Damn it r/funny.
whatโs hilarious is that most people think we dont need to bring back the guillotine. ha.
https://ift.tt/2DqU4KM
The creator of the USB drive died yesterday.
He was lowered into the coffin, flipped over, and then lowered again.
Alabama currently has the highest rate of adultery.
It's the state of affairs.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I said, I don't hate your relatives, in fact, I like your mother in law a lot more than I like mine
Strap in for a long one…
So there's this boy, he's 7 years old, and he has a real passion for tractors. He tells everyone when he grows up, he wants to work at JCB building tractors. His bedroom walls are covered in John Deere posters. He spends hours and hours watching farmers tend to their fields with he equipment he holds in such high regard. When he watches TV it's about tractors. It's all he thinks about, all he talks about and all he's ever dreamed of. His 8th birthday is coming up and his Dad asks him. "Son, what would you like for your birthday?" The boy doesn't hesitate. "All I want for my birthday is a tractor ride." Dad ruffles his hair and says "Son. I'll see what I can do" Sure enough, the boy's 8th birthday rolls around. Dad straps him into the car and tells the boy he's a surprise for him. They arrive some minutes later at a farm. This is when the boy twigs. As the boy had expected, the farmer comes out and exclaims "Boy, do I have a surprise for you!". He leads him to the tractor, jumps in and sits the boy on his lap. He sets off on the journey the little man had always dreamed of. After some time, the Farmer asks "Hey birthday boy, wanna drive?". The boy is stunned, he has reached the pinnacle, life cannot possibly get better. So he's driving along, living the dream. Out of nowhere a little girl runs out in front of the tractor. Disaster. He strikes the girl with a sickening crack. The scene is devastating. The boy is stunned. When he gets home, he tears all his posters off the wall. Disavows tractors, farmers, farms, the lot. He spends whole days crying. He swears never to think about tractors again. Fast forward some years and he's a young man, on his way home from work when he comes across a burning building. He sees the firefighters struggling. He breaths out deeply and inhales so vigorously that he sucks all the oxygen away, starving the flame, saving the day. The firefighters ask "hey, how did you do that" He turns to them and replies. "I'm an Extractor Fan."
I once walked in on my teachers having sex
Being homeschooled was never easy for me
My dad’s favourite joke. Mine too.
There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years with peculiar experiments on spiders. After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let the community know he and was to host a live show to demonstrate his findings. At the event hundreds were there more out of curiosity than anything as the details of the findings were kept secret. The man himself wandered on stage and silenced the murmurs. 'Today I will demonstrate two things. The first being that spiders can understand and respond to basic commands.' The crowd laughed and jeered but undeterred he opened a box on his desk and a spider crawled out. 'Spider, walk left' The spider moved to its left. The crowd was silenced. 'Spider, move right.' The spider moved right. The crowd gasped. Forward, backward, the spider responded again and again. The crowd applauded in awe. The scientist then removed all of the spider's legs. The crowd, confused by this, watched in silence. 'Move left' The spider didn't move. 'Move right' Nothing. Forward, backward, no response. 'This is to demonstrate my second finding. Once you remove a spider's legs, it goes deaf.'
My local supermarket stocks the Raspberry Pi magazines in the cooking section
https://ift.tt/2Od2utX
Where do you keep Arnold Schwarzenegger dolls in a store?
Aisle B, back.
How fast was Thorโs hammer destroyed?
Hela Fast.
How are dad jokes and anti-vaccine kids similar?
They both never get old.
Dude 1: โBro can you pass me that pamphlet?โ
Dude 2: โBrochure.โ
Recruiter: ,,Can you explain the gap in your resume?” ๐ฌ
Recruiter: ,,Can you explain the gap in your resume?” ๐ฌ
Why did Jeffrey Epstein’s English teacher fail him?
Because he never finished his sentences…
A man has been stealing wheels of police cars
The police have been working tirelessly to catch him
Today we are learning about mitosis!
Now, Iโm gonna need your undivided attention.
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
After watching Star Wars with my son for the first time today, he looked up at me and asked, “Daddy, why was R2D2 so dirty?” Puzzled, I asked him what he meant.
He replied, "Well, they had to bleep out every word he said!"
A bad workman blames his fools…
EDIT: tools …stupid keyboard…
Do you know 1 Comment 1 Upvote will empower your body and you will able to fly in the future
Do you know 1 Comment 1 Upvote will empower your body and you will able to fly in the future
Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she wonโt notice.
Call her fat once and she will never forget. Thatโs because elephants never forget.
Fun(ny way put) Facts About DNA | Science Is Fun
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ozq9418Cs0o&feature=youtu.be
I had my picture taken with the band R.E.M. once…
That's me in the corner.
Pro tip for the kitchen. If you’re out of onions and you really need one…
Just take your opinion and subtract 3.14.
Husband and Wife
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues…"Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years". "I remember that too", she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says… "I would have gotten out today!"
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
Iโll tell ya later
Golf Joke…What do you call the part of the body in between the vagina and rectum?
The driving range, because thatโs where you hit your balls