Deepo
My wife told me im unable to describe my feelings
Can’t say that I‘m surprised
John Travolta was hospitalized earlier today for suspected COVID-19.
Doctors now confirm that it was only Saturday Night Fever and they assure everyone that he is Staying Alive.
What do you call a dog on a U-boat?
A subwoofer.
I got fired from the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn't putting in enough Shifts, but it was really a lack of Control. I see this as a fresh Start, I thought I would never Escape.
Doctor, I have a sexual problem.
"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore. "Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do." The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on." The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
What do you call a hen that counts her eggs?
A mathemachicken.
What weighs less than blue ?
Light blue
I tell dad jokes
Sometimes he laughs
I don’t like the word xenophobia.
It sounds so foreign.
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
OMG!!!!!! BREATHE!!!!!!!!! BREATHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why did the teddy bear say “no” to dessert?
Because she was stuffed.
They say make up sex is the best
Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up
How do you get a farm girl to like you?
A tractor.
A few days after Christmas,
a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
Is the world ready for ejaculating clocks?
I guess we'll know when the time comes.
Wife was breastfeeding..
Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in Me: yeah he is really milking it
A snail walks into a car dealership. The car salesman greets the snail politely and asks what he’s looking for. The snail says that he just wants a really fast car and the salesman shows him the ones with a high max speed…
He slaps the roof of one and says, "This is the last one that’s built for speed." The snail says, “This is perfect, but there’s one thing I want you to do first.” The car salesman was confused. “What?” The snail said, “I want you to paint a big red S on it.” The car salesman was even more confused. “Why?” Chuckling, the snail said, “So when people see me driving, they would say, ‘look at that S car go!’”
What sort of grades did Tommy Wiseau receive in school?
Oh, high marks.
Two tampons are walking down the street, which one says hi first?
Neither because they’re both stuck up cunts
You shouldn’t put orange slices in your beer.
Well, maybe once in a Blue Moon.
I held the the door open for a clown today
I thought it was a nice jester.
When Noah reached land, he threw open the ark doors and said, “Go forth and multiply”.
When all the animals cleared out, only a pair of confused looking snakes remained. “Didn’t you hear me? Go forth and multiply!” Said Noah, annoyed. “We can’t” replied one of the snakes. “We’re adders”.
What do websites and people have in common?
They both use cookies to improve their performance
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
Because Beethoven was deaf, everyone said he couldn’t be a musician.
But did he listen?
Never challenge Death to a pillow fight.
Unless you’re prepared to handle the reaper cushions.
The pessimist sees a tunnel. The optimist a light a the end of the tunnel. The realist sees a train…
The train engineer sees three idiots on the railroad tracks.
Why are Vegans considered as anti-social?
Cause they never meat-up. If there are any vegans reading this please don't start a beef.
In the Harry Potter books, Sirius Black is in his early 30’s,
… but in the movies, he look like an Oldman.
Like my silver medal did for me at the Catholympics…
…prove that you're second to nun.
I was walking back from the pub last night and found a homeless girl hidden amongst the bins.
She was filthy and smelled awful but I knew under all the grime there was a pretty girl. So I took her in and bathed her and as I towelled her down I became aroused. One thing led to another and next minute we were frantically fucking on the bathroom floor. At one point I was banging her so hard you'd have sworn she was still alive
I don’t know why i loves bad puns so much.
It’s just how eye roll i guess
How many magicians does it take to pull a rabbit out of a hat?
One. It's a trick question.
I get aroused when I erase pencil drawings
In fact, I think I'm gonna rub one out
How do you console Thanos when he’s upset?
Bruh, Just Snap out if it
