The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest. "Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest. "It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man. "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest. "Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son," said the priest. The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?".
I keep asking what LGBTQ stands for
And I’m not getting any straight answers.
Hey girl, are you a Communist?
Because I feel an uprising in my lower classes.
13 year old me alone in my room after my mom took away my electronics
13 year old me alone in my room after my mom took away my electronics
Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
You say the punchline first
How do you ruin a joke?
We Germans might not be humorous but we will still make fun of that joke of a president
https://ift.tt/2o1O7Qg
I dig, You dig, We dig, He dig, She dig, They dig.
It's not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
How do you tell if noodles are old?
If they’re pasta expiration date.
I use to be addicted to the hokey pokey.
But then i turned myself around.
What do you call a cow in your garden?
A lawnmoower
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
3 in 5 people suffer from anxiety.
If you're one of those people, don't worry.
robin: the batmobile isnt starting!
batman: check the battery robin: whats a tery?
I had sex with my 10th grade English teacher.
So what if it took 36 years and required me to become a mortician.
By legalizing cannabis and same sex marriage, we finally interpreted the Bible correctly.
" A man who lays with another man should be stoned. " (Leviticus 20: 13)
A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes…
"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."
Once a man decided to worship a Celtic god of good fortune named Sucellus.
(This particular god carries a large hammer) Since nobody has worshipped him for millennia, the God was pleased and decided to appear before the man. God: You mortals have forgotten me for so long. I am very flattered that you thought to worship me. For that I will grant you three wishes. Man: What?! Just three? I want at least 10 wishes. God: Are you mad, mortal? Have you forgotten your place? I am offering you three, take it or leave it. Man: Ok, I'll take three but you have to give me your word. You can't backtrack on any of these. God: Do you doubt my power? I can do anything. Of course I won't backtrack. I give you my word. Man: First wish, I wish that the hammer in your hand would turn into a stick. God: (laughing) You really are insane. All the things in the whole world and you wish for this?? Ok whatever, here you go. Hammer turns into stick. Man: Now I wish that you put that stick up your arse. God: (furiously) What?!! How dare you ask for such a thing. Man:You gave me your word. This is my second wish. You have to do it. God: (hesitantly) Ok fine. Puts the stick up his arse. Man: Now dear Sucellus, are you giving me my ten wishes or you want me to turn that stick back into hammer again.
A true work question
I texted my boss, "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?" He answered, "I don't know." I replied, "I'm not coming in this morning."
What’s the difference between a velodrome and a palindrome?
For one, you have to use a bicycle. For the other, you can use a race car.
How do you tell the sex of an ant
Drop it in water. If it’s a girl: girl ant. If it’s a boy …
How much do dead batteries cost?
Nothing, they’re free of charge.
Periods are 100% normal and nothing to worry about.
But a semi colon is not; you should see a proctologist about that.
What’s a pirate’s favorite juice?
The Hi-C
A flat-earther’s greatest fear is…
Sphere itself.
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
Why did the grizzly get an F on his project?
Because he did the bear minimum.
What do antivax moms and responsible bartenders have in common?
They don’t give shots to babies.
We need to uninstall 2020 and then try reinstalling it
The current version has a nasty virus
My grandfather keeps telling us that when he dies, we should try to convert his ashes into a diamond.
That’s a lot of pressure.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxi's