Damn thats hot
My wife was mad at me because she said I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right
They’re finally making a movie about clocks…
…it's about time.
Why do riot police get to work early?
To beat the crowd.
What’s a snail on a boat?
A snailor
The boss caught an employee drinking at work.
He said: -"You can't drink while you're working!". The employee replied: -"But I'm not working". They both laughed a lot, and he got fired.
I’ve got a hen who can count her own eggs…
She’s a mathamachicken…
Every 52 seconds a man in London is stabbed.
Poor bastard.
Why did the train go to the sauna?
To blow off some steam 🙅♂️🚂
Asked my bud what he’d do if the 1st Amendment was abolished.
He couldn't say
What’s on the inside of a fire hydrant?
H2O. What's on the outside of the hydrant? K9P
Husband and wife are sunbathing at a nudist beach… NSFW
When suddenly a wasp flies into the wife's vagina. She screams in terror, and frantically tells her husband what happened. He scoops her into his arms, throws her into the car and speeds to the hospital. At the hospital the doctor tries a few different ways to remove the wasp with each one failing. The doctor has an idea, turns to the husband and says, "We will coat your penis with honey, you insert it into your wife. When you feel the wasp on your head, slowly remove it." The husband gives it a try but with all the yelling, hectic drive and stress of the situation, he cannot get an erection. The doctor says, "With both your permissions, I can perform the procedure." Fearing that the wasp can do damage in there, they both readily agree. The doctor pulls down his scrubs, smears himself with honey and gets instantly hard. He slowly inserts his honey covered penis a few inches into the wife's vagina. Withdraws an inch, slides back in a couple inches, withdraws a few inches. "There he is… no, lost him… I think I got him. No, no. Lost him again…" Over the next 20 minutes, the doctor's comments has turned into grunts and pants. He now has sweat dripping from his face, while pumping the wife viorously. The wife is moaning wildly, and has locked her legs around the doctors hips. The husband is on the edge of his seat and screams, "Doctor, tell me what's happening!? What's going on in there!" Doctor replies, "Change of plans. I'm going to drown that little fucker."
Funny because it’s ironic and Sad because corona time will never be the same again. 😭
https://ift.tt/3bhTAoM
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
I just found a dead body in the street
So I took it home and put it on the cat's pillow See how she fucking likes it !
Grand Opening of a Vietnamese/Italian Restaurant
Pho Getaboutit
Why did the “A” run away
There was a B
What do you call a fish looking for cancer treatment.
Finding chemo.
A married Irishman went into the confessional…
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, “I almost had an affair with another woman.” The priest said, “What do you mean, almost?” The Irishman said, “Well, we got undressed, naked and rubbed together, but then I stopped.” The priest said, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.” The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, “I saw that, You didn’t put any money in the poor box!” The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!” My mother told this joke… I dont know if its original
What is the difference between a Joe Biden speech and a Donald Trump speech?
When Biden is speaking you wonder if he's had a stroke. When Trump is speaking you wonder if you've had a stroke.
My friend told me to stop acting like a flamingo
So I put my foot down
Why do keyboard never sleep?
It's because they have two Shifts.
How do we know that atoms are Catholic?
Because they have mass
How do you communicate with a fish?
You drop him a line.
How would you spot a blind man at a nude beach?
It's not hard
There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.
As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''. So John and Mike went to the Mosque ahead and were greeted by an Arab Muslim, who asked what their names were. John thought of a Muslim name and said, 'My name is Muhammad'. And Mike said 'My name is Mike'. The Arab man said 'Hello Mike.' And told these other men to take Mike and give him food and drink. Then he turned to John and said, 'Salaam Muhammad. Ramadan Mubarak!
[NSFW] Wonder Woman is laying naked, face down, on a rooftop…
…when Superman flies by and sees her. Her naked body has him feeling all types of ways, so he starts to think, "You know, I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I could be in and out of there before she even realizes what happened." So, Superman flies in, does his business and takes off. Wonder Woman says, "What was that?" The Invisible Man responds, "I don't know, but my fucking ass is killing me."
If my name was Travis, I would get a tee shirt and put my name across the chest.
It would be a travesty.
How much does it cost to park Santa’s sleigh?
Nothing. It’s on the house.
Why are dad jokes like sex?
Because hearing someone else groan means you are doing a good job.
What do Mike and Sulley fill their pens with?
Monsters Ink
There was a 6 fingered man that everyone kept calling Tommy. Why?
Because that's his name.
nothing tops a plain hotdog
No text found
Why is it good to wash your eyes with ketchup?
Because Heinzsight is 20/20
I got fired today because my manager caught me masturbating with a vegetable during my break
Apparently nursing homes have “strict rules” about what you can do with the patients.
How do you make a pheromone?
Tell him to let your people go.
My wife asked me if I wanted kids…
I told her, no, but I wouldn't mind playing with the box they came in.
*slaps knee*
https://ift.tt/2OxfOLC
Why is masturbation just like procrastination?
It’s all good until you realize you’re only screwing yourself.
My son and I were going through the alphabet together.
I said “son, what is A for?” “Apple!” “That’s right! What is B for?” “Banana!” That’s right! What is C for?” “Explosive!”
For Christmas morning, I’m going to make Eggs Benedict, and I’m going to serve them on hubcaps from a 1962 Ford…
…because there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise.
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it is cheaper.
Given the Cheeto Bandito’s track record with dictators, this should be a no brainer
https://ift.tt/2Xcz6dp
A priest, a rapist and a paedophile walk into a bar.
He orders a beer.
