What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?
Fat. You get fat. What? Like I would make a pie joke on my cake day?
If a blind girl tells you your dick is the biggest she’s ever felt
She's probably pulling your leg.
Nobody likes my joke about paper
It's tearable
Why are Canadians always over qualified for jobs in the US?
Because zero degrees in Canada is the same as 32 in the States.
I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes
it's all about raisin awareness
In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack.
Those damn moose limbs.
My friend went completely bald years ago, but he still carries a comb with him.
He just canโt part with it.
If a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment.
When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.50 a minute.
Medusa is so hot
Every time I look at her Iโm rock hard
My sister wonโt let me hold her baby anymore…
Last time I held my sisterโs baby, I dropped it. It wasnโt even a big deal, but she started freaking out. It was an accident! Just an accident, no big deal. What happened was, after I was holding the baby and I inevitably dropped it, we start arguing and sheโs overreacting big time. She called the cops, said I did it on purpose, blah blah of course all the while Iโm denying it. Sheโs all red in the face screaming at me But my real question is, who brings a baby to the Grand Canyon? Nah Iโm just kidding, my sister doesnโt have kids Anymore
My dad died last year when my family couldnโt remember his blood type for the blood transfusion
As he was dying he kept insisting โbe positiveโbut itโs hard without him.
A-merry-ca ‘ristmas, reddit
from all of US!
At first I disliked parasites
But later on they grew on me
6 out of 7 Dwarves are not Happy
No text found
What do podiums like to sing?
I'm a dais, I'm a DAIS! I'm a DAIS!
I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember aren’t the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months……
Whoever fucked this up should be stabbed! Edit: Thank you everyone for the awards!
Kid: Whatโre you eating, dad? Dad: Well, letโs see… whole grains, mashed fruit and bean paste. Kid: Ewwwwwww!
Dad: Whatโs wrong? I thought you loved peanut butter and jelly sandwiches!
Congratulations, r/Jokes! You are now featured as the most eco friendly subreddit of 2019!
Why? Because everything here is recycled. To everyone on r/Jokes, thank you so much for doing your part in saving the environment!
As a child, I was abused by mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
The creator of the throat lozenge has died.
There will be no coffin at his funeral.
My Math teacher told me 0! = 1
But my computer teacher told me 0 != 1
I caught a really bad case of the flu in Madrid.
Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help. "Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!" The doctor strolled into the room within seconds, and whilst I stuttered and tried to comprehend the situation, he gave me some medicine to ease the symptoms. When I finally stammered out "h…how does the hotel have their own doctor on call?", he simply shook his head and cracked a smile, and replied: "Nobody expects the Spanish inn physician."
A dick has a sad life.
His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his best friend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.
I was mugged by 6 dwarves last night.
Not Happy.
To be frank,
I'd have to change my name
So I decided to build a Restaurant on the moon
The food is great and all but there's no atmosphere.
My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The โTโ shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, โYouโve got to make love to me this very moment!โ My eyes lit up and I thought, โI am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!โ Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, โThanks,โ and returned to the stove, Her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, โWhat was that all about?โ She explained, โThe egg timerโs broken.โ
I was so bored that I memorized 6 pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
My dad didnโt love me as a child, but I donโt really blame him.
I wasnโt born until he was an adult.
A German walks into a bar
and says, "can I have a martini please?" "Dry?" "No, just one."
What do you call a man who doesnโt fart in public?
A private tutor.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger
Then it hit me
What do you call a cow with a twitch?
Beef jerky
What do you call a deaf man…
Whatever you want, he canโt hear you.
I don’t often tell Dad jokes.
It's because I haven't seen him in 15 years.
Two cows standing in a field, one says to the other “you worried about that mad cow disease?”
The other cow says "no I'm a penguin"