There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
only a fraction of people will get this joke
Sales pitch
Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled. Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99 percent sign-up for the top GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting. The Captain decided that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Bubba's sales pitch. Bubba Joe stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000." "If you take out the supplemental GI insurance, which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month, the government pays your beneficiary $200,000." "Now," Bubba concluded, "which bunch do you think they're gonna send into combat first?"
A truck loaded with Vicks Vapour Rub crashed on the freeway today.
There was no congestion for 8 hours.
I had donkey meat for the first time.
It tasted like ass.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
What kind of grades did Tommy Wiseau get in school?
Oh, high marks
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town.
They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.” The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl. “Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25…”
My friend was fired from his lumberjack job after failing to cut down a tree 8 times…
He had exceeded the maximum number of loggin' attempts.
Politicians are like sperm
Only one in a million turn out to be a human being. Edit: I got my first silver. Thank you people <3
Wife: “Can you give the kids a talk on drugs?”
Husband: “Ok… but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high”
No carpet!
I told my contractor I didn't want carpet on the steps. He gave me a blank stair.
A haiku about corona virus
I am so bored I have too much toilet paper I need a ventilator
Viagra shipment stolen.
Cop looking for a bunch of hardened criminals.
ship the food to the dump and cut out the middleman?
ship the food to the dump and cut out the middleman?
I showed up at the weekly Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting…
…but all the seats were already taken.
What does Donald Trump’s hair and a thong have in common?
They both barely cover the asshole. EDIT: I leave this up for a few hours and 500 upvotes already?! Thanks everyone! EDIT 2: WOW! MY FIRST MEDAL EVER! THANK YOU KIND REDDIT STRANGER!
A really annoying loophole
A bus carrying many people crashed on an icy road, burst into flames, and everyone died. Upon arrival in heaven, God said, "Since you have died in a terrible way, I'll grant you one wish before I let you into heaven." The first woman, being a person always concerned on her looks, comes up to God and says "I wish to be beautiful." God grants her wish. The next person can’t decide on what to wish for, so he ends up wishing for the same thing. At this point a man at the very back of the line starts to laugh. The next couple, seeing how utterly wondrous the two have become, make their wish to become beautiful also, and the man at the end laughs even louder. One after another, the people wish for the same thing. The closer God gets to the end of the line, the harder the man laughs. When God finally reaches him, he asks "What is your wish my son?" The man says, "Make them all ugly again!"
A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog with him.
A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it's sitting in the seat next to him. He thinks it's unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it's not a distraction he won't mention it. The movie starts and pretty soon there's a funny part. The dog makes some low woofing sounds that seem like laughter. In a little while there's a sad part and the dog appears to be weeping. This continues throughout the film and the man sitting behind the dog is astounded. When the lights come up he taps the dog's owner on the shoulder and tells him, "I gotta say, and I know it sounds weird, but it seemed like your dog really enjoyed this movie." The dog owner looks at the dog and nods. "I know, it really is weird," he says, "because he absolutely hated the book."
I was visiting my cousin and he just blew through a red light …
I yelled, "Are you crazy?!" He waved me off, saying, "It's OK, my brother does it all the time." The next light was red too, and he just sailed on through again. "You're gonna get us killed," I shouted. And he again replied, "It's OK, my brother does it all the time." The next light was green, so I was feeling better, but my cousin slammed on the brakes. I asked, "Now what?" He said, "Gotta be careful, my brother might be coming the other way."
Trump walks into a bar
and lowers it
Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said…
"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."
If you boil your funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock
That's humerus.
My wife said I don’t tell her she’s pretty enough.
So I told her she's pretty enough.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight
There would be a mass confusion
My parents are the funniest people in the world
They made a joke 21 years ago and people are still laughing at it.
Could you imagine the alphabet without the letter B?
It's easy, if you make B leave.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes
But it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut.
So the doctor apologized to me for making me wait
I told him im patient
What do you call a homeless man with no porridge?
A no-porridge no-home man.