Deep State Plot
The Deep State, like goblins and the ogres upset children and the feeble-minded
https://ift.tt/3d5lc23
Baby Yoda’s first word
Probably came after his second word.
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge." "I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
Here are two reasons why no one should drink toilet water.
Number 1. Number 2.
An English man and an Irish man are driving head-on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast
for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fetches a 12-year-old bottle of whiskey. He hands the bottle to the Irish man, who exclaims,'' may the Irish and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Irish man then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Englishman, who replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here!''
Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.
They said it would be like winning the lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.
I’ve been accused of plagiarism
Their words, not mine
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet
I can never understand y.
What do you call a closet full of lesbians?
A liquor cabinet.
Did you hear about the guy with a fruit fetish?
He's fucking bananas.
A man has a habit of starting every morning by breaking wind.
Of course, his wife finds this habit disgusting, and even as she asks him to stop, he only snickers, continuing the habit every morning. After one of the husband's daily bouts of morning flatulence, the woman tells him that if he continues to fart every morning, his intestines will come out of his ass. Of course, he does not believe her claim, and he gets up, as every day before. Enraged, the woman thinks of a solution. Later that day, the woman saves the intestines from the turkey that she has cooked, preparing to give her husband a proper scare. When he's fallen asleep, she puts the turkey intestines in his underwear, and when he wakes up, after delivering his usual sour flatuosity, he is horrified to feel what he presumes to be his own innards in his underwear. As the man rushes to the bathroom, holding his behind all the way, his wife smiles content, asking: "I told you that would happen!" As she hears a grunt and a slopping sound, her husband comes out of the bathroom, a satisfied grin on his face. "Yes," he says, "but thanks to God's grace and these two fingers, all is back where it should be."
People say that I’m a plagiarist
Their words, not mine.
Why did the cake go to the doctor?
It was a coughee cake.
I may have gone overboard helping my 7th grade daughter with her science project video.
https://youtu.be/22ekP1YaHVg
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar every time I have pessimistic thoughts.
It’s currently half empty.
What do you call a beehive with no exit?
Unbeelievable
A limbo champion walked into a bar.
He was disqualified.
I just finished a documentary about frogs
It was absolutely ribbiting
Who designed King Arthur’s Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.
While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him. So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. In all, he got more than 25 pictures of various women (some with clothes and some without). He then mailed them to his now-former girlfriend with the following note: "I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."
What’s the worlds saddest pizza?
"Pepperlonely"
I’ve just started reading my first ever Braille horror story.
I think that something scary is about to happen, I can feel it.
A thief pointed a knife at me and said “your money or your life”
I smiled and told him I was married, so I have no money or a life. He dropped the knife and we hugged and cried for a moment.
What do you call a lottery just for brooms?
A sweepstake.
Taking things literally
is stealing.
Why do prisoners make bad musicians?
Because they're always behind a few bars and can't find the key.
There are 6.02×10^23 guacas in a guacamole,
Which is also known as avocado’s number
I have a playlist of songs from Eminem, The Cranberries, and the Peanuts.
I named it The Trail Mix.
Catto Corleone!
Catto Corleone!
What would a boner at a funeral be called?
Mourning wood
A man asked me why my clothes were gay
I said “Cause, they came out the closet”
Do tree Poop?
A boy and his father are walking through the woods. The boys asks, "Father do trees poop?" The father looks at the boy and says "Of course, that's where #2 pencils come from."
My social life is like the square root of -100
A solid 10, but also imaginary.