Damn! Quora it hurts
… the woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?" and the man is stunned. He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him so he agrees. They both get into his car and drive really far. He stops at a cliff with the view of the whole city. Within seconds they start taking off their clothes. After 15 minutes of vigorous sex they finally finish. They both put their clothes on and they both just sit there awkwardly. The woman speaks up and says "I'm a prostitute and its going to be 100 dollars for my service." The man is stunned and saddened that she didn't really like him. He gives her the money and they both sit there awkwardly. The woman tells him that she is ready to leave and the man replies "I'm a taxi driver and its going to be 150 dollars for the ride here and back."
They fit like a glove
An American and a Russian died and went to the gates of heaven and hell. They were greeted by an Angel.
The Angel said to them, “Because both of you are sinners, you’re are going to hell. However, you can choose between American hell and Russian hell. In American hell, most people are American and they have to eat a bucket of shit every day. In Russian hell, most people are Russian and they have to eat two buckets of shit every day.” The American responded, “Well, I would rather be encompassed by Americans and just eat one bucket of shit daily.” And he was sent to American hell. The Russian thought for a while before replying, “Well, it sort of sucks that we need to eat two buckets of shit, but I rather surround myself with Russians. I choose Russian hell.” And he was sent to Russian hell. A few years later, they met again. The Russian asked the American how his time in hell was. The American replied, ” It’s not too bad actually. It’s comforting that most people are American there and it feels like home. The only sore spot is that I have to eat a bucket of shit daily. What about you?” The Russian replied, “I feel you. It really feels like right at home, either they forget to deliver the shit or there are not enough buckets for everyone.”
Nah on second thoughts you won't get it. It's an inside joke.
Looks like I finally did something right.
Can someone explain to me why tf there’s a patent for the coronavirus?
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.
“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.” God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?” “Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time.” “Exactly,” said God, “and when people rode in this man’s taxi, they not only stayed awake, they even prayed.”
He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car. Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend." He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's a fucking optician.”
They never seem to leave
Those that understand binary and those who dont.
The shitty golfer goes, -WHAM!- "FUCK!" The shitty skydiver goes, "FUCK!" -WHAM!-
None, he “fell”
It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
All that work and nothing to chauffeur it
After several dates, my girlfriend wanted me to meet her parents, so they invited me over for dinner. It did not go well…
During the meal, somebody started playing footsies with me under the table, then gradually moved up and kept rubbing until I came. Later, I told my girlfriend how much I had enjoyed the sexy play during dinner. She got so mad and said that it wasn't her. I guess I got off on the wrong foot.
My Anesthesiologist said that if I didn’t want knockout gas he could hit me in the head with a paddle.
He wouldn't do both. It was ether/oar.
Its fucking FROZEN!
Because it was a pane to replace.
EDIT: *tools stupid keyboard
But go slow; I'm listening.
To go with the traffic jam.
One is a superhero, the other is a command.
I never strike in the same place twice.
After graduating from high school, my daughter moved away from home to study at university. She sent this letter home to me…
Dear dad, University i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ¢an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, your $usie. I immediately replied back… Dear Susie, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, dad
Because Batman has sworn to protect goth ham.
So they can Scandinavian
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
I replied, "Yes just once." The doctor asked, "What was it like?" I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."
He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I'm off to New York City. I read that prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free." Later, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. "Where are you going?" she asks "I'm coming with you. I want to see how you live on $800 a year"