David Koresh agrees
Doctor just told a nun that she is pregnant.
Nun: "Doctor, you can't be serious – I haven't had sex with a man even once in my entire life! I am saving myself for God!" Doc: "Sorry, but the tests show undoubtedly that you are pregnant…" Nun leaves the doctor in anger and bursts back into church shouting: "Ok, who in the name of the God HAD CUM ONTO THE CANDLES!!!"
I just bought the personalized license plate BAA BAA…
For my black jeep…
What’s the difference between hungry and horny?
Where you put the cucumber
What do you call chickens who count their eggs?
A mathamachicken
My dad made his first dad joke in a long time
For context: we have a vegetable garden and a dog named Max During dinner, my mom remarked how her stir fry was made almost entirely out of vegetables from our garden except the eggs, to which my dad said “well then we’ll just have to raise some chickens.” I reply, “well what about Max?”, implying that he might attack the chickens. And without hesitation my dad replies, “well he can’t lay eggs”
How come none of the animals on the ark could play cards?
Because Noah was standing on the deck Credit to my dad who said this 2 seconds ago
What do you call Santa’s helpers?
Subordinate clauses.
Did you know that diarrhea is genetic?
It runs in your jeans
My girlfriend walked out on me for being too old fashioned.
I thought we had good alchemy.
A man wakes up after a night out with the boys with a horrible hangover
He realizes that he's home, in his bed. With growing shock he realizes that he's wearing pajamas. He notices a glass of water on his night stand, a couple of aspirins, and a note. The note reads, "Darling, I'm off to the store. Breakfast is on the table. eternally yours, your loving wife". Completely confused as to why his wife is being so nice, he walks through a spotless house to the kitchen, where a nice breakfast is waiting for him. His son is sitting at the kitchen table, reading a book. The man asks, "son, what the hell happened last night?" "Well dad, you stumbled in at 3 AM, completely drunk, puked in the hallway, and pissed all over the toilet." "Why is mom being so nice?" "Because when she was trying to get you into bed, and mom was trying to take off your pants, you started screaming, BITCH LEAVE ME ALONE I'M MARRIED!"
My friend says he’s a compulsive liar…
I don’t believe him.
Your penis so small….
That when you put it in a girl her immune system tries to fight it.
I don’t know why marvel hasn’t tried to advertise on the hulk.
He’s a giant banner after all.
A man and his wife are sound asleep in bed when the phone rings. The man picks up, listens for a second and says, “How the fuck would I know, you idiot? I’m not a weatherman,” before slamming down the receiver.
“Who was that?” asks his wife. “Wrong number. It was some bastard asking if the coast was clear.”
It wasn’t until I slapped the statue’s ass.
That I realized I had hit rock bottom
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field
But hay, it's in my jeans.
I couldn’t believe I got to use this
Wife-Can you be serious for a minute? Me-*grins* Ok and you be Shirley Wife-I'm serious! Me-Shirley you can't be Serious, I'm Serious This actually happened. 🙂
a man woke up after a serious accident and he said “I can’t feel my legs!!”
the doctor said “I know you can’t, i’ve cut off your arms!
A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan
A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan. The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?" The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce." The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?" The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her. They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out. They park it in their underground garage for two weeks. When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?" The woman replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio.
Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States. “Father, where is the United States,” Hans asked. His father pointed at a map towards North America. “Aren’t we currently at war with Russia? Where might that be,” he questioned his father. The man pointed towards the Soviet Union. “And I’m told we’re also at war with the British Empire. Where is that?” The father pointed out all of the territories owned by the British. “Where is Germany again, Father?” He pointed to their home country in Central Europe. Hans pondered this information for a second. “One last question, Father.” “Yes?” “Has Hitler seen this map?”
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled back, "Nah, I didn't pay for my haircut!"
Conservatives would have cheered for rise of The Empire and the fall of Liberty.
https://ift.tt/2ZoEPvJ
I quit my job as a postman on my first day, right after they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and said, “This isn’t for me.”
Why don’t Jews eat pussy?
It's too close to the gas chamber. Edit: Jesus Christ, look at that, I got silver! Not 30 pieces, but anyway.
I’m doing a one man show about puns at my local theater…..
……it's a play on words.
I think I’d win gold in “Literature Gymnastics.”
I can really flip a page. 😀
What does a robot do after sex?
Nuts and bolts
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent.
What did the officer say to his belly button?
You’re under a vest!
I hired a landscape gardener…
But he said he couldn’t help as my garden was portrait.
Did you know there was a Knight who always refused to fight in battle?
His name was Sir Render.
Time flies like an arrow
Fruit flies like a banana.
Doctor: your brain fell out during the accident but don’t worry I put it back in
Me: thanks for reminding me
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today
Should have cooked it at aloha temperature