After the Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent. When does the punchline become apparent? After the delivery.
Hey, are you a generic FIFO collection?
Because you look like a Queue
When you remove that line of code
My statistics professor told us that the larger the sample size, the more reliable are your averages.
The N’s justify the means.
Donald Trump just turned 73
which makes him the first President whose age surpassed his IQ.
When process is more important than the result
If you have some handy…
An Age Old Argument
I don’t think 11.5” GI Joe even exists anymore.
I alone can fix it
Never happened, always scared
Toilet roll bad
My gay lover asked me if date night was optional.
I said no, it's a mandate
I found our perfect shirt
What could be worse than my wife?
How do you spot a blind man at a nudist beach?
It's not hard
My turn to post as in promised
Stepfather put this in the family chat.
I’m currently getting into game development
When Jared Kushner says the National Stockpile is not for the States
When “Deplorables” is too subtle for your base:
Get that puny selection sort from my sight
Here’s a compilation of all the funniest clean jokes in existence
Also, I have an exam tomorrow and I’m doing this rather than studying
I named my overweight cat Kelvin
Because he is an absolute unit.
I live across the street from CERN
Warnings. Are. Useful.
I recreated a Discord bot that I saw here a few weeks ago
I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight…
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health care
I hear trees cause global warming
What’s the difference between an ass-kisser and a brown-noser?
All these shelter in place protests, the signs all say the same thing…oh Karen….
When 6ix9ine gets out of jail,
He'll be the first mumble rapper to finish his sentence
From the grave…
I got a grandmother in her 90’s and she still doesn’t need glasses
she just drinks straight out of the bottle.
I went to a general store.
They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.
How do you sneak up on celery?
You stalk it.
A true work question
I texted my boss, "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?" He answered, "I don't know." I replied, "I'm not coming in this morning."
First post in this sub am i doing it right?
They did it to poor Saddam, too
I’m just going to get some cigarettes
I’ll be right back
What happens when you give the sun a gun?
It becomes a shooting star.
Don’t forget to vote tomorrow in the New Hampshire primary
Relationships so far.
Omg!!!! SO TRUE
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.
The odds were against me
Brad Pitt just got Dr. Fauci fired.
Well, how’s everybody else doing?..
I make the spegat and eat the spegat
Because phones are baaaaaad, and kids don’t look up anymore!
What’s blue and not heavy?
My friend got mad at me for smelling his sisters underwear.
I don’t know if it was because she was still wearing them or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.
A whole mood
Ummm… welcome to Australia?
My teacher said I wouldn’t be good at poetry because of my dyslexia.
So far I have made three jugs and a vase so fuck you, Mr. Johnson!
Why don’t zombies eat ghost?
They taste like sheet.
Someone’s going to have to put an end to this Epstein meme craze.
Cause it’s not gonna kill itself.
Now available at Toys R Us stores near you!
he was sad though
How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together
A man had been drinking at a bar all night and pukes down the front of his shirt.
“Shit I can’t go home like this my wife will kill me” The bartender sees this and says “put a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning”. So the guy goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened, to which he replies “a drunk guy puked on me and he gave me $20 to pay for dry cleaning”. To which his wife says “Ok well then why do you have $40 in your hand?” “Because he also shit in my pants.”
let’s not start about JS
I’m sorry little one…