A guy goes over to his new girlfriends house for dinner with her family. Unfortunately he has severe gas…
He is fighting to hold it in while they all eat. Unable to hold it in anymore he lets out a fart and the grandma shouts “Rover!” He realizes the dog is sitting next to him and is relieved that the dog is being blamed. So naturally he lets out another one and this time the father shouts “Rover!” Satisfied with the cover up of the dog being blamed he rips his biggest fart yet, this time the mother shouts “Rover! Get over here before that man shits all over you!”
Where do Captain Hook and Darth Vader shop?
The second hand store.
TIL the Reverse Cowgirl position is frowned upon in West Virginia.
It just ain't right turning your back on family.
I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.
Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.
What do call a man with no body and just a nose?
Nobody nose
Life is like a box of chocolates
It doesn’t last long for fat people.
I’m a man that knows my boundaries.
5 feet by 9 feet , unless the guards let me have a walk around.
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal.
China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.
If I had 50 cents for every time I failed a math test,
I'd have $7.20 right now.
For me, sex is like a game
Single player
What did one plate say to the other?
Lunch is on me
I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian.
I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.
I finally cut ties with someone who was dragging me down.
Mountain climbing with a friend is hard.
Did you know?
When a short person waves at you, it's called a microwave
Me: As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to feel that 60 is the new 30.
Policeman: I don't care what you "feel", buster, 30 is the speed limit!
I walked in the lounge to find my wife breastfeeding our son.
“How long do you have to do that for?” I asked. “When is he too old for it?” “Well, it’s a physical bond between a mother and her child isn’t it? It’s only the society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age.” “Yeah, shut up Joe – I was talking to your mother.”
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.
They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.' The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness. 'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?' 'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'
Who can drink two liters of gasoline?
Jerry can!
A one-man police department was disbanded. The chief left the town meeting in his underwear
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I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday
I guess I wasn’t putting in enough shifts
A husband came home with half gallon a of ice cream
and asked his wife if she wanted some. "How hard is it?" she asked. "About as hard as my dick," he replied. "Pour me some."
Nice Dad
Father: Son, I donated all your toys to the children's home. Son: Why did you do that? Father: So you will not be bored there.
Think I might sell all my John Lennon memorabilia on ebay.
Imagine all the Paypal…
If you slap Dwayne Johnson’s ass
You hit rock bottom
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick
Seriously, how low can you go?
Teenage daughter asked “When is that new Elton John movie coming out?”
I replied "I think it's gonna be a long, long time"
A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine…
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. “Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope.” The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. “Son I’m changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes.” The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He’s cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. “Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters.” The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. “Hey there,” says the recruit. “is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven’t kept one position for more than 15 minutes!” The crewman says “Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts.”
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
He didn't want to be spotted
Upper, lower class too and for girls too ! You better understand the template
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