Debugger what?
No carpet!
I told my contractor I didn't want carpet on the steps. He gave me a blank stair.
Due to the current economic situation in the world, I’ve started a dating site for chickens…
It’s not my full-time job, I’m just doing it to make hens meet…
Why should you NEVER ask Rick Ashley for his complete collection of Pixar movies?
Because, he’s never going to give you Up! Told by Siri on my HomePod
A brother hits his sister in the eye with a pool noodle.
It was an accident but the girl gets a really nasty black eye. So the next day the girl gets to tell to all her friends about it and blames the brother. The brother doesn’t like the unwarranted attention. He goes to his father and tells him he doesn’t like his sister telling everyone he hit her. The father finds it reasonable and tells the sister not to tell people about it as it is embarrassing the brother. The next day she goes to school and the teacher notices the black eye. The teacher goes up to girl and asks if she is alright. The girl responds that she is fine. The teacher then asks how she got such a nasty black eye. The sister responds, “My father told me not to say.”
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can't tell me that's just a coincidence .
Cashier at Publix asked if we wanted the milk in a bag…
I told her to please leave it in the jug. My wife eye-rolled SO hard and then apologized to the cashier 😀 The cashier was laughing though, so I'll take the win.
What’s the difference between a Monk and a Rogue?
A Rogue will pick the lock. A Monk will just use their Ki.
Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.
They said it would be like winning the lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.
Guy wakes up in a hospital room, badly beaten within inches of his life.
The doctor is standing over him and asks him what happened. He thinks back. “I was golfing with my wife. She shanked her pink ball into a small cow pasture, just beyond the rough. I went to look for it and finally found it in a cow’s butthole. Last thing I remember is I lifted the tail and shouted ‘HONEY! This looks like yours!!!!’”
Wtf is an acronym.
No text found
I broke my finger yesterday…
… on the other hand, I'm okay.
What’s the difference between a scientist and plumber?
The way they pronounce unionized
3 dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with big smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. “First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the Coroner. “Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.” The Inspector asked, “What of the third body?” “Ah,” says the coroner, “this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning.” “Why is he smiling then?” inquires the Inspector. “Thought he was having his picture taken.
Yesterday I asked a girl out, but she told me she had a boyfriend
I responded with "I have a math test tommorow" She looked a bit confused so I said "I thought we were listing things we could cheat on."
I’m hosting a charity for men struggling to ejaculate
If you can’t come let me know
Got an ice cream for my girlfriend
Best trade i ever made.
Seeing six topless women sounds nice…
Dozen tit
I thought I dipped my tortilla chip into a bowl of cheese sauce, but it turned out to be honey mustard.
It was a queso mistaken identity.
Why was mission control so tense when NASA launched a cow into orbit?
It was a high steaks mission.
Help me out with my uni assignment by completing this survey :(
Hey old fellas of boomer. It would be great if y’all take some time to fill out this quick survey I’m conducting for my uni assignment. Try to make your answers long pleaseeehttps://ift.tt/3ayaejr
My wife and I are following a Ketogenic, low carb diet plan, but this morning I cheated and had a donut for breakfast.
Oddly enough, when I came clean during dinner this evening, she seemed only upset about the pastry and not at all that I had slept with another woman.
Whenever I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments of my high school days come flooding back to me.
I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
My science teachers response whenever I fill up a cup of water with no safety goggles
https://ift.tt/3b9An9b
How many cops does it take to push a black guy down the stairs?
None, he “fell”
What chemical element is symbolized by the letters Ah?
The element of surprise!
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
I went to buy 6 cans of Sprite
But I accidentally picked 7 up.
The American healthcare system is as perfect as Trump’s call with the Ukrainian President
https://ift.tt/2Cdw3Go
Can February March?
Can February March? No, but April May.
My local movie theater got robbed of $1000 yesterday…
The thieves made off with two medium cokes, a large bag of popcorn and some M&M’s.
The more suicidal people there are
The less suicidal people there are
