What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
Do you know how to spot clickbait?
Obviously not
Distinctly possible it is
You ever wonder if the reason Star Wars movies came out the order they came out was because Yoda was in charge of the release dates?
Why do guys always give their jacket to girls when they’re cold?
Because no one wants a blowjob from a girl when her teeth are chattering.
When you have studied too much organic chemistry the past days and get this advertisement email
https://ift.tt/35x0iF1
My daughter pointed at a spear and said “daddy look it’s sharp”
I replied with “that’s the point”
A man and his girlfriend check into a hotel.
“I don’t know why, but I’m afraid that this room might be bugged with hearing devices.” the girlfriend tells her boyfriend. “That’s crazy, there’s nothing to be worried about.” the man replies. The girl insists, so he starts to search the room. He looks in all of the drawers, under the TV, and behind the curtains. When he pulls the rug up, to his utter disbelief, he finds a suspicious looking disc. “Wow, you might be right!” the man says as he unscrews the disc from the floor. The next morning, they head to the front desk to check out of their room. “You guys must’ve had a good time last night” the clerk says laughing. Angry and confused, the man asks “AND HOW WOULD YOU KNOW THAT?!” The clerk replies “Well, on the floor below you, the entire chandelier came down.”
Juan arrives at the Mexico/US border
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on a bicycle. He's got 2 large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan. The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analysed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on the bicycle. This sequence of events if repeated every day for 3 years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico by coincidence. "Hey buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about and I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
A brother asks his sister to marry him…
She replies, "if you incest".
A lady dies and goes to heaven. She arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by Saint Peter.
There are a few people waiting, so she strikes up a conversation with him. Just then, she hears a blood curdling scream! “What was that?” she asks. “Oh, don’t worry about that,” says Saint Peter, “It’s just someone getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their halo.” A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, this one even more terrible than the one before. “What was that?!” she asked anxiously. “Oh ,don’t worry,” says Saint Peter soothingly, “It’s just someone getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their wings.” The lady starts to back away. “Where are you going?” asks Saint Peter. “I think I’ll go downstairs, if it’s all the same to you,” says the lady. “But you can’t go there,” says the saint, “You’ll be raped and sodomized!” “It’s OK,” says the lady, “I’ve already got the holes for that.”
Where do drunk sea flowers go?
Alcoholics Anemones
What kind of bees make milk?
Boobees
I was driving on the highway with my wife, and she said, “Hey, you missed a right!”
I said, “Thanks babe. You MRS. Right.”
Did you hear about the lumberjack who got a promotion?
Now he's a branch manager.
The other day I was asking the bartender for the WiFi password
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Every morning, I find that somebody has quietly put a bunch of celery on my front door step.
I think I’m being stalked.
A naked woman robbed a bank
Nobody could remember her face
Corduroy pillowcases are back in the news…
They’re making all the headlines…
What do you call a Mexican standoff with only 2 people?
A Juan on Juan
You’re riding a horse full speed. There’s a giraffe next to you and a lion chasing you, what do you do?
Get your drunk ass off the carousel.
My drug test came back negative
My dealer sure has some explaining to do..
Why was the gambler on edge when working at a BBQ restaurant?
Whenever a waiter picked up a meat platter, they raised the steaks.
Why is 10 always afraid?
Because he was in the middle of 9/11
I used to be addicted to soap,
but I'm clean now.
What’s the difference between an asteroid and a meatball?
One is meteor ☄️
My relationship with my girlfriend is quite complex.
I'm the real part.
A man is staggering home drunk after last call. A policeman sees the man stumbling around and asks where he’s going.
“I’m heading to a lecture,” the man slurs in response. “A lecture?” the skeptical cop responds. “Who would be giving a lecture at this time of the night?” “My wife,” the drunk man answers.
I discovered this new drug that makes you indifferent to the world…
It's called Crystal Meh.
I always encourage everyone I know to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. “My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy.” The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy’s nervousness builds, but he then asks:
"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"