Data Scientists these days..
Mother Superior is in the convent, when she hears a knock at the door. She opens the door and is shocked to see two leprechauns standing at the threshold, hats in hand. The first leprechaun speaks, “Mother Superior, would you be having any leprechaun nuns in this convent?”
"No, my son. We have no leprechaun nuns in this convent." "And mother, do you have any leprechaun nuns in all of Ireland?" "No my son, I don't believe there's a single leprechaun nun in the whole church!" The first leprechaun rounds on his companion and shouts, "AH TOL' YE YOU'D BEEN FOOKIN' A PENGUIN!"
How do you top a car?
Tep on the brake, tupid!
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad.
He makes gunpowder for a living.
I am reading a horror story in Braille
Someone is gonna die, I can feel it.
Going against the grain here
Chinese takeout: $15.00 Gas to get there: $1.50 Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes… Riceless
I ran out of toilet paper the other day, and have been using newspaper since…
And man, the Times are tough!!!
Why was Pavlov’s beard so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
Why do Redditors get excited when a tornado rips down miles of fences?
Because there is a lot of reposting to do.
I was feeling very lonely so I bought some shares…
It’s nice to have a bit of company…
I bought my dad a refrigerator for his birthday.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it
what I if told you…
that you misread the first line of this joke
I have a fear of speed bumps.
I am getting over it, slowly.
“You’re the bomb!” “No, you’re the bomb!”
In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.
I attended a self-defence course.
At the end of it, the person that ran the course said, "Ok, buddy, so for the week you owe me…£380." "I refuse to pay," I told him. "You have to," he insisted. "Well then, you'll have to fight me for it." So we fought, and he absolutely battered me. Left me bloody, bruised and beaten. He said, "£380. Cough it up." "No," I told him, wiping my lip. "Because it was clearly a waste of money."
A man is walking home late one foggy night…
when behind him he hears: BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!… Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!… Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him. FASTER… FASTER… BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping… Clappity-BUMP… Clappity-BUMP… Clappity-BUMP… …on his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket… and… The coffin stops.
Twenty years ago, I married my best friend in the whole world.
If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!
Cop: do you know why i pulled you over?
Me: because the police force is a fascist institution designed to protect the wealthy Cop: there's a man in your trunk Me: yea a 𝙧𝙞𝙘𝙝 man
It all.
The title says it all.
A sheep, an idiot, and a snake walk into a bar.
Baaaa dumb hisssssss
My wife accused me of being immature…
I told her to get out of my fort.
What did the 3 tampons say to each other at the bus stop?
Nothing, they were stuck up cunts
My son asked me “Dad, what are condoms used for?”
Me: Usually to avoid answering questions like these.
I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne"
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3?
In charge of the sequence, Yoda was.
Son: Hey Dad, did you ever get shot in the army?
Dad: No I got shot in the leggy.
My wife got really mad at me because I have no sense of direction.
So i packed my stuff and right.
If I’m being subjective, the greatest sci-fi series of all time is Dr. Who.
If I’m being objective, it’s Dr. Whom.
Someone just called me emotionless
I don't know how to feel about it
What do you call someone who takes care of chickens?
A chicken tender
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
I saw a lady in tears at the store
She said she had lost an envelope with her tax refund inside. I gave her 100$ because I had just found about $1600 in the parking lot. payitforward
A Chinese man enters a Jew’s lingerie store…
-I want 20 black bras size 85 D. The Jew: -Of course, but black is rare color, so their price is 15$ for each one. -It does not matter, said the Chinese, -I'll pay. He took the purchase and left. After a week the Chinese returns again. -I want 30 black bras size 85 D. -Yes, of course, said the Jew, -but it's so hard to get them, so now their price jumped to $25 for each one. -It does not matter, I'll pay. said the Chinese, paying for the purchase. A week later, he comes again to the Store Jew. -I want 100 black bras size 85 D! -Yes, but their price has jumped a lot, the Jew said, -it is extremely difficult to deliver them; Now they are 55$ for each one, -It does not matter, I'll pay, replied the Chinese. As the jew packed the order, angry with curiosity, he asked: -Excuse me, but can you tell me what do you do with so many bras? -I cut them in the middle and sell as Jewish caps for 200$.
My wife hasn’t said a word to me in 6 days.
What's even better is, she thinks it's punishment.
If I had a Nickle For every Time I was Clueless, I’d be Like
How the f*** did I get all these nickles?
Why haven’t Aliens visited our Solar System yet? …
They looked at the reviews… Only 1 star.
The person who invented hand sanitiser…
She must be really rubbing her hands together now!
![[OC] Guess The Pun #47 – Suffix to say… (x-post from r/puns)](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/no_image_card-1-400x247.png)
My wife didn’t think I’ll give our daughter a silly name.
But I called her Bluff.
A farmer has 895 sheep.
Realising that this is quite a lot of sheep for one farm, and Jess the sheepdog is getting a bit old, he decides he'll probably need a new dog- no, a whole team of dogs- to round so many sheep up. So the next day, the farmer goes to the pet store. He looks around at the various herding dogs- they seem very fit, but young and untrained. The shopkeeper asks the farmer if he wants any help. "Why yes," says the farmer. I need a team of sheepdogs to help round up my flock. I have a rather large number of sheep, you see, and I don't think any of these young pups would be up to the task of rounding up so many." The shopkeeper says, "I've got just the thing for you." and leads the farmer into a small back room, where a single sheepdog sits waiting. "Are you sure?" asks the farmer, "I have very many sheep and I don't think one dog will be able to round all of them up.". "I'm sure." says the shopkeeper, "This is a very intelligent dog. He's been well-trained for many jobs and has skills beyond any other dog I've ever seen." "Yes," says the dog, "I know six languages, eight martial arts and I have a degree in engineering." The farmer, clearly very impressed by this dog- who wouldn't be impressed by that?- decides to take him home. That afternoon, the farmer and the dog walk together up hill, and from the top they can see the entire flock covering the fields. "Well," says the farmer, "I'd like you to round up all of these sheep.". "Okay." replies the dog, "You have nine hundred sheep."
I’m gonna quit my job on a submarine
I'm under a lot of pressure
