Damn liberals
I couldn’t join the KKK, apparently my bloodline isn’t pure enough
Turns out, my parents weren't even related.
One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp.
He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp. Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However, because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss." So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appeared in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account. For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lambergini, Ferrari and Porsche appeared. At the same time two of each car appeared outside of his boss' house. Finally the genie said, "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully," and to this the man replied, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney…"
Why couldn’t the computer take its Hat off?
Because it had its CAPS LOCK on.
Finally finished my huge book on the history of clocks.
It's about time.
Where do you find a no-legged dog?
Right where you left him.
I left my wife because she was so obsessed with counting..
I wonder what she's up to now 🤔
Someone keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off
I think I’m being stalked
Give a man porn flick and he’ll masturbate for a day…
… Give a man a wife and he'll masturbate for a lifetime.
Putin visits Estonia
Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin". "Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia". "Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".
What do you call a one-armed karate man?
A partial artist!
What happened when two silkworms challenged each other to a race?
It ended in a tie! 👔
A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word “definitely” to them.
To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isnt entirely correct, because sometimes its gray and cloudy". Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either." Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No…But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
Most slutty costume for Halloween goes to?
That girl dressed up as my professor, she barely covered anything important.
Caught my wife going through the neighbours bins…
She's not nosey, just terrible at parking!
Why does a duck have tail feathers?
To cover its butt-quack.
How does a Jewish person make tea?
Hebrews it
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sx, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kll us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident…
In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer? Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the…" "I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road." The lawyer interrupted again and said "Judge, I'm trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie." Clyde thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'how are you feeling?' Now what the fuck would you say?"
-Doc, I have hearing problems
-Could you describe the symptons? -Marge has blue hair and Homer is a fat guy
What did one French man say to the other French guy.
I don’t know. I don’t speak French.
I never thought my baby daughter would go this far
Well, the catapult's fantastic!
Knock knock / Who’s there? / Broken pencil / Broken pencil who?
Nevermind it’s pointless.
Where do dogs keep their cold summertime treats?
In the pant-ry
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He neverlands.
Ultrasonic mist maker cured my asthma too. Rife, Lakhovsky
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S3h9SE8KeYo&t=727s
Did you hear about the guy who killed a man with a book?
He was sentenced to death
The first time I had sex with my girlfriend, all I could think of was my late wife.
I thought, “This’ll teach her for being late.”
I had a car crash the other day.
I had a car crash the other day. A dwarf got out of the other car and said, “I'm not happy”. To which I replied, “Which one are you then?”
I pinned a Rolex to the post just outside my house
It's the neighborhood watch.