A guy with a gun enters a bar.
"Who the fuck had sex with my wife? he snarled angrily A voice was hears in the background, "You don't have enough bullets mate!"
My mom was telling dadjokes
He laughed
“How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, 'Ribbit, ribbit' and a horny toad says, 'Rub it, rub it.'"
“Everything left of Reagan is Communism” – What a magat at work actually told me on Friday.
https://ift.tt/2PNG3Og
(NSFL) What’s the difference between a homeless woman and a hockey player?
A hockey player showers after three periods.
Why didn’t the Mexican archer fire his bow?
He didn’t habanero
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!”
I said, "People who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer!"
I wanted to become a doctor…
But, I just didn't have the patients…
I got fired when I asked a customer if he preferred smoking or non smoking.
Apparently the correct terms are "cremation" and "burial".
Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer?
All that time, and nothing to chauffeur it…
My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.
She said she just can't take it any longer.
Why do blind people hate skydiving?
Because it scares the shit out of their dogs.
My ex girlfriend was obsessed with trying to find the largest known prime number.
I wonder what she is up to now.
My mother once told me I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti.
You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.
I used to really enjoy political jokes…
Unfortunately, too many of them got elected…
Females are just males…
but with more iron.
So my name is William
And my soccer coach in 7th grade asks me: Do you they call you Will or Bill? Me: They call me both. Coach: Okay, Both, nice to meet you. I'm 42 years old, and that man's son still calls me "Both" to this day.
The wife and I decided we don’t want children.
We're telling them tomorrow.
There is a horse. The horse says “I don’t think.” and disappears.
This is a reference to the Descartes quote "I think, therefore I am." But if I had explained that earlier, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.
What do you call someone who cusses but it nice about it?
A good swearitan.
Our pet duck keeps biting everyone, so I bought a cheap muzzle for it.
Nothing flashy, but it fits the bill.
My korean friend died last week
So Yung
Why are students prohibited from playing Fortnite during school?
It would be really hard to tell where the gunshots are coming from
My social life is like the square root of -100
A solid 10, but also imaginary.
I HAD A DREAM LAST NIGHT THAT I KNIGHTED AN ELECTRIC FISH…..
IT WAS SIR EEL
There is a mysterious crime spree going on at our local IKEA.
The cops are having a hard time putting the pieces together.
My wife just accused me of having zero empathy.
I just don’t understand why she feels that way.
Why aren’t porcupines allowed to become bartenders?
They always spike the drinks.
My friends star sign was cancer and it was quite ironic how he died really
He was attacked by a giant crab
My friend lost his job at the dairy farm because of his erratic behaviour.
He was a danger to himself and udders.
A canibal shows up late to a dinner
He ended up getting the cold shoulder
My new business failed miserably, I was selling T-shirts featuring glow in the dark dollar bills
But then my Dad reminded me: money doesn’t glow on tees.