Dating a single mother
Is like continuing from someone else’s saved game
I just learned the medical name for Viagra.
The Cowering Chief
I saw a communist joke the other day,
I just had to share it with everyone
Wish he were this mad about Flint’s water
What time is it?
My grandfather died and I inherited some of his belongings.
He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens. For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them. After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoonish images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection. When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie. Why am I telling you all of this back story? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.
Don’t fuck this up for us!!
Programmer for life
A lawyer’s trick . . .
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.” He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.” The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. “But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.” The jury foreman replied: “Oh, we did look, but your client didn’t.”
I drank all that wine for nothing.
This shutdown is bad for everyone in the service industry, but it especially sucks for men
We're losing $1 for every $.79 women are losing
I’m on the couch playing video games when my dad walks in with a tape measure
About five feet away from me he stops and starts pushing the tape out to me. It gets closer and closer until it eventually smushes against my cheek. I ask him "What are you doing?" "I'm measuring your patience."
Gem found in Facebook
Healthy, Schmealthy …
not a boomershumor but a boomer roast, I hope this is allowed
I’ll have the McPlastic thanks…
What is the German word for constipation ?
There are three stages of sex after marriage:
Tri-weekly. Try weekly. Try weakly.
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early ?
Because dawn is tough on Greece
My car really whips the llama’s ass! (excuse the dirt, it rained a bit this morning)
“Social Media should not fact check posts” says child molester Mark Zuckerberg | The Chaser
Don’t let snowball reach thermal equilibrium.
I vote Facebook is something we live without
The onion really coming through.
Only the best clients
Sir…. The People of Earth want you to leave.
A man died and was sent to hell. The devil was feeling generous and gave him three choices.
The devil took him to the first room. The room was empty except for a pool of scalding hot water. The man saw George Bush, jump into the pool, climb out and jump back in again. The devil said "That's his punishment. He has to jump into the pool for eternity. If you pick this room, you take his place." The man hurriedly asked for option 2. So they went to the next room. This room was filled with rocks. The man could make out Obama continuously smashing rocks. The devil said "That's his punishment. He must smash rocks for eternity. If you pick this room, you take his place." The man asked for option 3. This room was magnificent. It had a massive king size bed, a table full of delicacies and just the works. On the bed, the man saw Trump having sex with Mia Khalifa. The man jumped with joy and exclaimed "This room! I pick this room!" "Are you sure?" the devil asked "Yes definitely!" "Okay then, Mia you can leave. This man here will be taking your place."
we salute this absolute legend
I was in the bank earlier, when the woman behind the counter started singing, “Downtown”…
I thought to myself, "What a peculiar clerk."
I read an article earlier that said it actually takes three sheep to make one sweater…
I didn't even know they could knit!
I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold.
I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.
Mean people suck
The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.
She was wearing massive gloves
Why did the English teacher break up with the physics teacher?
There was no chemistry
There is a new reality show where flat earthers are trying to find the edge of the world.
They will be so disappointed when the finale is not a cliffhanger.
I ate too much alphabet soup
Now I’m sitting on the toilet with a massive vowel movement….
One night, a man and a woman meet at a bar
. After a drink or two, they start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors attending an out-of-town medical conference. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight-no strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." Considering that the man looked and acted pleasant enough, the woman doctor agrees to it. The two go to her hotel and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom, undresses, preps, and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and gets into bed. They have foreplay for 20 minutes and *** for 30 minutes or so. Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?" "Yeah", says the man, a bit surprised. "How did you know?" The woman answers, "Because after you poked me, I didn't feel a thing."
Why don’t blind people pick up their guide-dog’s poop?
Because they can't see shit.
I used to be addicted to soap,
but I'm clean now.
From a young age I wanted to play guitar very badly.
After decades of dedicated and concentrated practice, I finally achieved my goal. I can play guitar very badly.
Right when you think your day is bad, it can get worse!
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex…
But my girlfriend keeps insisting it says dyslexia
My wife asked me if I thought our kids were spoiled
I said "No, I think all kids smell like that"
My wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia, but unfortunately, I had to dial the help line.
"G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?" I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well….ya know." The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!" I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You've saved my honeymoon!"
It is true
What an odd way of spelling Turtle.
A high school is having a talent show.
The first act is a girl trying to tie a knot with a cherry stem in her mouth. She tries and tries, but she just cant do it. A guy from the audience yells out, "Hey, maybe you should practice with my dick!" Most of the audience laughs. The girl requests a microphone and a nearby teacher obliges. The girl says into the microphone, "I think I should get good with the cherry stem before I try anything smaller."
I used a penny stamp to mail a love note. But instead of writing it, I only sprayed it with my favorite cologne.
With a cent, I sent a scent.
We need a space wall, and Mars is going to pay for it
Only the best quotes
The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem
task manager has stopped working
Time to reopen