Damn, roasted
I never know what to do during long flights…
… they're just so Boeing
I wasn’t going to get a brain transplant….
But then I changed my mind!
r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
So you died from eating too much gravy?
You went from the ladle to the grave.
Why isn’t your nose 12 inches?
Because then it would be a foot
Browsing reddit on mobile? Place your device on your body.
r/dadjokes on you!
I wanted to be an anti-vaxxer for halloween
but I just couldn’t fit my head that far up my ass
I don’t hate bread
I loaf it 🍞
BK’s new commercial is questionable at best (I am never eating there again)
BK’s new commercial is questionable at best (I am never eating there again)
Why don’t Jews eat pussy?
It's too close to the gas chamber. Edit: Jesus Christ, look at that, I got silver! Not 30 pieces, but anyway.
You should invest in these stocks:
Chicken, vegetable, and beef. You’ll be a bouillonaire in no time.
Does February march?
No, but April may!
You don’t need a parachute to skydive.
You need a parachute to skydive twice.
If Wonder Woman walks around aimlessly, she is
Wander Woman.
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come into port, they can scan-da-navy-in
Why does Santa fear getting stuck in a chimney?
Because he’s Claustrophobic.
Today I was at the bank when two man came in with masks…
Such a relief when they said it was just a bank robbery.
When my wife and I got married, I was completely broke. But she stood by me.
She had to. We only had one chair.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
BREAKING NEWS!! .. Man hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his ass
Doctors describe his condition as stable
A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.
“Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?” The rabbi strokes his beard and says, “Funny you should come to me. I too, brought up my son as a boy of faith, sent him to university and it cost me a fortune and then one day he comes to me and tells me he wants to be a Christian.” “What did you do?” asked the man of the rabbi. “I turned to God for the answer,” replied the rabbi. “What did he say?” asked the man. He said, “Funny you should come to me…”
Was asked in an interview if I could perform under pressure.
I said I'm not sure but I can definitely perform "another one bites the dust"
I just learned that a friend of mine who had a stutter died in jail
He didn't even complete his sentence
What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
A literalist takes things literally. A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
I’m worried I’ve become very obsessed with Wonder Woman, Black Widow and Captain Marvel lately.
I think I might be a heroine addict.
What are bald sailors most worried about?
Cap sizes!
Why was Santa’s sack so big?
He only comes once a year.
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
My teachers said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia..
But so far I’ve made two bowls and a vase.
I wanted to tell a yoga joke.
But it was a bit of a stretch.
I donated 1 kidney and they called me a lifesaver
I donate two kidneys, they called me a hero. But for some strange reason, when I donated three kidneys, they called the police.
What does a robot do after sex?
Nuts and bolts
To the person who stole my glasses
I can still drink from the bottle.
How many introverts does it take to change a light bulb?
Why must it be a group activity?
My wife came back from the store today wearing a shirt with stalks of corn on it.
I asked her if she got a good deal on her new crop top, and she heard me from across the street. Her ears are brand new!