Day 4 of making people’s day with cute puns 💜😊
My friend gets offended when people tell fat jokes.
I told her to lighten up.
What’s with these stingy ducks
They can’t get rid of their bills
My mom gave me this mug as a going off to college present. Got called out by my textbook…
https://ift.tt/2VUSutr
One in 3 Americans
weighs as much as the other two combined
Courtesy of whoever did this originally. I saw the question, and I took the chance.
https://ift.tt/33R4FtB
Did you know you cannot breath through the nose while you’re smiling?
Haha, I made you smile.
ANNOUNCEMENT: r/boomershumor cleanup and return to the golden era
This sub has gone from great to bad in just months. The majority of the top posts were rule-breaking reposts from r/terriblefacebookmemes and r/wholesomememes. Many long-term members have been rightfully complaining.I am happy to announce that r/boomershumor will be returning to its roots: a place for shitty boomer comics.Here’s what that means:Rules will be enforced again and new mods will be recruited in the coming weeks.Old posts that broke the rules are being removed — a clean standard needs to be set for new members.Wholesome comics are not allowed.Meta threads and OC boomer comics are now officially allowed for the time being and have their own flair.Reminder of the rules and examples of what doesn’t belong:Rule 1: Baby boomer humor only. Terrible comics that younger people could find funny don’t belong here. Try r/ComedyCemetery.Rule 2: Must be comic styled. Example of what doesn’t belong. Shitty boomer memes can be posted to r/terriblefacebookmemes.Rule 3: No wholesome comics or sanity edits. Example. You can find wholesome comics on r/wholesomememes and sanity edits on various other subs.Additional Changes:Post flairs have been added. Please recommend additional flairs in the comments.Users flairs have been added. You can select your generation and out yourself as a boomer.When reporting posts, you can now select which rule. Thank you for taking the time to report.Please post any feedback, questions, comments, and complaints about your wife in the comments below.
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off.
I said “ son, that’s 3 schools this year… maybe teaching isn’t for you.”
All my life I’ve wanted to learn how to juggle
I just never had the balls to do it
My wife walked in on me while I was watching porn.
In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel. As my wife walks out again she says: "you should stay on the porn channel… you know how to fish."
Don’t make fun of fat people with lisps…
They're thick and tired of it
Why should you just be honest to fat people?
Because if you sugarcoat the facts, they'll eat them too.
I woke up this morning to a reminder from my drunk self. Had to laugh through the hangover.
https://ift.tt/2whgf5W
Prostitute rates…NSFW
Man approaches a prostitute and asks for her rates. She replies, “ $10 for a quickie on the grass, $30 for a quickie in the car, and $50 for a sensual girlfriend experience at a hotel.” The man says, “ok, heres $50.” The prostitute say, “ ok cool, i see you a man of class!” The man then replies, “ class my ass, i want it 5 times on the grass!”
I got lead poisoning from a Dr. Pepper knock-off
I guess I shouldn’t drink Mr. Pb again
Someone complimented me from Sweden. I said…
That’s Swede of you
Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?
The Second-Hand Store.
I call my horse Mayo.
Sometimes Mayo neighs.
Why do younever buy a pair of shoes from a drug dealer?
Because you don't know what he laces them with and you'll be tripping all day.
Looking for hot singles in your area? Or maybe tens or twenties?
Check out Tender!
What did a cannibal get for being late for dinner?
a cold shoulder
What’s that Italian dessert called where you pour espresso coffee over ice cream?
Everyone I ask can't remember either.
Hagrid cremates Harry Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm
"You're a blizzard, Harry"
Our couch pulls out and I gotta say it’s really nice
The last thing I need is a bunch of baby couches running around the place
Four Catholic Men and a Catholic Woman Were Having Coffee in St. Peter’s Square.
Four Catholic Men and a Catholic Woman Were Having Coffee in St. Peter's Square. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'". The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'". The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'". The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'". Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well…."? She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D – 24 – 36 When she walks into a room people say, "Jeeeeeeeeeesssssssuuussss!"
Every morning on my way to work, the same bike comes and tries to run me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I was so bored that I memorized 6 pages of a dictionary
I learned next to nothing
My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.
She said she just can't take it any longer.
Cardi B has a sister who’s a fitness instructor…
Her name is Cardi O!
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.” “Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife. “Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?” “Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
You could be my ‘let sweety;’ but after I engaged You, You were my ‘const sweety;’ :) <3
https://ift.tt/359FZgf
Did you know that if you get really close to a lighter flame…
…it smells like burnt nose hair?
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging out of his pants. The bartender asks “Do you realize you have a steering wheel in your pants?”
The pirate replies, “ Arrrgh, it’s drivin’ me nuts!”
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. "If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?" The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk." The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says," I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth". The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound". The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door". The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door". The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But he can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
What do French people say when riding a roller coaster?
OUUUIIIIIIIIII
I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal
Elongate would be really drawn out.
I hate spelling errors!
You can mess up just two letters and your whole post is urined
Where would you find flying rabbits?
in the hare force
My girlfriend broke up with me.
So i stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back