Darnedest right Twitter add, they really do.
If I had $5 for every woman that found me unattractive
Pretty soon they'd all find me attractive
What does an inflated tire say when it gets excited?
“I’m pumped”.
Two nuns are walking down the street when they notice that a man is following them.
Sister Michael, the older and wiser nun, says to the young and naïve Sister Patrick, "See that crossroad ahead? You go left and I'll go right: he can't follow us both. We'll meet back at the Abbey." So the sisters part and the man follows Sister Michael. Some time later, Sister Patrick is anxiously waiting at the Abbey when Sister Michael returns alone. "Thank the Lord you are alright!", exclaims Sister Patrick. "But what happened to that man? "Well," replies Sister Michael, "After a few minutes, I stopped and pulled up my dress." Sister Patrick stares in shock. "Then," continues Sister Michael, "he stopped and pulled down his trousers." Sister Patrick gasps. "Oh Sister, why would you let him do that?" "Because," explains Sister Michael, "a nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his trousers down!" Thanks to my English teacher for telling my class this when we were 13.
My ex wife still misses me
But her aim is getting better
My roommate is 2 days younger than me
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was your age…” and then describing what I did 2 days ago
I never believed my friend would steal from his job as a road worker
but then I started to see the signs
Mud
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A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England.
She raised her right arm revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink? The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, a bleary-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink! The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink? Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's none of my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her 'the ballerina' ?" The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."
I used to have three children, until an accident happened.
I now have four.
My son asked me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I laughed, “That’s Superman!”
He replied, “Thanks dad! I’ve been practicing a lot!"
What’s the difference between a tuna, a piano, and an owl?
You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna.
My girlfriend is a half-Korean
Her mom is Korean and her dad is Korean and her legs got ripped off in a car accident.
I just bought a border collie.
The one I already had wasn't bored enough.
Why can’t you have a nose that’s 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot.
I didn’t always want a brain transplant,
but then I changed my mind.
What do you call an Irish baker?
A ginger bread man. Just came up with this. Sorry for your eyes.
Einstein: Dad, my paper on The Theory of Relativity finally got published!
Einstein’s dad: Damn son, it’s about time.
My grandpa went to Vietnam and he shot and killed dozens of North Vietnamese singlehandedly.
We are going on vacation somewhere else next year.
My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes
It was the end of my Korea
I just realized my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions…
Oh well, hindsight is 1
A mom decides to clean her sons room.
Under his bed she finds a large collection of BDSM porn. Disturbed and not sure what to do she goes to her husband. "What should we do about this?" she asks. He replied, "Well we sure as hell can't spank him!"
Einstein finally developed a theory about space…
It was about time too! badoom chaaaa
Adultery is a sin..
You can’t have your Kate and Edith too.
Nowadays It is more important to see the Manufacturer country than Expire Date.
https://ift.tt/314GiIy
“Mickey, it says here that you killed Minnie because she was ‘really silly’?”
"No", replies Mickey, "I said she was fucking Goofy."
How long does it take to eat another banana?
A bananosecond
How do you make toast in the jungle?
Under the g(o)rill(a).
Three teenagers are walking along the side of a canal…
They notice some men in suits moving frantically around a drowning man. The three teenagers jump in and save the drowning person only to realize that it’s President Trump. Once everyone has recovered, the President thanks them for saving him. He offers each teenager one wish within his powers. The first teenager says that his father was wrongfully convicted and now sits on death row. Everyone knows it, but all of his appeals have been used up. His one wish is to have his father pardoned. Trump asks the kid for the name of his father and the pardon will be put through. The second teenager wants nothing more than to attend a military academy, like many other members of his family, but his grades aren’t good enough. Trump has the teenager give his information to one of the Secret Service agents and he’ll get into the academy of his choice. The third teenager asks to be buried at Arlington National Cemetery. Trump points out that this is a very unusual request. One of his friends is trying to save his father and the other wants to serve his country. Why is he asking for something so morbid? The teenager replies, “When my parents find out I saved you, they’re going to kill me.”
I’ll never forget my Dad’s final words
"Son, toss me that hatchet"