Debugging at it’s finest
I just saw a documentary on beavers.
Best dam show I've ever seen.
The invention of the shovel wasn’t good
it was groundbreaking
Waited months for new kitchen and lorry capsized less than 300yatds from my home
https://ift.tt/2Wr1S9G
When President Trump said he would deliver more jobs than any other president…
I didn't realize he'd do it by constantly hiring replacement White House senior staff.
I got a job as a bullet…
I was fired immediately.
My son asked me: Dad did you get shot in the army?
No son. I got shot in the leggy
I just found an origami porn channel
but it's paper view.
“Judge, I want to contest 60% of my parking tickets!”
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. I want to contest 3/5 of my parking tickets!
Why does Norway put barcodes on their ships?
So they can scan-di-navian
Son: “Hey Dad, how does a sundial work?”
*Dad hands Son a phone* Dad: "Ok, now just call someone." Son: "Why can't you do it?" Dad: "Because that would be a daddial."
My mum said ” A way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
Good lady; awful surgeon.
What did the lesbian vampire say to her date?
I’ll see you next month
My wife and I had no idea what happiness meant until we had kids.
But by then, it was too late.
Two wives went out for girls’ night.
Both got drunk, started walking home and had to go to the bathroom. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties and the other grabbed a wreath off a grave. The next morning, one husband calls the other and says, "No more girls' night out. My wife came back with no panties." "You think you have it bad?", says the other, "Mine came back with a card stuck in her crack that read from all of us at the fire station... we will never forget you."
Why did the turtle retire and move to the south pole?
He couldn't handle any more hare-racing adventures
Rosy and Sunday school
Rosy goes to Sunday school every week, but falls asleep every class! One day, to “inadvertently” call her out on it, the teacher calls on Rosy and asks this question: “Who created the universe as we know it to be?” At this point, to just have a laugh, Rosy’s friend, Adam, sitting behind her, pokes her in the butt with a thumb tack! Rosy wakes up in a frazzle, “GOD ALMIGHTY!” The teacher says “yes, correct.” Rosy, still confused after being rudely awoken, is asked another question: “What was the name of Gods son?” Adam, giggling wildly to himself, pokes Rosy in the butt again! Rosy screeches out “JESUS CHRIST!” The teacher says “yes, correct.” Finally, the teacher asks what she believes to be an impossible question: “What did Eve say to Adam after having their 43rd child?” Adam, triumphantly, drives the thumbtack into Rosy’s backside yet again to then hear Rosy yell out “Oh for fucks sake Adam, if you stick that thing in me one more time I’ll snap it in two!”
Someone once told me a story about screws, nuts and bolts.
It was Riveting.
I taught a wolf how to meditate
Now he’s Aware Wolf!
Why are Americans so stupid?
Because we shoot the ones who go to school.
Diarrhea is hereditary.
Because it runs in your jeans.
This cancer game is easy
i'm already on stage 4
What does Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common?
You have to be asleep or they can't come.
Unfortunately my dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday
He buried someone in the wrong hole. It was a grave mistake.
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.
We all know where the Big Apple is…
But does anyone know where the Minneapolis?
What do you call an evil Muslim?
Muhahahahahahammed
I was getting a prostate exam and it hurt like hell.
I asked “doc, could you take off your ring?” He said “that’s not my ring, that’s my watch.”
Do you know where the first bovine astronauts landed?
The mooooooooon
Whose design makes it look as though they reek of urine and egg farts? This cunts…
https://ift.tt/2wlcxbF
My boss asked me if I could perform under pressure.
I said no but I do I a pretty good bohemian rhapsody.
Why did the chicken go to KFC?
To see a chicken strip.
What do you call smart person in America?
A tourist.
If smoking marijuana causes short-term memory loss
What does smoking marijuana do?
A heartless drill instructor screamed at his platoon for over an hour.
He got in the face of a private and yelled, “I bet when I die you’ll show up at my grave and spit on it!” “Not me,” the private said. “After I get out of the army I’m never standing in a line again.”
I thought my dad spent all his savings on an expensive wig.
But one look and I realised it was a small price toupee.
A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver’s license and registration.
When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit. He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?” She responds "I'll bet you $100 you can't guess the answer to that question" as she slaps a crisp bill on her dashboard. The cop rubs his chin and thinks for a moment and then says " OK lady, I'll take that bet." He guesses that she has a .38 Special in her purse. And a .45 in her glove box. And a 9mm Glock in the center console. And a shotgun in the trunk. “However did you guess that young man?" The old lady says grasping her pearls. "You see ma'am," the cop said snatching up the hundred-dollar bill, "This is Reddit. After I read about you on the third repost, I knew I'd find you soon enough."
In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.
God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.” With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains. “That’s true,” says God. “So what happened?” she asks. God shrugs. “I didn’t recognize you.”