Darn zoomer technology
My IQ test result just came in and I’m really relieved…
Thank God it came back negative…
At your time of life…
A very old man told me this story. "I finally left my house to go out to the store this week, and who do I see but my pastor comes walking over to me with a Bible under his arm. And this fella, he says to me, 'I haven't seen you in church recently.' Well that made me made, because you know, anybody who knows me knows that I've been in my house for the last two months with the virus going around. And he can tell I'm mad, but that doesn't stop him. This fella goes to hand me his bible, and he says 'A man of your age and your condition, I think you need to start thinking about the hereafter. Now, I've outlined a few passages that I think you ought to read.' But I pushed it back into his hands, and I say 'Pastor. You can keep your bible. I don't need it. I think about the hereafter every damn day. First thing when I wake up in the morning, I walk into the kitchen, then I go into the bathroom, then I go into my bedroom again, then I go back into the kitchen and stand there looking into the icebox for twenty damn minutes wondering…. now what was I hereafter?' "
Words cannot express…
…how limited my vocabulary is.
What do you get when you cross dyslexic, an insominac and a agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.
Facebook is a gold mine
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it’s his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house and his girlfriend meets him at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!” she says. The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are already seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and Whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.” The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a Pharmacist.”
ATE’s Pageommeter 404
I was having a bad day so I bought a bottle of vodka,gin and whisky and put them in an elevator and sent them to the top floor. Didn’t have a good reason,
Just needed something to lift my spirits
My wife thinks I don’t give her enough privacy
At least that’s what her diary said
Doctor hands me my baby
Doctor: I’m sorry sir your wife didn’t make it I hand the baby back Me: can you please bring me one my wife did make please?
Who designed this game?!
Saw this on my Facebook feed. “Hahaha poop funny”
Sorry Manny, looks like it’s a no….
I don’t mind maths.
But it is graphs where I draw the line.
As a part of their job, executioners are not allowed to high five their victims before executing them.
It’s their job to leave them hanging.
I was so bored that I memorized 6 pages of a dictionary
I learned next to nothing
What did the nut say when he was chasing the other nut?
I’m a CASHEW!
Just CSS things :D
Can’t think of good title.
Why is their cartoon style all the same?!
With all comments being, “Sad but true”
What does the bar tender says when a Neutron enters the bar?”No charge for you sir”
What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blind man walks into a bar
And a chair. And a table.
Fresh from Facebook
I haven’t seen a movie in 40 years
This is how its work
prepare your stimulus
A French man, a British man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.
They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed. The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests a bottle of tequila and a pillow strapped to his back. They let him drink the tequila and strap the pillow to his back and then commence the lashes. After 5 lashes the pillow breaks and they keep lashing him. After the 20 lashes he's bawling and his back is horribly scarred. They haul him away to be sent back to Spain. The French man is next and he requests two pillows (one per request). After 10 lashes the pillows break and they continue with the next 10. By the end he's also horribly scarred and bawling, but not as bad as the Spanish guy. While they are hauling off the French guy the judge turns to the Brit and says "Well it's your turn now. What do you request?" The British man responds "First I want the original punishment of 100 lashes. I don't believe I should get off easy." The Judge yells "You're crazy! why would you do that?" The Brit responds "Because my next request is to have the French man strapped to my back."
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink
Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
If I’m being subjective, the greatest sci-fi series of all time is Dr. Who.
If I’m being objective, it’s Dr. Whom.
PHP: Eating mud in a corner
I like using self-deprecating humor.
I'm just not very good at it.
Ball bad, ear good.
Americans are only selectively against socialism…
People in Athens hate getting up early
Because dawn is tough on Greece
Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ historic achievement
*at the eye doctor*
Doctor: You have a blind spot. Me: I need a second opinion, because I just don’t see it.
And probably stuffed with bread crumbs
Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?
The Second-Hand Store.
How do you make toast in the jungle?
Under the g(o)rill(a).
Do you support a 3 day work week?
Strap up conservatives
The Ideal Algorithm!!
If you post this meme on FB, your account gets disabled for 30 days.
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight.
"I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckoo'ed three times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably be awake, I cuckoo'ed another nine times, so that he would think it was 12 cuckoos — or just midnight. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with them. The next morning, my husband asked me what time I got in and I told him, "Midnight!" He didn't seem pissed in the least. I had gotten away with it, I thought. Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he then said, "Well last night our cuckoo clock cuckoo'ed three times, then said `oh shit,' cuckoo'ed four more times, then cleared its throat, cuckoo'ed another three times, giggled, cuckoo'ed twice more and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
Wife bad. (Shared by my FIL)
“ I’m not sure anybody even knows what it is “
It feels a lot swampier now
I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise….
My boss asked “what companies? “ Gas, water and electricity.
How do you make a pheromone?
Tell him to let your people go.
It’s what the founding fathers would’ve wanted
Once again. Trump criticizes Trump.
A man came home to discover that someone had stolen all his lamps.
He was delighted.
IE 7 be like
I don’t get jokes about school shootings
I guess they must be aimed at a younger audience.
When I die I want to die peacefully in sleep like my granddad …
Not screaming hysterically like his passengers
Had us in the first half, ngl
Check the comments for the article(s) about the photos
Down the dark corridor
A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building…
He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
Having an algorithm O(n^2)