Damn particle
I wrote yea on one hand and nay on the other.
When I agree, I hold up the yea. I use the nay palm when I want to set things on fire.
I’m a 40-year old with the body of a 20-year old.
Just need to find a place to bury her.
For a while Harry Houdini used trap doors in every act.
It was a stage he was going through.
Why don’t some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't workout.
A Roman walks in a bar, holds up 2 fingers and says:
"I'll have 5 beer please."
What do you call a Mexican midget?
A paragraph, because hes too short to be an essay
Why did the wine maker have a nervous breakdown?
He just couldn't bottle it up any longer.
Smaller babies are always delivered by storkβ¦
…but the heavier ones need to be delivered by crane…
Why are so many people tired on April 1st?
they just finished a 31 day March.
What did Obi-Wan say to Luke at the dinner table?
"Use the fork Luke"
Thatβs why she is so good at video games…
https://ift.tt/2TKU5D7
What kind of tree does a chicken grow on?
A poultry. (came up with that in the shower)
It wasnβt fun when I broke my neck in an accident a few years ago.
Now I can look back and laugh.
Distinctly possible it is
You ever wonder if the reason Star Wars movies came out the order they came out was because Yoda was in charge of the release dates?
My wife and I decided not to have kids
The kids are taking it pretty badly
Why are so many plants transgendered?
Because plants have less stygma to stamen.
I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday
I know its not the greatest gift, but you should've seen her face light up when she opened it.
My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days. He says it could be a lot worse
I could be trapped inside an underground hole filled with water. I know he means well.
Heartbreaking
Dallas Morning News – A 15 year old boy was at the center of a Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Dallas Cowboys, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
What happins if you can’t pee?
Urine trouble
I finally cut ties with someone who was dragging me down.
Mountain climbing with a friend is hard.
“Hey officer, how did the hackers escape?”
"No idea, they just ransomware."
My Wife wore a “Vaccines cause autism” shirt
She was insulted, punched and spit on Not to imagine what would have happened if she left the house!
I went to the doctor and he said i was going deaf.
It's been 3 weeks and I have not heard from him since.
My favourite sex position is called “WOW” …
It's where I flip your MOM over
An old Jew on his deathbed
A 90 year-old Jew is on his deathbed. Summoning his last bit of strength, he lifts his head and whispers: "Is my beloved wife Sarah here with me?" And Sarah says, "Yes, I am here." He then says: "Are my children — my wonderful children — are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes father, we are here with you to see you breathe your last." And he says: "Are my brothers and sisters here with me as well?" And they too tell him that they are here. So the old man lays back quietly, closes his eyes, and says, "If everybody is here … why is the light on in the kitchen?"
I would hate to have a gay dad
I would rather have two
Why are you still guarding it?
A new camp commander was appointed and while inspecting the place, he saw 2 privates guarding a bench. He went over there and asked them why do they guard it. "We don't know. The last commander told us to do so, and so we did!" He searched for last commander's phone number, and called him to ask him why did he want guards in this particular bench. "I don't know. The previous commander had guards, and I kept the tradition". Going back another 3 commanders, he found a now 100 year old retired General. "- Excuse me sir. I'm now the CO of your camp. I've found 2 guards assigned on a bench. Why did you put them there?" "- What? The paint is still wet?!?"
psychologist girl and law boy
> A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?β > The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" > All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed. > After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?β > The guy then responded with a loud voice: β$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!β > All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.The guy whispered in her ear: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
βYou know, one would have been enough.β
What is it called when your parachute doesnβt open?
Jumping to a conclusion.