Damn Ticketmaster!
After the Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent. When does the punchline become apparent? After the delivery.
My statistics professor told us that the larger the sample size, the more reliable are your averages.
The N’s justify the means.
Donald Trump just turned 73
which makes him the first President whose age surpassed his IQ.
My gay lover asked me if date night was optional.
I said no, it's a mandate
How do you spot a blind man at a nudist beach?
It's not hard
Here’s a compilation of all the funniest clean jokes in existence
https://youtu.be/q6rn38t6y74kr
I named my overweight cat Kelvin
Because he is an absolute unit.
I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight…
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health care
What’s the difference between an ass-kisser and a brown-noser?
Depth perception
All these shelter in place protests, the signs all say the same thing…oh Karen….
https://ift.tt/2yrl65k
When 6ix9ine gets out of jail,
He'll be the first mumble rapper to finish his sentence
I got a grandmother in her 90’s and she still doesn’t need glasses
she just drinks straight out of the bottle.
I went to a general store.
They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.
How do you sneak up on celery?
You stalk it.
A true work question
I texted my boss, "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?" He answered, "I don't know." I replied, "I'm not coming in this morning."
I’m just going to get some cigarettes
I’ll be right back
What happens when you give the sun a gun?
It becomes a shooting star.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.
The odds were against me
What’s blue and not heavy?
Light blue
My friend got mad at me for smelling his sisters underwear.
I don’t know if it was because she was still wearing them or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.
My teacher said I wouldn’t be good at poetry because of my dyslexia.
So far I have made three jugs and a vase so fuck you, Mr. Johnson!
Why don’t zombies eat ghost?
They taste like sheet.
Someone’s going to have to put an end to this Epstein meme craze.
Cause it’s not gonna kill itself.
How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together
A man had been drinking at a bar all night and pukes down the front of his shirt.
“Shit I can’t go home like this my wife will kill me” The bartender sees this and says “put a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning”. So the guy goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened, to which he replies “a drunk guy puked on me and he gave me $20 to pay for dry cleaning”. To which his wife says “Ok well then why do you have $40 in your hand?” “Because he also shit in my pants.”
