Damn welfare leeches
My son beat my neighbor in a marathon race.
He's now in custody for assault.
A drummer and her husband just had triplets. Their names?
Anna I. Anna II. Anna I, II, III.
My son is three years old and I took him shopping.
When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket. Now, I didn't buy it and he certainly didn't buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping centre and went to the jewellers.
Teaching my 3 month baby girl C++, wanna make sure she gets OOP by the time she talks.
https://ift.tt/32pWaG8
Why do people never eat clocks?
Because it’s really time consuming.
Why is North Korea worse than South Korea?
They have no Seoul .
A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian said:
Fuck off, you won't bring it back
Germans when it comes to driving
Germans when it comes to driving
What’s blue and not heavy?
Light blue
A cop pulled me over and told me “Papers”
So I said "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.
I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.
It was a risk I was willing to take.
In all my years working at the Land Rover factory…
I made several discoveries
Why do riot police like to go to work early?
To beat the crowd
A man with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach, thinking deeply about his life.
As he lays there, unable to move, he thinks about all the rejection he has faced. Countless women, scared off by his grotesque appearance, have avoided all contact with him. Never been kissed, never been loved. As he reflects on his sad, lonely existence, a beautiful, busty young lady, in a very skimpy bikini, is walking past. She sees him – a small, limbless blob – out the corner of her eye. He gives her a smile and she smiles back. And then, she starts walking over to him! As she approaches he thinks to himself – “maybe this is it!” She gets nearer and nearer, her smile growing with each step until she is right next to him. She leans down, gives him a big kiss on the cheek, and whispers in his ear: “Have you ever been fucked?” Excitedly, the man responds “no!” The woman replies “well you’re fucked now, mate. The tide’s coming in.”
Why isn’t Dark spelled “Darc”
Because you can’t C in the dark
What’s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW ?
The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
My wife said I should take out the spider instead of killing it.
I'm glad I did. We went out. Had a few drinks. Overall good guy. He's a web designer.
Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain. In other words…
…there is joint support for joint support for joint support…
I had a racing snail, I thought it would be faster if I removed it’s shell…
It only made it more sluggish.
My wife just told me she has the body of a teenager.
I guess she found out about me and the babysitter.
I tried to impress a bunch of people at a party by playing my guitar, but nobody took any notice.
They just frowned and moved to another part of the silent disco.
I told Mike Tyson about the hippo that’s trained to use a toilet, but he seemed skeptical.
Keeps calling it a hippo potty myth
Why did the can crusher quit his job ?
Because it was soda pressing
A young man gathers his courage and decides to come out as being gay to his mother and father
They're both reasonably shocked, but are very supportive. They assure him that they still love him, and wish he'd told them sooner. Everything seems to be going great, until the father poses a question to his son that makes the young man really think. "How are you going to focus on college if you're spending all your time being a moderator on Reddit?"
Why did the cannibal love Abraham Lincoln?
Because of the greatest speech ever written, "Four score and seven ears ago…"
My dad’s star sign was cancer which is ironic considering how he died
He was attacked by a giant crab
“I’ve just had the worst time” the boy said.
"First I had angina pectoris, and then arteriosclerosis. As I was recovering, I got psoriasis. Hypodermics was followed by tonsillitis, and lastly they gave me appendectomy." "Wow!" said his friends."How did you survive?" "I don't know" said the boy. "Toughest spelling test I've ever had"
Why can’t the chameleon change colors?
Because he has an ereptile dysfunction.
While applying for Australian citizenship the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I replied, " No, is that still required?"
I asked a poor pirate why he had a seagull on his shoulder instead of a proper parrot.
"Arrrr…it were on sail."
What do you call it when you mix alcohol and American literature ?
Tequila Mockingbird
P. Diddy wants to party, and you got to tell him no!
P. Diddy wants to party, and you got to tell him no!
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.
On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
A man tried putting ten jokes in a newspaper competition to win a car
But no pun-in-ten-did
Y’know working in a DIY/Hardware store has it’s odd moments.
Last week I caught someone trying to steal a light bulb! When I asked them if they needed help the person quickly shoved the bulb into their mouth and muttered. "Nah mate just looking for a light snack!" and walked off.
A banjo asked a fiddle to marry him. “Don’t fret!” he said. “Just duet and we’ll live in harmony until the end of time!”
Ten months later, the fiddle started to tip the scales. Her belly was noticeably bowed and before you could say concerto, out popped a minor. Daddy banjo went to the Hyundai dealer and traded in his old Accent for a brand new Sonata. After just a month, mama fiddle lost her key at the bar and had a break down when she couldn't find it. Apparently it really struck a chord with daddy banjo because for the first time ever, he took a harsh tone with mama fiddle. He drove her home, lost his tempo, strung her up by the neck and beat her. Domestic violins.
One piece of advice my dad always gave me is to learn early from your mistakes.
Probably why I’m the only child.
A Mexican magician said,
“I will disappear on the count of three! Uno…dos…” And he disappeared without a tres.
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting…
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair." "What I want you to do…" the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong." So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
What do you call a bacterial disease caused by two grizzlies?
Twobearculosis.
Let me summarize 2018 in four words for you:
Two thousand and eighteen.
A girl and guy are laying in bed after sex
She turns to him and says, "Babe I need to tell you something, I used to be a Christian." He said: "That doesn't bother me any!" She responded: "That's a relief, I much prefer being a Christine."
Warning this post is a little nsfw.
nsfw Sorry if I offended any of you. If you need some eyebleach I have a ton.
Putin on a trip.
Vladimir Putin is traveling abroad. He enters the customs line, approaches the agent and is asked: Agent: age? Putin: 66 Agent: occupation? Putin: not this time, just visiting.