I was really bored, so I decided to memorize six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
Go to the animal shelter for a dog and you’re a saint.
Go to the women's shelter for a new girlfriend and everyone loses their mind.
Do not use “beef stew” as a computer password.
It is not stroganoff.
It’s easy to prevent women from eating tide pods…
…but it’s harder to deter gents
I told my friends I have a girlfriend…
They all laughed at me and told me she is isn't real. Well Jokes on them because neither are they
My wife texted me: “Why are you typing everything in lowercase?”
Me: i stopped giving a shift.
Do you know why Jesus loves Donuts?
Because theyre not self-centered.
How does a scientist freshen their breath?
With experi-mints!
I started to let Jesus take the wheel, but then I remembered…
that motherfucker ain’t afraid to die.
What’s the definition of a will?
Come on guys, it's a dead giveaway.
I got the words jacuzzi and yakuza confused.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Where do I store all of my dad jokes?
In my dad•a•base
I just finished reading “Twenty Thousand Leagues under the Sea.”
The entire novel was a sub-plot.
What’s an extreme sport?
Doing your homework while the teacher is marking it
My girlfriend accused me of cheating
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmation.
It was the least I could have done for him.
My girlfriend is cheating on me with a doctor.
Yesterday, I found out my girlfriend is cheating on me with the primary doctor at her hospital. So from now on, I’ll be giving her an apple for lunch everyday. That oughta do the trick.
Dad what is Mozart doing now?
He is de-composing.
Someone once told me I had a nice-ass shirt.
I told them that they can just call it pants.
I once had a conversation with a dolphin.
We just clicked.
If anyone says you have to work 365 days in 2020 in order to succeed, they don’t have your best interests in mind and is preaching toxic hustle culture
You need to work 366 days cause it’s a leap year
I lost my job at the bank my very first day
A woman asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over
I went to a premature ejaculator’s support group today.
Turns out I came early.
Why was the stegosaurus such a good volleyball player?
He was really good at spiking the ball!
A man walks into a bar…
… and says to the bartender “I’ll take a whiskey coke please.” The bartender says “no worries I have just the thing.” And sets an apple on the counter. The man, baffled, asks “what the hell is this, I wanted a whiskey coke.” The bartender says “take a bite.” The man takes a bite of the apple “wow this tastes just like whiskey!” Bartender “Turn it around.” The man turns the apple around and takes another bite, he exclaims “wow this tastes just like coke! I’m gonna eat these all night!” A little while later a 2nd man walks up to the bar and asks for a gin and tonic. The bartender says “no worries I have just the thing.” And sets an apple on the counter. The 2nd man says “what is this? I don’t want an apple!” The bartender tells him to take a bite. He does and then exclaims “wow this tastes just like gin!” Bartender says “turn it around.” The man turns it around and is amazed that it tastes like tonic water. “Wow I’m going to eat these all night!” Finally, a while later a 3rd man walks into the bar visibly drunk. The bartender asks what he would like to drink. The 3rd man says “Man I don’t want a drink, all I really want is to eat some pussy.” The bartender says “Oh don’t worry I have just the thing.” And sets an apple on the counter. The 3rd man extremely confused says “what is this for?” The bartender says “Take a bite.” The 3rd man takes a big bite of the apple, makes a horrified face and yells “WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS! IT TASTES LIKE SHIT!!!” The bartender, along with the two men at the bar say in unison “Turn it around.”
I’m so good at sleeping
I could do it with my eyes closed
I wanted to write a movie script about a retired CIA agent who has to rely on his old skills to save his kidnapped daughter, but that idea was taken.
So I thought instead I'd write a script about a retired CIA operative who is taken hostage along with his wife in Instanbul, but that idea was taken, too.
What do you call an Elephant that doesn’t matter?
Irrelephant.
What’s a happy cowboy’s favorite candy?
Jolly ranchers
I used to be addicted to soap
But I'm clean now
There are more intersex people than trans people in America, link in comments
There are more intersex people than trans people in America, link in comments
Anyone hear about the Mexican train bomber?
They say he had loco motives.
On which side do chickens have the most feathers…
The outside.
Did you hear about the transgender vegan?
He was a herbefor
I Didn’t Drop the Soap
No text found
Why couldn‘t the bike stand up by itself?
It was two tired
A locksmith had to testify in court recently
He was the key witness