Dead meme, too
You can mess up just two letters and your whole post is urined
Imagine how surprised he must have been.
They have two shifts.
Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said…
"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."
Wanna hear a joke about short term memory loss?
I swam for the surface instead
The rest of the letters come aughter it.
You should of seen the look on her face as i drove pasta
Fans will remember that
We recycle our material every fucking day.
I was looking for something specific
They said they wouldn’t mind if we did it the “old fashioned way” as they weren't man haters! For six months now we’ve been trying but I just don’t have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.
I said, "No, I'll have to go to the kitchen."
ME: Where are we going? Dad: To pick up our glasses from the optometrist. ME: Than What? Dad: We'll see..
I couldn’t get a straight answer.
From a well, actually
The next floor, however, is a different story.
Something bad is gonna happen, I can feel it
I know it's hard to believe, but I saw it with my own two eyes.
Her: what are you supposed to be dressed up as? Me: a walking dad joke. Her: …? Me: I'd be kind of lame.
To save his business, my butcher is trying an experimental process where he gives his cows magic mushrooms before slaughtering them.
Let's just say…the steaks are high.
They can’t get rid of their bills
Me: Well I don't know about that, but I'll give Bohemian Rhapsody a try.
He’s too self absorbed.
And dropped them at the same time which half won? Neither. It was a tie.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems: "I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said," Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.
My wife and I went out for dinner the other day. When I ordered a steak she angrily said “You really like meat huh, murderer?!”
I sighed and replied "I has been 20 years, can you please stop bringing up the time I shot your father?"
To talk to the other side
I guess I’m just black toast intolerant.
1. 2. 3.
So i stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back
Me: sipping toast why?