There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair,
until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting. He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.” “What I want you to do,” the man continued, “is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.” So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
I was addicted to masturbating, now I’m addicted to sex.
It’s really gotten out of hand.
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.
The Minotaur is really stubborn….
You can say he's bull-headed.
What’s the difference between a step stool and a 3D printer?
The former is a latter and the latter is a former.
Punguins
/r/puns/comments/gm62au/heard_of_the_extinct_species_that_used_to_cohabit/
A roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says…
"Five beers please."
How can you tell a chemist from a plumber without seeing them?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
My son asked me, “Dad, what are condoms used for?”
Me: Usually to avoid answering such questions.
If you’re ever feeling lonely, just remember…
Every day is a date.
I wasn’t sure that Netflix would ever find success producing their own content. Then again…
Stranger Things have happened.
A 60 year old billionaire marries a hot 24 year old…
During the wedding party, his friends ask him, “How’d you land someone that young?” “It’s simple,” said the billionaire, “I faked my age!” “I mean, I’m 43, and there’s no way I could land her!”, a friend exclaims. “What age did you tell her you were?” Smiling mischievously, the billionaire responds, “85 years old.”
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
GLOVES! Nah, just kidding… He still hasn't unwrapped his present.
I just watched a program about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing
this is as close as I could get.
Sex is like math
You add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and pray you don't multiply
The Fast and The Furious 10 title should be dedicated to Paul Walker
Fast 10: Your Seatbelts
As a child i was molested by mimes
They did unspeakable things to me.
If Wonder Woman walks around aimlessly, she is
Wander Woman.
I was telling jokes about nuts and bolts
But then I screwed up.
Three warriors and a female troll enter the Colosseum.
The first, wielding a sword, attacked the massive lady-beast head on but was quickly dispatched. The 2nd, wielding a flail was picked up and thrown across the arena like a toy. The 3rd warrior knew he could not defeat the troll by conventional means and with that, he charged at the troll as fast as he could, slid between her thighs and aggressively performed oral sex on her. The crowd cheered as the trolls knees buckled and her body shivered. The other two warriors brushed themselves off and ran over to provide aid but found that the troll had been rendered defenseless. The first warrior watched the crowd and then began to shout: "We are warriors!" "We are heroes!" And as he looked upon the 3rd warrior wiping his chin with his sleeve, he smiled and shouted: "But above all! WE ARE GLADIATOR!"
I quit my job as a postman the first day right after they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”
A priest, a lawyer and a rabbi walk into a bar
The bartender asks "Is this a joke?"
From my 9yo. How do you tell someone was cutting wood?
You saw-dust. (There were exaggerated winks after. And a elbow to the ribs. It was glorious)
My friend claims he can print a gun in using his 3D printer…
But I'm not impressed, I've had a canon printer for ages.
Q: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
A: In case he got a hole in one.
Today a clown held a door open for me.
Such a nice jester.
“Hello 911.” “What’s your emergency?” “These men won’t stop laughing.” “That’s annoying, but not a crime.”
“Wtf is manslaughter then.”
Jane always had a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.
"Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied. Jane then explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said …."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree." Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates,"you must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her as hard as he could in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed: "What the bloody hell did you do that for? "Check for squirrel." he responds
Why are Americans so stupid?
Because we shoot the ones who go to school.
The mirror told the echo…
The mirror: you should see yourself right now The echo: meh, I've heard it all before.
I know now why Trump wants to build a wall
It's been years since he managed to erect anything