Darnedest right Twitter add, they really do.
“To be and not to be”
—Schrödinger's Hamlet
I’ve heard so much about the “Eye Of The Tiger”, but how come no one talks about…
…the other four letters?
A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes…
"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."
What is the german word for constipation?
Fahrfrompoopin
Everyday I tell the wife I’m gonna do a few miles around the neighborhood for exercise. And I never do lol.
It’s a running joke I have
A male and a female martians swapped partners with an earth couple
The Martian male was fucking the earth female but she told him that his penis was too small so he pulled his left ear and his penis became longer then she told him that it's too thin so he pulled his right ear and his penis became wider and the earth female became very happy. The next night the earth female asked the earth male about his experience with the female martian so he said "yea it was fun but idk why she kept pulling my ears"
A man loses his job and REALLY needs money.
He is walking on the sidewalk when a demon from hell appears. The demon says “I will give you $100,000, but you must give me your wife.” The man ponders the offer for a few seconds, then says “Okay, what’s the catch?”
BC now stands for “Before Coronavirus”
and AD is now "After Distancing" Welcome to the new dark ages
For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me “the most secretive guy” they ever met.
I can’t tell you how much this means to me.
In America some dogs are K-9
In China some dogs are E-10
When I was younger, I lived in a houseboat and started to date the girl next door.
Unfortunately we soon drifted apart.
I called my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up burgers and fries on my way home from work, but she just grunted at me…
I think she still regrets letting me name the twins…
Wanna hear a joke about the ozone layer?
[depleted]
Did you hear about the soldier that lost his legs?
They say he was defeated in battle
People say vegans are annoying
But I've never had any beef with them.
I went to the doctors wanting a brain transplant
They changed my mind
What does sex and bungee jumping have in common?
The thrill only lasts about 30 seconds,and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.
A snake walks into a bar..
And the bartender says "how the fuck did you do that"
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean
What did Buddha say to the hotdog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."
I felt sorry for the hypnotist
I saw last night. He hypnotized 7 guys, then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled "FU*K ME" What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?
Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow…
I asked this hot girl her New Years resolution
She said “fuck you” so I’m very excited for 2020
What’s the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
Beer nuts are always over a dollar, deer nuts are always under a buck. Goofy, I know, but still makes me laugh 20 years after I first heard it!
A woman got hit in the head by a horse.
Don’t worry, she’s in stable condition.
You’ve been elected president of the phobia society.
I was afraid of that.
I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today.
Don't worry, I'm not hurt. It was a soft drink.
A Boy was having sex with a girl on a Railway track
The train driver spots them and starts hooting but they ignore it. He applies brakes so hard and the train stops just a few yards away from the couple. Driver jumps from the engine and walks to the boy who just finished and is standing up and zipping up his pants. The driver shouts out to the boy "Do u realize that if I had not seen u, this would have been ur last f…!!! Boy -'Listen dude, you were coming, She was coming and I was coming, then I realised only You have Brakes.
Best joke I have still ever overheard. Dad to his buddies while I’m 10 years old listening from the porch.
This guy walks into a bar with his briefcase in hand and he’s mad. He sits at the bar, puts his case down and orders a drink. The bartender serves him right up and asks the man what’s got him down. The man gives a disappointed grin and tells the bartender that he can just show him. He opens his briefcase and out pops a tiny person about a foot tall that begins to play his miniature piano. Of course the bartender is amazed and is just about to ask where he found this little guy but is cut off by the man who informs him that there’s a genie outside his bar granting people wishes for free. The bartender sprints outside but comes right back only minutes later followed by an army of quacking ducks that fill the whole place. Angrily, the bartender says to the first man that the genie has: “ Gotta be deaf man! I ask for a million bucks and get a million ducks…” First man says “ Bro, you think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?”
My friend went completely bald years ago, but he still carries a comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.
If a Scot gets slightly upset every time he’s mistaken for his Gaelic-speaking neighbors…
…that still makes him Ire-ish.
Two dyslexics walk into a bra
No text found
Some guy came up to me and said, “I haven’t gone to the bathroom in two years.”
I said, "you're full of crap"
In response to your request for an apology and retraction, our answer is “no.”
https://ift.tt/2xZ1fuB
Create new password: Tomato
Confirm new password: Tomato Passwords don't match.
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat any dinner?
They were already stuffed!
I have finally made it
I have two kids, a three year old daughter and a one year old son. Today as we were driving home, my daughter said for the first time “dad I’m hungry” and I felt the power course through my veins knowing I was about to reach the pinnacle of existence. I delivered the revered line and my wife just looked at me and I knew I had achieved everything in life.
What do you call a fat psychic
Four-chin teller
A bear walks into a bar..
He walks up to the bartender and says "Can I get a……………….beer?" Bartender says "Why the big pause?" Bear responds "idk man I was born with them"
I started carrying a gun after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then my muggings have been a lot more successful.
In one lost episode, Superman almost dies because he was wearing the wrong sized cloak.
He had a narrow S cape.
Oh god guys, I’m hearing a noise up stairs
Really hope that it isn’t Christopher Robin my house
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.
She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".
My dog once retrieved a stick from 1 mile away
I know, it sounds a little far fetched.