Daughter’s vibrator
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
He replied…………"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
A married man was having an affair with his secretary
One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"
My girlfriend said, “You act like a detective too much. I want to split up.”
"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."
Why did the DJ go to the farmers’ market?
To get some fresh beets.
The great thing about your parachute not deploying
Is that you have the rest of your life to fix it.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for the fresh prints
What do you call a hippie’s wife?
Mississippi
A girls goes to the doctor
a girl goes to the doctor and says: "Doctor, I have a black dot next to the pussy and do not know what is" The doctor says: "Do you smoke?" "Yes, why do you ask?" "Quit smoking and returns next week" The following week the girl returns: "The point has become bigger!" The doctor, who does not know what to do, says: "Do you drink alcohol?" "Yes, sometimes" "Then stop drinking and come back next week" A week goes by and the girl returns: "doctor, is still there" The doctor is perplexed: "Are you married?' "Yes, why?" "Come back tomorrow with your husband to see if he knows anything" The next day he returns with the husband, who goes in a work suit and the doctor asks him: "What do you work for?" "I'm a carpenter" "Fuck, then take the pencil out your ear when you eat your wife's pussy"
[OC] Why did the man have a whirring noise in his ears?
Because he was genetically engine-eared.
Personally, I don’t believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
Tesla’s don’t have that new car smell.
They come with that Elon Musk.
A guy visits his favorite dominatrix
He puts his money on the bedside table and says “I’ve been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.” She makes him strip and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom. Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts. She runs her whip over his flesh and, as he wriggles in anticipation, the bed posts break and his arms come free. “Don’t worry, I can fix this” he says, as he runs out to his car. He returns in a few minutes with some tools and gets to work. In a few minutes the bedposts are fixed. He looks admiringly at his handiwork and beams. “Good as new, mistress!” She says “This sub really loves reposts.”
“Officer, are you crying while you are writing me a ticket?”
Cop: It’s a…moving violation.
I quit my job as a postman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”
I had a granny that we couldnt decide whether to bury or cremate
In the end we decided to just let her live.
I heard this one from my raughty mother. I dont know if it is original :)
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?’ Michael said: ‘Just a minute I have to go pee.’ The teacher responded by saying: ‘That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?’ Sherman said: ‘I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.’ That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?’ Little Johnny said: I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.’ The teacher fainted…
Trump & Obama are in a barber shop…
Getting fresh cuts and shaves. They’re sitting right next to each other. Everyone is on edge; nobody is saying a word. Trump’s shave finishes first and the barber asks if he wants aftershave. Trump smells it and says “No way! That stuff smells like a whorehouse! I go home smelling like that and Melania’s going to think I was up all night fucking whores bigly! It will get me in so much trouble!” Obama’s shave finishes and his barber asks Obama if he wants aftershave. Obama says, “Sure! My wife doesn’t know what a whorehouse smells like.”
Before I became a dad, I was truly concerned that I wouldn’t know how to be a good father
Thankfully, turns out it's in my blood. I come from a long line of Fathers.
My doctor recommended exercise to slim down as well as some orange juice for vitamins
It’s the weight and c approach I guess
When I get into the shower naked
The shower gets turned on.
A man walks into an LGBTQ centre.
He walks up to the front desk and introduces himself. "Hello, I identify as a chocolate bar. Can I join?" The receptionist replies "Sir, that's disgraceful! You're mocking the community. We're going to have to ask you to leave." "You can't call me sir!" The man exclaims. "I use her/shey pronouns."
If someone can explain to me why my heating bills are so high..
..My door is always open.
So, Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween.
I guess they don't appreciate random people coming to their door.
Just found out that cockfighting is done with roosters.
That's 27 years of rigorous training, straight down the fucking drain.
*slaps knee*
https://ift.tt/2OxfOLC
Apparently you cant use “beefstew” as a password
I must not be strogonough (strong enough)
Mountains aren’t just funny…
They’re hill areas.
It’s probably not safe for me to be driving this car right now.
But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.
When I meet the girl’s parents for the first time
When I meet the girl’s parents for the first time
My girlfriend is so smart
Once I forgot to bring my phone when I went out for the day. I borrowed my friend's phone to call her. She answered "What's up baby?" She is so smart she knew I was the one calling her. Edit: it's my cake day!
I’ve developed a fetish for figuring things out.
I just came to that realization.