Danger
So a girl comes in late to class…
The teacher asks her “why are you late?” Girl replies, “I was outside blowing bubbles and lost track of time.” Another girl comes in late, the teacher asks her: “and why are you late?” Girl replies, “I was out blowing bubbles.” Once again, another girl comes into class late and the teacher looks over angrily, “and why is that you’re late?!” Girl replies, “I was just blowing bubbles, sorry.” The teacher feeling bad for her outburst says “it’s ok, I just want everyone here before the new kid joins our class. Ahh, here he is now,” the teacher motions to the door. A young, nervous boy walks into the class. The teacher asks “now why don’t you introduce yourself to the class.” The boy shyly says “Hi, my name is Bubbles.”
A Mormon is seated next to an Irishman on a plane..
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
My pet parrot, Nickel, just passed away.
Now I have a nickel-less cage.
Two new recruits were on the deck of a ship.
One turns to other and says, "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight. Isn't it?" Other recruit replies, "Everyone must be watching the band." "There is no band on this ship." "No, I definitely heard the captain say, a band on ship."
Why did Barbie never get pregnant?
Because Ken came in a different box
Three brothers were competing to see who was able to give their elderly mother the best birthday gift
The first one bought her a mansion. The second one bought her a Porsche. The third one, knowing how religious their mom is, bought her a remarkable parrot. It took 18 monks 10 years to teach him how to recite the whole Bible. It’s one of a kind, it cost 20 million dollars. After some time, their mother sent out her letters of thanks: "John," she wrote to the first one, "The mansion you bought is too big. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the entire house." "Peter," she wrote to the second one, "I’m too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Porsche." "Dearest Samuel," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was absolutely delicious!"
I just yelled, “F, YOU GUYS!” at my students.
I love being a music teacher.
How do you get to the weight room at Hogwarts?
Through the Dumbell door
Why didn’t the cow’s post get any upvotes?
[remooved]
I was thinking of a joke about Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill, but then it lost momentum.
But it still has potential.
At an interview I was asked to describe myself in 1 word.
I said "good listener"
I wanna give a shout out to my fingers…
…I can always count on them!
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7 8…
I just made a list of my top 10 favourite Dad jokes. The first 9 are great but the last one is an absolute cracker
1) great 2) great 3) great 4) great 5) great 6) great 7) great 8) great 9) great 10) An absolute cracker
Why did the marshmallow cross the road?
Because he knew there was S'more to life
Unicyclists think they’re so superior…
Like, get off your pedal-stools.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood drive.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type O."
My wife said she’s going to leave me if I don’t stop with the click bait
You wont believe what happened next!
When do you go at red and stop at green?
When you’re eating a watermelon.
I lost my mood ring…
I'm not sure how I feel about that at the moment.
Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive.
Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded message: 370HSSV – 0773H Trump was baffled, so he emailed it to the his aides, who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI No one could solve it at FBI, so it went to the CIA. With no clue as to its meaning, FBI finally asked MSS (Ministry of State Security in China for help. Within a few seconds MSS cabled back with this reply: "Tell The President he's holding the message upside down."
My girl keeps having disturbed dreams, shouting things like “Hobbit!”, “Gandalf!”, and “Mordor!”.
Always Tolkien in her sleep…
16 Sodium atoms walk into a bar followed by Batman.
No text found
I keep trying to come up with unemployment jokes.
But none of them work
What tea do rich people buy?
Property
Why are Americans bad at League of Legends ?
They can’t defend the towers
Enough with the “I’ll see you next year” jokes on New Year’s!
Those jokes are a decade old now!
If a service dog without a person approaches you, it means the person is down and in need of help.
Follow the dog and you'll get a free purse or wallet.
Why does Trump take Xanax?
For Hispanic Attacks.