Dead xx
I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop
"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said. "Fuck off" he shouted back. "What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.
I removed the shell from my racing snail to make it go faster
but it just made it more sluggish.
“Doctor, I intend to not vaccinate my son. Should I take any precautions?”
“Yes. Don’t get too attached to him”.
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor the first day I was hired.
Deep down, I realized it wasn’t for me.
When asked what his favorite holiday was. Arnold Schwarzenegger replied.
"I Still Love Easter BABY!"
I got a job grooming police horses
I hate working with the fuzz… But it's a stable job.
I had a difficult, emotional talk with my 9-year-old son this morning. There was a lot of crying and “nobody wants me on their team” and “I haven’t got any friends”.
Anyway, he was very nice about it and gave me some good tips for being more sociable.
All of my friends have such expansive bucket lists.
Mine is just a little pail in comparison.
What do you call it when Batman skips out on church?
Christian Bale.
If Poly means many then…
Politics means Many Bloodsucking Insects
I was so thankful to come across a man selling his junk in the middle of the desert.
But it turned out to be a mirage sale.
I saw a man with a clock on his belt today.
I thought “What as waist of time!”.
People say the back of my head looks really nice
But I don't see it
I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know why.
Sorry this isn’t really a joke but I wanted to say thanks
I just wanted to thank everyone here. My mom has been in the hospital with the virus and being able to send her jokes from here has made her laugh (we both really like puns!) so I just wanted to thank y’all for the fun jokes you post. I know it doesn’t seem like much but it has been very nice to be able to share them with her!
My grandma told me this joke and I felt like I needed to share it.
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?" The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain that it would cause a scene at the checkout counter." "I can handle that without a problem" she replied as she picked up a six pack and headed for the checkout. The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six pack of beer. "We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "A shampoo, of sorts, if you will." Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said "The curlers are on the house."
You can’t trust constipated people
They're full of shit.
Why did the hipster fall into the lake?
He went ice skating before it was cool.
a communist joke isn‘t funny until every one gets it. …
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I drank some food coloring and I dyed a little inside.
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If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d move U
Cause you’re blocking the TV
My son said he wanted to become a pyromancer.
I told him it's much easier to woo a cake.
“Hey Dad, who invented the haircut?”
“I don’t know, but I’m sure it was some barberian.”
