Damn that saxks
I had a joke about time travel but you guys didn’t like it.
So I choose not to post it this time around
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She’s chatting it up with St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that.
A man died and was waiting in line to get into Heaven.
He was third in line, and overheard St. Peter talking to the other souls. "What were you in life?" St. Peter asked of one man. "I was a personal injury lawyer," came the reply. "Well, come with me," said St. Peter. "I will show you to your quarters." And St. Peter led the man to a sumptuous palace, more glorious than anything on earth. St. Peter returned to the line, and asked the next man what he did in life. The man replied, "In life, I was Pope John Paul II." St. Peter said, "Let me show you to your quarters," and led the Pontiff to a tiny shack made of the crudest materials imaginable. When St. Peter returned to the line, the man started shouting. "That isn't fair! That was the Pope, and you put him in a terrible house, while some nobody of a lawyer gets the finest palace imaginable! This just doesn't seem right." St. Peter shrugged his shoulders. "What can I say? We've got hundreds of popes up here. It's the first lawyer we've ever had."
I told a girl she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised.
I met my girlfriend at an African language class…
We just clicked!
Diarrhea Awareness starts tomorrow.
Runs for 2 days.
Did you hear about the professor afraid of negative numbers?
He stops at nothing to avoid them
First time
Wife : Be gentle, it is my first time in bed. Husband : What? You had three divorces before. Wife : My first husband was a philosopher. He only talked about it. Second was a gynaecologist. He just kept looking at it. And the third was an engineer. He wanted to re-design it. You are from HR, so this time I know, I am going to be fucked.
I gave marijuana to a cow
The steaks were high, but it was worth it
When I first saw an universal remote control…
I thought to myself: "Well… This changes everything"
If you masturbate after smoking marijuana…
Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?
My girlfriend is mad because I could only last 2 minutes in bed
In my defense it was doggy style so it's more like 14 minutes.
My wife’s mother is a lawyer.
I have a mother-in-law.
What’s the difference between an old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
I saw 2 guys wearing matching outfits,
and I asked if they were gay. They arrested me.
Saving a Christian
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!” He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?” He said, “Yes.” I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?” He said, “A Christian.” I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?” He said, “Protestant.” I said, “Me, too! What franchise?” He said, “Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?” He said, “Northern Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.” I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.
If a bisexual isn’t dating anyone…
…does that mean they're on standbi?
Why do French tanks have rearview mirrors?
So they can see the battlefield.
What has two butts and kills people?
an assassin
Well, on the one hand your right,
and on the other, your left.
What are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday and Sunday…the rest are weekdays.
The word “diputseromneve” may look ridiculous,
but backwards it’s even more stupid
Why did the blind man fall into the well?
Because he could not see that well.
When I was a child, I wanted to be a brain surgeon…
But apparently, I was too young…
Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmation.
It was the least I could have done for him.
I like dating unfit people
But they just never work out
I refused to believe I was gay and dyslexic…..
I was in Daniel…
My face! When he says “The Coronavirus is very much under control in the USA.”!
https://ift.tt/3eOSfbR
A photon checks into a hotel.
A photon checks into a hotel. – Do you need help with your luggage, sir? – No, i'm travelling light.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar
One came, one saw, and one conquered.
Daughter: “Dad, I’m cold.”
Dad: “Go stand in a corner. It’s 90 degrees.”
Juuls aren’t that bad
They are just USB sticks And when you exhale, you get cloud storage.
Why does killing people in GTA make me happy?
It’s the only time I’m ever wanted
What did the green grape say to the purple grape
Breathe idiot, breathe!
I lost my voice today.
I can't tell you how annoying it is.