Dead goofy meme
What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang the picture of Jesus.
I just need dad joke enthusiasts to know that the International Poultry Meat Congress is held in Turkey this year.
http://www.poultrymeatcongress.com
A man and his wife are at a restaurant…
The wife leaves for the bathroom and a short while later the waiter arrives. 'what would you like sir?' he asks. 'I'll have the steak, but my wife is using the restroom at the minute', the man replies. 'oh, well, do you know what she's having?' The man replies, 'well it's been about 10 minutes so I'd say a shit'
A guy could not find his wife at the mall. He approaches the hottest woman he could find.
"Excuse me miss, I can't find my wife. Can I to talk to you?" He asked her. She said "Sure, but how is that going to help finding your wife?" I said "Trust me, as soon as we start talking, she will appear out of nowhere".
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog…
I’m going to miss Stan Lee
He was a marvel
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight
The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily. So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game. The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun…."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says. This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?" The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net. He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Doctor: I can’t find out what your problem is. It could be due to excess alcohol consumption.
Me: It’s okay. I can come back when you are sober.
I spotted my ex girlfriend across the hall of the museum, but I was too self conscious to go say hello.
There was just too much history between us.
It was a difficult conversation telling my son to call me dad instead of mom now
But I wanted to be transparent.
![[legit] This year’s game will be a blow out.](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/okwf6Ov-400x275.jpg)
A guy with bad gas goes to the doctor
He says “doc, you gotta help me. I can’t stop farting. It’s the weirdest thing, they don’t smell, and there’s no sound, but they won’t stop. I’ve farted 5 times while telling you this and see, you didn’t even notice” The doc writes him a prescription and says “take this and come back in a week. A week later the guy comes back and says “Doc, those pills didn’t stop the farts. All they did was make them smell terrible. I can hardly stand it” The doctor replied “Good. Now that your sinuses are cleared up let’s work on your hearing”
How are you supposed to know its funny if the background doesn’t tell you so??
https://ift.tt/2UxT6W5
A young man named Joe bought a horse from a farmer for £250.
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse within the next few days. A couple of days later, the farmer drove up to Joe’s house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’ Joe replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’ The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve spent it already.’ Joe said, ‘Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.’ The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with it? Joe said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’ The farmer said, ‘You can’t flog a dead horse!’ Joe said, ‘Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’ A month Later, the farmer met up with Joe and asked, ‘What happened with that dead horse?’ Joe said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £5 apiece and made a profit of £2495.’ The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’ Joe said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £5 back.’
What do raspberries do when they play instruments?
They have jam sessions!
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?
He won the 'no-bell' prize."
What is a Monarchist’s least favorite type of music?
Royalty free music
My wife says if this post gets over 1000 upvotes than I can get anal.
Please upvote because I want to remove every spot from this house
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
Ah, this one got me good 😀
Where did the terminator find toilet paper?
Aisle B, back!
Schrodinger gets pulled over by the cops and they do a search of his car.
Cop: Did you know you have a dead cat in your trunk? Schrodinger: I do now.
Why was the stegosaurus such a good volleyball player?
He was really good at spiking the ball!
A snake walks into a bar…
The bartender says "How'd you do that?"
Son: Dad, don’t you think you’ve eaten enough?
Dad: Son, it's good to live life to the fullest.
One night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars and I said to myself,
“My roof has disappeared”
Say what you will about Vlad the Impaler…
…the guy knew how to make a point.
My son: The manual in the car says not to turn up the volume of the stereo to the maximum.
Me: That’s ….sound advice.
While I was at the gym, I decided to hop on a treadmill.
People started giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.
I was like, 0mg!
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
9/11 jokes are not funny
But the other 2 are
