Three girls, a blonde, a readhead and a brunette, are having lunch break together…
The brunette opens her lunchbox and sighs:"My husband is so kind, he prepares my lunch every day but… Again a tuna sandwich?" The readhead opens hers and sighs too:"Crap, tuna sandwich for me too… Again!" The blonde opens hers and goes:"Guess what? I got the same too…" The next day, they have lunch together and again they eat tuna sandwiches. And the next day again, and again and again, till when the brunette girl can't take it anymore and says: "That's it! If I have to eat a tuna sandwich one more time I swear I throw myself out of the window!" The other two agree. She opens the lunchbox, finds a tuna sandwich and jumps off to her death. The readhead opens hers, finds a tuna sandwich and throws herself off. The blonde opens hers, finds a tuna sandwich as well, and off she goes. The next day, the three husbands are at the funeral of the three girls, shocked and desperate. The brunette's husband says: "She could have told me she was sick of tuna sandwiches… How could I have expected…". The readhead's husband too goes: "I though she loved tuna…why, why couldn't she just asked for an other lunch?". The blonde's husband is shocked. In disbelief he mumbles:" I just don't understand… She prepared her own meals!"
How come the stadium got hot after the game?
Because all of the fans left.
I had to break up with my boyfriend after he lost his feet in an accident…
Because I'm lack-toes intolerant.
Guys who try to pick up girls through Reddit are pathetic
Ladies if you agree with me message me your number and we can discuss it more. Maybe over dinner or a movie or something.
My mate keeps buying cars
Heβs got car owner virus
What did the sperm donor say when he had to cancel his appointment?
β I canβt come.
Have you guys heard about these new corduroy pillowcases?
They're really making headlines!
Did you know that Diarrhea is genetic?
It runs in the jeans
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?
One. Theyβre efficient and not very funny.
You got to hand it to short people
They probably can't reach it anyways
I just made love to my girlfriend.
She asked, βIf I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?β I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet. βWellβ I said, βIf he can get out of that, weβll call him Houdiniβ.
Driving past a farm, I said to the kids, “Those are expert horses…”
"… They're out standing in their field."
A linguistics professor says during a lecture….
βIn English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.β But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, βYeah, right.β
What does 6.9 mean?
Just another good thing ruined by a period.
Pinocchio, Snow white, and Superman
Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a little stroll in town one afternoon enjoying the sunshine. As they walked, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world." "I am entering!" said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya go?" "I won First Place!," said Snow White. They continue walking and they see another sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world." "I'm entering" says Superman. After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?" "I won first place too." answers Superman. "Did you ever have a doubt?" They continue walking when they see a third sign: "Contest – Who is the greatest liar in the world?" Pinocchio quickly enters the contest. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes. "What happened?" they asked. "Who the hell is Donald Trump ?" asked Pinocchio.
Why is 1 = 0
cos 0 = 1
A television newslady is interviewing a horse that can tell whether a person is a homosexual or not. “Am I homosexual?” Asked the newslady. “Neigh,” said the horse.
The newslady turns to the camera and says, "you heard it folks. 'Straight' from the horses mouth."
I lost a drinking buddy to a tragic accident,
He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.
What do you call a cardigan that you don’t wear anymore?
A Discardigan.
Couples Therapist: So, tell me what brings you here today?
Her: Itβs really difficult to live with him. He is so literal. Me: My truck.
What do you call Batman when he is injured?
Bruised Wayne
Three women are sitting at a bar arguing over who has the biggest vagina.
The first girl says, βMy boyfriend can fit a whole fist up there.β The second girl says, βHa, my boyfriend can fit two fists and a foot.β The third girl just smiles as she slides down the bar stool.
I refuse to insult someone by saying that they have mental issues
Only retards do that
I met this girl at the vegan restaurant who said she knew me.
But I never met herbivore.
Her: Do you think our kids are spoiled?
Me: No. I think most of them smell that way.
Did you hear about the mechanic that was caught having sex with car parts?
He got off with a suspension.
Donβt spell part backwards
Itβs a trap
My wife tore a page from the dictionary and locked it in her closet.
I still don't know the hidden meaning behind it.