Damnit tumblr
The pessimist sees a tunnel. The optimist a light a the end of the tunnel. The realist sees a train…
The train engineer sees three idiots on the railroad tracks.
What’s blue and not very heavy?
Light blue.
I met an Asian guy at a party and asked him, βAre you Chris Chen?β
He said: No, my name is Daniel. Do all Asian guys look the same to you? Me: No. I meant, do you accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior?
Bouncer: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon.
Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon. However, they arrived several hours early, and had little to do on Sunday morning while everything was closed. "Well," one says to the other, pointing to a nearby Cathedral, "why don't we attend Mass?" "Sure," replies his friend. "But we don't know how the French pray and we can't speak French!" The first guy thinks for a minute. "I have an idea. We'll pick a guy in front of us, and whatever he does, we'll do." His friend agrees. They enter the church, sit close to the front, and choose a guy. Fifteen minutes pass, and their plan is working well. Thirty minutes, no issues. By the time forty-five minutes pass, they've gotten used to the routine. Suddenly, while everyone is seated, the priest says something in French and the gentleman they chose stands up. Without thinking, the two Americans stand up as well. The church bursts into hard laughter. Realizing that no one else is standing up, the two Americans sit down quickly, before deciding to just leave in embarrassment. They wait for the Mass to end, and then approach the priest, who happened to speak English as part of his vocation. "We're really well-meaning people- we don't speak French and just chose some guy to imitate while praying," one says. The priest chuckles. "Ah. You're probably wondering why everyone laughed at you." "Yes," replied the other American. "Well, you see, I announced the Baptism of a child… and asked for the father of the child to stand up."
I tried making a joke about broke people.
It ended poorly.
Whatβs the difference between ignorance and apathy?
Donβt know, donβt care.
The local drug dealer in town started dressing as a Jehovahβs Witness so as not to arouse suspicion.
He was arrested when cops saw people actually letting him in.
“Mom, I’m dating a man.”
"Whom, sweetheart?" "Mike the mailman." "Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!" "But mom, age is just a number." "Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."
Why do hipsters burn their mouths on coffee?
Because they drink it before itβs cool.
One day a 12-year-old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the driver lowered a window.
"Iβll give you a large bag of M&Ms if you get in the car," said the driver. "No way! Get lost!" replied the boy. "How about a bag of M&Ms and 10 dollars?" the driver asked. "I said no way," replied the boy. "What about a bag of M&Ms and 50 dollars?" asked the driver. "No, Iβm not getting in the car," answered the boy. "Okay, Iβll give you a bag of M&Ms and 100 dollars," the driver offered. "No!" replied the boy. "What will it take to get you in the car?" asked the driver. The boy replied: "Listen, Dad, you bought the Prius, you live with it!"
Only Anti-Vaxxers will get this
Measels
Accidentally glued myself to my autobiography this morning
That's my story and I'm sticking to it
What do they say in Paris, TX?
Oui-haw!
I’ve never been good at scrapbooking…
…but I guess I can give it the ol' collage try.
β…heβll ask to watch TV. When you let him watch TV, heβll want to tweet.β
https://ift.tt/2M2oYhG
A dog gets lost into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution “this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before”.
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace.The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm…that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says "woah!This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top,a monkey witnessed everything.Evidently,the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily"get on my back,we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog.The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago… "
A dude walks into a restaurant and says,
"Where's the fucking manager you cock-sucker?" The host is surprised and replies, "Excuse me, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can." The manager comes over and the dude asks, "Are you the fucking manager of this shit joint?" "Yes, sir, I am," replies the manager, "and I would prefer it if you could refrain from swearing in this restaurant." "Fuck off!" replies the dude. "And where's the fucking piano?" "What?" says the manager. "Fucking deaf are we? You little piece of shit, show me your fucking piano." "Oh, you're here for the pianist job. Can you play any blues?" says the manager showing the dude the piano. "Of course I fucking can," and the guy plays the most inspiring and beautiful blues that the manager has ever heard. "That's good, what's it called?" "I want to fuck your wife on the couch but the springs keep hurting my balls," replies the pianist. The manager is disturbed but asks if he knows jazz. So he proceeds to play the best jazz solo the manager has ever heard. "Great!" cries the manager. "What's it called?" "I wanted to fuck your daughter but she's still at school." The manager gets angry but asks if he knows any ballads, he then plays the most heartbreaking melody. "And what's this called?" asks the manager. "As I fuck her under the stars, the moonlight shines off her hairy pussy," he replies. The manager is upset but offers him the job if he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers. This arrangement works well for a little bit, until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde the dude has ever seen. She's wearing a see through dress and her tits are falling out the top. She is sitting there with her legs wide open, staring at him. It's too much for him so he runs off to the restroom to yank one out. He's pulling away furiously when he hears the manager yell "Where's that pianist!?" He just has time to cum and then he runs back to the piano, not having bothered to adjust himself right, sits down and starts playing his music. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear: "Do you know your cock is hanging out of your pants and dripping jizz on your shoes?" "Know it," he replies, "I fucking wrote it!"
[Meta] Puns vs Jokes
Does anyone feel a little bothered by the blurring line between puns and jokes? I was driven away from r/jokes because it was essentially a subreddit of meta-reddit-puns, clever at first, but they quickly became predictable in the sense that the punchlines are essentially just play-on-words. Is the general consensus here that the current state of the subreddit is fine? Do we need improvements? What are your thoughts on this matter?
Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.
Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions. One said, "Think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?" "Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'These feel just like your sister's." Then you try to stay on for 8 seconds.
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my trail mix.
My grandpa always said, βAlways try to be the fish going against the current.β
Good man. Got electrocuted every day though.
Found a bullet in my avocado
Guess you can call it glockomole
What is the difference between a Joe Biden speech and a Donald Trump speech?
When Biden is speaking you wonder if he's had a stroke. When Trump is speaking you wonder if you've had a stroke.
What does a pregnant teenage girl and her baby have in common?
They're both thinking "Oh shit, my mom is gonna kill me."
I’m pretty bad at building fences..
Oops, wrong place for this post
They’ve just found Jeffery Epstein’s diary.
His last entry was about twelve years old.
they say a watermelon is 99% water
but it's literally 50%
During his presidency, there were some files that even Obama couldnβt touch.
The *For Biden* files.
You know being self quarantined isn’t even that boring
But I am surprised that there are 7884 grains of rice in one pack, and 7892 in another.
Why do Italians love soccer?
Because they get to switch sides halfway through.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
The Mechanical engineer says "It's a broken starter". The Electrical engineer says "Dead battery". The Chemical engineer says "Impurities in the gasoline". The IT engineer says "Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in".