Damn Ticketmaster!
What’s the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3 Me: There you go. So, what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Grandpa: What has 4 legs, but isn’t alive?
Boy: A chair, hahaha, nice try gran- Grandpa- It’s your dog, he’s dead jimmy.
I’m an unapologetic Canadian
I'm sorry, I just am
My uncle once had a 24-hour epileptic episode.
Now that's what I call seizing the day.
I rarely put orange slices in my beer.
Once in a Blue Moon.
What’s angry, calm and white?
My bi-polar bear.
I was going to post a time travel joke
But you didn't like it.
“Judge, I want to contest 60% of my parking tickets!”
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. I want to contest 3/5 of my parking tickets!
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
If I have twin daughters, I’ll name one Kate
And I'll name the other "DupliKate"
To the guy who invented zero
Thanks for nothing.
Why does keeping a fish aquarium calm the brain?
All the indoor fins.
I pour my root beer into a square cup.
Now it's just beer.
Three high ranking Axis soldiers are about to be interrogated
One is a member of the Gestapo. One is an Imperial Japanese officer. And one is a Fascist Italian Commander. They are all sitting in their holding cell discussing what they are going to do when they get interrogated. The German says, "My superior German spirit and intelligence will make it impossible for them to break me." The Japanese says, "It is only through my undying devotion to the Emperor that I will be able to withstand their torture." The Italian says, "I'm fucked." The German is the first to be interrogated, and as he leaves they wish him luck. Nearly a whole day passes before the German returns to the cell, covered in bruises and blood. The other two ask him what happened. "Even my perfect genes could not protect me from their methods. I have failed my country," Next, the Japanese is up to be interrogated. 3 days pass and he returns to the cell. His eyes are both black, fingers broken, and body bruised and bloodied. "I have dishonored myself and my Emperor. When they release me, I must commit honorable seppuku." Lastly, the Italian is up, and he leaves already begging for his life. A whole week passes before he returns. Beaten nearly to death, he is carried in by 2 soldiers. One of the soldiers jeers, "I can't believe you guys broke instead of this dago." The other 2 are shocked. Amazed that this Italian could take their punishments and not break. They ask him how he did it. "I wanted to give in immediately, but I couldn't speak." "What do you mean you couldn't speak?" The others ask. "They tied my hands behind my back."
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today and as we were walking around, he suddenly shouted, “look at the frickin’ elephant, dad!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us… “What did you just call it?” I asked. “It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the podium!” he said, and so it did, African Elephant.
When I left school, I passed every one of my exams with the exception of Greek Mythology.
It always was my achilles elbow.
My girlfriend got upset when I called her a plateau…
…but that’s the highest form of flattery.
My local church recently held a masquerade themed dinner and whilst the priest was saying grace I suddenly realised…
It was a blessing in disguise.
Why do we tell actors to break a leg?
Because every play has a cast.
Did you hear the one about the Jew?
Israeli funny
A man walks into a bar
As he sits down, he looks up and notices three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender “what’s with the meat?” The bartender says, “If you can jump up and slap all three pieces at once, you get free drinks for an hour. If you miss even one, you have to pay for everyone else’s drinks for the rest of the night. Wanna give it a go?” The man takes another look at the meat, then says, “I think I’ll pass. The steaks are too high.”
You shouldn’t watch any horror movies today
It May, Fri 10 you.
I have a pencil that was owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot.
I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.
You meet a man on the Oregon Trail.
He tells you his name is Terry. You laugh at him and say"That's a girl's name!" Terry shoots you. You have died of dissin' Terry.
If you are ever confronted by a group of clowns at night…
…always go for the juggler…
An American man, a French man, a Spanish man and a German man are standing on the sidewalk, trying to watch a street performer juggle bowling pins.
The juggler notices they're having a bit of trouble, so he stands on a large wooden box and says to them, "Can you see me now?" They answer one at a time: "Yes." "Oui." "Sí." "Ja."
When you say “poop” your mouth moves the same way your anus does when you poop.
The same is true for the phrase "explosive diarrhea."
Authorities have been trying to figure out how the Worcestershire sauce truck spilled…
But it's hard to say…
Why China is arresting people for spreading misinformation?
Because spreading misinformation is government's job.
