Definitely a meltdown
Did you know that diarrhea is genetic?
It runs in your jeans.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it…
…then my illegal logging business is a success. This repost has been brought to you by r/ModMurder for the means of a challenge
Amazing… she managed to point out her and her father’s amazing ineptitude in one fell swoop.
https://ift.tt/2MvvFYh
Dad! Why do my friends in Europe call me Kilometers?
Because they use the metric system there, Miles.
Handjobs [nsfw]
A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu: "Cheeseburgers: $5 Fries: $3 Handjobs: $10." He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" "Yes, I am," she replies seductively. "Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
A friend of mine was killed last night. I came here for some relief from the grief and you all helped me so I thought I’d share my favorite joke.
It's important that you use a southern accent in your mind 😉 Jim Bob and John Boy were sittin on their front porch watching their beans grow. On the road at the edge of their property they see a Volkswagen sputter to a stop. They head out to it and see a pretty woman looking at the engine and scratching her head. Jim Bob "What's the problem miss?" Lady "I don't know maybe you can tell?" Jim Bob and John Boy take a look and find the radiator hose is broken and tell her. Lady "Is there someplace nearby I can get it fixed" John Boy "The nearest place is about six miles down the road but it's after five so it's already closed." Lady "Is there a motel nearby that I can stay the night?" Jim Bob "The nearest place is about three miles down the road but our truck is broked so we can't take you there." Lady "Well can I stay at your place for the night?" John Boy "Sure but we only have one bed." Lady "That's O.K., I just need a place to stay." After dinner they went to bed, the lady in the middle started to play with their penises. As they became erect she reaches into her purse whips out a couple of condoms and hands them to Jim Bob and John Boy. Jim Bob "What are these things for?" Lady "These are so I don't get pregnant." They all have sex for a couple hours and in the morning they call the tow truck and send her on her way. About six months later Jim Bob and John Boy are sittin on their front porch watching their beans grow… Jim Bob "Do you really care if that woman gets pregnant?" John Boy "No." Jim Bob "THEN LET'S TAKE THESE THINGS OFF!" Thank again for cheering me up 🙂
I was surprised when I caught my son smoking weed upstairs…
I never imagined my house would have a drug attic.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
We went to a wedding and my drunk wife asked me what I thought of her dancing.
I said, “You are just staggering.”
There are 10 kinds of people.
Those that understand binary and those who dont.
It is humorous because the gop genuinely think trump is beloved to ALL veterans
https://ift.tt/32aFD8i
Apparently you can’t use “beef stew” as a password
It's not stroganoff
I keep asking what LGBTQ+ stands for
I never get a straight answer
I saw a homeless guy on the streets and I had 50 bucks on me…
I thought, “This’ll be wasted on drugs and booze.” So I just gave it to the homeless guy.
What’s the difference between a black dad and a boomerang?
One is an inanimate object you fucking racist.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first mathematician orders a beer The second orders half a beer "I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies "Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 "What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous." "Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along" "There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to." "But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-" "I know how limits work" interjects the bartender "Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics" "Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?" "HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade. The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA" The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!" The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish. A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?" "It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."
For protection against being called a boomer, you can now designate your generation via a user flair.
Stay safe out there.Addition sub changes:Ability to report common repostsAbility to report NSFW posts that need to be marked NSFW
A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my dog who was drowning…
After he climbed out he handed me the dog and said "here is ze dog, keep him varm and dry him off he vill be fine", I said "are you a vet?", He replied "vet? I'm fucking soaking!"
I used to like Mitch Hedberg
I still do, but I used to too
Three vampires walk into a bar.
The first vampire says to the bartender, “I’ll have a pint of blood.” The second one says “I’ll have a pint of blood also.” The third vampire says to the bartender, “I’ll have a pint of plasma.” The bartender says, “So, that will be two bloods and a blood lite?”
This morning, I accidentally made my coffee with red bull instead of water…
… I was already on the highway, when I noticed I forgot my car at home…
So sick of double standards these days.
When a dog licks his balls in public, nobody says anything. But when I do it, people yell "what are you doing to your dog, you sick fuck?"
I’m a 40 year old with the body of a 20 year old…
Any tips for burying him?
Are you a chiral carbon?
‘Cause I share a unique bond with you!
How do you console Thanos when he’s upset?
Bruh, Just Snap out if it
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
Sadly, I’ve lost 20% of my sight
Sigh…..
There are 10 types of people in the world
Those who understand Binary and those who don't.
My doctor just diagnosed me with very low blood pressure.
He prescribed two IKEA self assembly wardrobes.
Two American journalists are in London.
Two American journalists are in London attending a press convention. That evening they are in the bar chatting to fellow UK journalists when the subject of how headlines are written came up. The UK journo's commented that the Headlines in America are far too long. They need to be much shorter, and to the the point. "Interesting", said the American journ'o, "can you give us an example?" "Well", said the UK guy, "take this crime that happened yesterday, a mental patient escapes from the local funny farm, enters a laundry, rapes one of the washer women and runs off. What headline would you use?" The two thought for a moment and said." Maniac sexually assaults laundry worker and escapes". "See," Says the UK guy, "too long". "what's your headline then?", said the American. The UK guy smiles and said, "Nut screws washer and bolts".
I have to pay for a bus ticket?
I guess it's only fare
I was just attacked by a man with a rack of spices!
It was a salt and peppery.
Did you hear about the guy who made the knock knock jokes?
He won the no bell prize
A meme I made. Pay no attention to my partner in the otter room with Paint open.
A meme I made. Pay no attention to my partner in the otter room with Paint open.
My sword doesn’t weigh much
It’s my light saber
2 blind guys were about to fight
I shouted: I bet the one with the knife wins! Both started running away.