Decisions decisions
What’s the difference between a good joke and
A bad joke timing
A dyslexic walks into a bra
No text found
I hate it when people call their girlfriend their “partner in crime”
We get it man she’s underage
Geology rocks, but Geography is where it’s at.
No text found
I found a spot of cancer on my bingo card.
But don't worry, it was B9.
My wife had a hard day at work, so I drew her a warm bath…
She didn't really appreciate the sketch and threw it away…
Teresa May dies…
Her soul arrives in heaven and she is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates. Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem: We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer." says May. "I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself: He says you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity." "But, I've already made up my mind; I want to be in Heaven." "I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts her to an elevator and she goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell. The doors open and she finds himself in the middle of a lush country house garden. Standing in front of it her dad…and thousands of other Conservatives who had helped her out over the years……. The whole of the "Right" was there. Everyone laughing…happy…casually but expensively dressed. They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at expense of the "suckers and plebs". They play a friendly game of croquet and then dine on lobster and caviar. The Devil himself comes up to May with a frosty drink, "Have a Marguerita and relax, Theresa!" "Uh, I can't drink any more, I’m watching my weight" says May, dejectedly. "This is Hell, Theresa: you can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and it just gets better from there!" May takes the drink and finds herself liking the Devil, who she thinks is a really very friendly guy who tells funny jokes and pulls hilarious nasty pranks. kind of like an Oxford undergrad. They are having such a great time that, before she realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves as May steps on the elevator and heads upward. When the elevator door reopens, she is in Heaven again and St. Peter is waiting for her. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate. So for 24 hours May is made to chill with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money, and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or mean joke among them; no fancy country seats and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor, she doesn't see anybody she knows, and she isn't even treated like someone special! Worst of all, to May, Jesus turns out to be some kind of Jewish hippie with his endless 'peace' and 'do unto others' stuff. "Whoa," she says uncomfortably to herself, "Margaret never prepared me for this!" The day done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity." With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background, May reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this – I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all – but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends." So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell. The doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste…kind of like Middlesborough. She is horrified to see all of her friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime. The Devil comes over to May and puts an arm around her shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers a shocked May, "Yesterday I was here and there was a country house and we ate lobster and caviar….drank cocktails. We lounged around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!" The Devil looks at her, smiles slyly, and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us."
What happens when frogs park illegally?
They get toad.
My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
[OC] A man was riding on a bus.
The police pulled the bus over and ordered him to get down.
The day Microsoft makes a product that doesn’t suck…
Is the day they make a vacuum cleaner.
I bought some toothpaste.
It's not your typical food sauce
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.
While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she sensually asked him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming…that was me."
I met Mick and Keith backstage. I was rude but efficient.
I flipped two stones with one bird.
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I told my dad I just met someone with one eye named john.
My dad…what was his other eye called?
So, this dude was walking down a beach and kicked a lamp, and a magic genie pops out.
The genie gives him the old "you freed me, so I will grant you a wish" thing that genies do. So the guy says "I love riding my motorcycle. I would love to ride it around the world. Can you build a highway that connects the entire world together?" The genie pauses for a moment, and with a look of disappointment tells the guy "while I am in fact a mighty powerful genie, not all wishes can be granted. A wish of that magnitude is impossible. Think of something else". The guy thinks for a moment and says "ya know what Gene? I love reading reddit. One of my favorite subreddits is r/jokes, but all that is there are reposts. Can you get some new material on there for me?" The genie replies "Ok…..so was that a two lane, or four lane highway?"
Why don’t you breed an eel with an eagle?
It’s Eeleagle
How does a lawyer stop the bleeding?
Attorney-kit.
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the “Chicken Surprise”.
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. "Please sir," says the waiter, "what did you order?" The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise…" "Ah! So sorry everyone," says the waiter, "I brought you Peeking Duck."
This is almost a checklist of boomer. If it has a laughing crying emoji it would be perfect
https://ift.tt/2t64hKV
I’ve created a new word
Plagiarism (thanks to my 11 year old for that one!)
“Knock-knock.” “Who’s there?” “Hatch.”
"Hatch who?" "Bless you!" Source: my 6yo at dinner tonight
A Saudi Prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.
The Russian tells him, "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows." "Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown." "And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to be light brown color." The prince says, "I rather like the Turkish bulls. Fine specimens indeed." "Excellent choice, your majesty. But Turkish bull is special. They is bred for royalty, like you. But if you have royal blood, you must be bonding with bull calf when young, before they change color. Or they will reject you," the Russian explains. "Well", the prince says, "I'm looking for a strong, adult bull. I'm not particularly interested in buying a calf. I rather like this big, beige bull over here." The prince attempts to pet the large Turkish bull. It sniffs his hand, shakes its head in disgust, turns around and kicks the prince with its hind legs. The prince goes flying across the room and lands in a pile of hay. "Where did you get such a horrible beast?! Why did it kick me!?" He sputters. "I told you. From Turkey." The Russian explains. "Is tan bull, can't stand a noble."
Just watched Captain America: Civil War for the first time
Couldn't get enough, so I looked out of the window to watch America: Civil War.
What happens when you crash your fancy new car?
Your Mercedes bends
I gave all of my dead batteries away today,
free of charge.
What do you call a male Mummy with a cold?
I'm not sure either. Sir Cough I guess.
I probably made over 5 forms that were just front end and had no function whatsoever
https://ift.tt/2YsLYv4
The store near me is having a sale on batteries.
If you buy two packs, they'll throw in a pack of dead ones, free of charge.
A child asked his dad,” how are coins made”.
The dad said," They are made at a mint with a press". Then the child responded," That makes cents".
There are two reasons you shouldn’t drink toilet water
Number one, and number two