Darn kids rely too much on technology
I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings…
I have a complex complex complex…
Why do they call him Lord Vader?
Because no one could keep a straight face calling him Master Vader.
Why don’t blind people like to go skydiving?
It scares the dog.
One day I would love to have sex in Space.
Or on Earth.
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only two: One to promise a bright future and another one to screw it up.
You shouldn’t see any horror movie today
It May, Fri 10 you
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire ?
“Same time next month?”
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler and the other is a tiny waddler…
People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks
We really need to raise the bar
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
I was going to post a time travel joke
But you didn't like it.
Two antennas fall in love and get married on a roof
The ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was amazing
What follows two eyes?
Captain.
I went to a beautiful wedding this weekend.
It was so emotional. Even the cake was in tiers.
I just asked the wife to get into her nurses uniform.
She said why? are you feeling horny? I said no we need bread!
What’s brown and sits on a piano stool?
Beethoven's final movement
Matthew McConaughey’s Lincoln can’t turn left
It just goes all-right all-right all-right
Got my first date of 2020 already lined up
I mean, its a court date but its still a date and I am getting dressed up
Modern comic relying on a 1970s/early 80s commercial reference for Reese’s cups
https://ift.tt/33ypmvc
What do you do if a turkey starts chasing you during a snow storm?
You run away. Turns out you can't just stop cold turkey.
My wife asked me “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating ?”
So I took her to dinner, then a movie and dropped her off at her parents' house
Which weighs more, a gallon of water, or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me racist…
A lot of black people would try to mug me
A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.
When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter. She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station. Finally, she seems to recognize someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?" The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate. The Buddhist Monk replies, "my dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma."
I have a Himalayan friend that told me he was going to the protests today…
… I just saw the news and I think I saw Himalayan there.
My Friend Told Me He Identifies As A Broadcasting Radio Station
I told him “You can’t be Sirius”
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had 4 they'd be called chicken sedans.
A college professor asks all of his students to brainstorm and yell out different kinds of stereotypes.
"All blonde girls are dumb!" yells a boy in the back. "Sony!" yells the blonde girl in the front.
Why does it take a pirate so long to learn the alphabet?
Because he spends years at C!
My friend lost his job at the dairy farm because of his erratic behaviour.
He was a danger to himself and udders.
I once fell in love with a girl that only knew 4 vowels
Unfortunately she didn't know I existed.
My girlfriend is a star on pornhub.
And she'll kill me if she finds out.
I was out shopping tonight, when I saw a new brand of condoms called, “Olympic.” Trying to get in to the spirit of things, I bought a pack and when I got home, I sprinted in singing the Olympic theme song and proudly showed them to my wife…
"Olympic condoms!?" she asked. "What makes them so special? Are we only going to use them once every four years?!" Chuckling, I replied, "No,no! You see, there are three colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze!" "What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asked cheekily. "Gold of course!" I said proudly. She retorted, "Really?! Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"
Are people born with a photographic memory?
Or does it take time to develop?
Why do people never eat clocks?
Because it’s really time consuming.
A pirate walks into bar and sits…
A pirate walks into bar and sits down. The bartender notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. The pirate orders a beer, and while he's pouring it the bartender asks "So what's the story with the leg?" "Well it were many a year ago," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard, and a shark swum up and bit me leg clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a peg leg that very night." "That's terrible," says the bartender. "What about the hand?" "Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard again, and a whale came up and bit me hand clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a hook that very night." "Wow," says the bartender. "So what about the eye?" "Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship, and I were lookin out fer rogue waves, and a seagull flew over and shit right in me eye!" "Oh man," says the bartender. "And that blinded you?" "Well no," says the pirate. "But it were me first day with the hook."