My dad always told me that I am special, that I’m the 1%.
Later in life, i learned that condoms only work 99% of the time.
What does a robot do after sex?
Nuts and bolts
I used to sneak out of the house to go to parties…
…now I sneak out of parties to go home.
50,000 blondes met in a center for the first ever “Blondes Are Not Stupid” Convention
Their leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!" Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 50,000 blondes start cheering, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!" The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 50,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?" The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh — everyone is disheartened – the blonde starts crying and the 50,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!" The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance — What is 2 plus 2?" The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?" Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 50,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream… "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
Three men die and go to heaven
three men named Mike, Ricky, and Randy arrive to st Peters pearly gates, they are greeted by Peter: “welcome guys, mike please come in first.” Mike walks through the gates where then a Ferrari awaits him. Peter: “Here Mike, my records show me that you have never cheated on your wife, thus you have a Farrari to drive in heaven for eternity. Now Ricky, please enter.” Ricky walks through the pearly gates where he sees a Toyota there for him. Peter: “ Hello Ricky, my records show me that you have cheated on your wife 2 times, you are now stuck with this 1998 Toyota as your car for eternity. Now Randy, come in.” Randy enters and sees a Push bike laying on the ground for him. Peter: “ Randy, I am disappointed in you, my records show you have cheated on your wife 8 times. You now can only ride your bike around for eternity. As all men have passed through the pearly gates, Randy and Ricky see Mike sitting in his Ferrari, crying his eyes out. They go up to him and say: “Mikey, what’s up why are you crying, you are sitting in a Ferrari?!” Mike answers: “g-guys… I just saw my wife roll by on a s-skateboard.
What’s the heights of over confidence
. Edit: thank you kind stranger for the Silver!
I wrote an apology in morse code
I call it the remorse code
My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records
Then I got kicked out of the library.
“Dad, I’m so happy! I got a B in reading!”
Dad: That’s a D, idiot.
A knew a guy with such a bad gambling addiction, that he gambled his arms, legs, and torso away.
I told him to quit while he was a head.
What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
A literalist takes things literally. A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
I finally have a girlfriend
Now I wish I could post it on an other subreddit
An old man is trying to figure out how to choose which one of his three sons should inherit his farm
So one morning he decides to give them each a duck and tells them whoever sells it for the most money gets the farm, and all 3 of them set out to sell their ducks. The oldest son comes back an hour later and says "i got 10 dollars for my duck dad" to which the father replies "not bad." The second oldest son comes back 5 hours later and says "well dad, I got 5 dollars, a basket of apples, and a basket of oranges." To which the dad replies "very good son!" The youngest son is having trouble selling his duck so he decides to just give it away to the first person he sees. He's walking past a brothel and sees a nice looking hooker and asks her "you want a free duck?" She is confused but says yes and then asks him if he wants a free session for it, and he accepts. After they get done she says that he was so good she wants to go again, and he says sure but only if he can have his duck back. She agrees, they go again, and he walks out with his duck. On his way home a car coming down the road startles the duck, it flies into the road and gets hit. The man driving the car hops out and starts freaking out and says "I'm so sorry! Here's 20 bucks for your duck!" the boy takes the money and heads home leaving the duck on the side of the road. When he gets home the father says "wow you've been gone a long time! What did you get for your duck?" The son says "a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and 20 bucks for a fucked up duck."
My daughter just dropped a dad joke that made me super proud.
We're celebrating my daughter's 4th birthday party today. She puts her giant number 4 balloon on her head, turns to me and says "Look daddy, it's a four-head!"
My friend once told me centrifugal force doesn’t exist.
He was clearly out of the loop.
When I was a kid my dad use to always beat me with a camera
I still have flashbacks!
What does America have that Canada doesn’t?
Nice neighbors.
Three drunk guys walk into a brothel…
The madam sees them and tells the girls, “just use blow-up sex dolls, they are so wasted they won’t know the difference”. So the three guys find themselves in their rooms with a girl, so the deed, and walk out. The first guy says, “those girls were odd”. The second says, “yeah, I wonder if they were dead, cause no matter what I did, she didn’t move.” The third guy says, “no way, I think they were witches!” Both other guys stopped at this, shocked, and ask, “what? Why do you think they were witches?” The third guy replies, “because when I bit her ass, she farted on my face, and flew out of the window…”
“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”
“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”
Yes
https://ift.tt/2Hh05xn
When I die, I’m donating my body to science.
It’s the only way I’ll ever get into medical school.
I sold my vacuum cleaner the other day.
All it was doing was collecting dust.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt and walks up to the bartender and asks for two beers and says…
"One for me and one for the road"
Wanna hear a joke about construction?
Wait, I’m still working on it.
I looked up opaque in the dictionary
But the definition is unclear.
What do you call a hippie’s wife?
Mississippi
I gave my date a bottle of tonic water
Schwepped her off her feet
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
No text found
A man visits a wise man and meets his three daughters…
He's staying for the night and each of the girls come to him in turn to offer their hospitality. The first one tells him her name is June because she was born in June. She is well practiced in fortune telling and gives him advice on the future. The second one tells him her name is August because she was born in August. She practices medicine and gives him a complete physical. The third one tells him her name is Maple because she was born in the neighboring town. She tells him of a great treasure buried beneath the family stables. After digging for an entire night, he returns empty-handed to the house covered in dirt and animal excrement. He complains to the wise man about Maple's deception. The wise man replies "oh you must have met April. April fools."
What is heck?
It’s where you go if you don’t believe in gosh.
At age 12, Little Johnny was blessed with a nine inch penis.
And three years later, that priest went to prison.

Bigly missing someone who sounds like they have more than a third grade education.
https://ift.tt/2wDJ50J
Just paid a lot of money for a really unprofessional circumcision
It was a rip off
So it turns out that one of my old friends might be going blind.
He’s not looking so good.