Thog don’t care
This is a reference to the Descartes quote "I think, therefore I am." But if I had explained that earlier, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.
Apparently I’ve been looking for love in Alderaan places.
What if like a ladybug got all dusty and stopped flying and became a Potatoe bug?
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy. "Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife." "That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit." "That'll be me then," said Paddy.
My son asked me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I laughed, “That’s Superman!”
He replied, “Thanks dad! I’ve been practicing a lot!"
I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
She was a mathemachicken.
Nobody has heard of herbivore
I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?" She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."
From the well, actually.
And that’s how I lost my job as a bus driver
Look for the fresh prints.
he won the no-bell prize!
"What? We should only have 37!" I replied. "I know" he said, "I rounded them up".
What a shit way to start a game of Scrabble.
He said he couldn't complain.
My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The ‘T’ shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!” My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!” Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove, Her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?” She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.”
One day in a school room: The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.” Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see The Grand Canyon and I was fascinated.” The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.” Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher, being a little hesitant on account of she had been burned by Little Johnny before, finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him. Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!” The teacher sat down and cried.
Instead of going to the beach, many mathematicians are dividing the opposite side of a right triangle over the adjacent side
They say it's a better way to get a tan.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia…
Because it saw the salad dressing!
But China got it right off the bat.
She wanted to see the task manager.
Alien Vs Predator
Steve: "I wish I was rich!" Genie: "Okay, what's your next wish?" Rich: "I wish I had lots of money!"
I don't know why. I just took a few days off.
My life is a joke.
It's a step-by-step guide.
After letting out a trumpet of a fart my toddler stopped, gasped and said, “did you just hear that elephant?”
She's going too be a great dad someday.
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”
Near Mint Condition!!!
Me: I have no idea what he's for.
Unless you’re prepared to handle the reaper cushions.
He sent in ten puns, hoping at least one would win, but sadly, no pun in ten did.
Best Buy employee: a cord? Me: no it's a Civic.
But it's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.