
Before criticizing someone, walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away and have their shoes.
Did you hear William Shatner was starting his own underwear line?
But “Shatner Panties” was not a good business.
Up next: How to sound good in a band…
Stay tuned!!
My doctor said that I might die because I accidentally consumed clay.
I'm shitting bricks to be honest.
And the award for best neckwear goes to…
…well would you look at that, it's a tie.
I work for the NHS dealing with moving patients between different areas of the hospital.
It's a re-warding job.
What happens in Vegas
A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, 'How much do you charge?' Hooker replies, 'It starts at $500 for a hand-job.' Guy says, '$500 dollars?! For a hand-job? No hand-job is worth that kind of money!' The hooker says, 'Do you see that Denny's on the corner?' 'Yes.' 'Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?' 'Yes.' 'And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?' 'Yes.' 'Well,' says the hooker, smiling invitingly, 'I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500.' Guy says, 'What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try.' They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is amazed, and he says, 'I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?' The hooker replies, '$1,500.' 'I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!' The hooker replies, 'Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500.' The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car and says, 'Sign me up.' Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker,' How much for some pussy?' The hooker says, 'Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?' 'Damn!' the guy says, in awe, 'You own the whole city?' 'No,' the hooker replies, 'but I would if I had a pussy.'
I loaned $200 to my girlfriend 5 years ago. She returned exactly $200 after we separated.
I lost interest in that relationship
It’s surprising flat earthers are still using money.
You’d think they’d have concern over it making the world go round. EDIT: Thanks for the silver kind stranger! It’s made my world go round.