Dear Microsoft:
If you had called your search engine Bang instead of Bing, you'd have destroyed Google. What would you rather say? "I just Googled Rihanna"or "I just Banged Rihanna."
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
Made pot brownies with laxitives
Just for shits and giggles
I tried to cheer my buddy up by inviting him to a poker night after cows broke into his marijuana store and ate all his product, but he couldn’t come.
He said that the steaks were too high.
It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values. At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful young blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison. Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "…..but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you?" He said, "…Scr*w him ………give him a dollar." The blonde then blushed and said, "….But the breakfast was my idea."
I was fired from the keyboard factory
I didn't put in enough shifts
I TA a CS class, and a student put some facts in his first-quarter self-assessment…
https://ift.tt/36BV9wv
Therapist: your wife says you never buy her flowers.
Husband: to be honest, I didn’t know she sold flowers.
How did the scarecrow win an award without moving?
He was out standing in his field 👨🏻🌾
She said “choke me daddy!”
So I gave her two Popeye's biscuits and no drink.
I bought a dog from a Blacksmith the other day…
I only had him 3 hours and he made a bolt for the door.
When I was learning to drive, my driving instructor told me that I should wear a seatbelt because if I were to crash, the force could throw me out of the car.
I can’t believe that the fool thinks Star Wars is real.
I keep telling myself to quit drugs
Like I'm going to listen to a drug addict
It’s possibly not safe to drive my car right now.
But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.
Why is Waldo’s shirt striped?
Can’t be spotted
In The Matrix, Neo’s mother was good at addition
She knew how to carry The One
I got fined $50 for sneaking popcorn and a drink into the movie theater.
It's ok though, it still saved me money.
What’s the difference between The Bloods and Superman?
One gets killed by kryptonite, the other gets killed by Crips tonight.
Police have arrested a man for having sex with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.
The inspector released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."
Happy National Limerick Day!! Here’s the classic one for you if you didnt know it.
There once was man from Nantucket Who's dick was so long he could suck it He said with a grin, as he wiped off his chin If my ear were a cunt, I could fuck it.
If a woman from Cuba marries a man from Iceland
Are their children called ice cubes?
Never try to fight a dinosaur…
You’ll get Jurasskiced
Did you hear the one about the giant throwing up?
It’s all over town.
A Sheep, Drum, and Snake fall off a cliff.
Ba Dum Tss
A kid asks his mom “Mom? What is dark Humor?”
She responds: “see that man over there with no arms? Tell him to clap.” The kid replies: “but mom, I’m blind!” Mom: “Exactly.”
What did the tectonic plate say when it bumped into another tectonic plate?
Sorry, that's my fault.
Courtesy of whoever did this originally. I saw the question, and I took the chance.
https://ift.tt/33R4FtB
How does Yoda ask a rooster to draw a picture?
"Cock, a doodle do."
Last night I was out for a few drinks.
One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyzer tests. Because I was in a Bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from.
How do you make a pheromone?
Tell him to let your people go.
I’m tired of hearing people say that age is just a number
When it's clearly a word!
A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency
looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability. So the couple produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery. The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple's care. The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills." Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment. This time the wife explains, "Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet." The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?" The husband says, "It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon."
The Naked Hippie
This joke is one i came up with to annoy my wife. She hates it lol. A naked man walks into a tailor's shop. The tailor screams at him. "Hey, get out of my store! You can't come in here like that." The man replies, "awww, c'mon dude….cut me some slacks." The end
My wife tore a page from the dictionary and locked it in her closet.
I still don't know the hidden meaning behind it.
My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils…
But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
What do you call new innovations in knife technology?
Cutting edge tech