Definitely a meltdown
As a lumberjack, I know that I’ve cut exactly 8,008 trees…
…and I've got the logs to prove it!
“The 24th of December is Christmas Eve”
"No it fucking isn't, Adam."
What does the word ‘gay’ mean?
asked a son to his father. "It means 'happy,'" replied the father. "Oh," contested the son, "so are you gay, then?" "No, son, I have a wife."
A chemist froze himself at -273°C.
People asked him if he was hurt but he said he was 0K.
Cell Realignment machine allow the sick to live normal life
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sL73BOpg7G4
What do you call a person with one arm and no legs ?
By their name. Don’t be a dick.
Why is there no such thing as reverse cowgirl in Alabama?
Because you never turn your back on your own family.
Why is japan the healthiest country in the world?
Because the last time they had a fat man 80,000 people died
I really owe a lot to sidewalks.
They've been keeping me off the streets for years.
What do you call a cow with a twitch?
Beef jerky
Imm so good at sleeping
I can do it with my eyes closed
My boss told me as a security guard, it was my job to watch the office
I'm on season six, I don't know what it has to do with security though.
Where do crayons go for vacation?
Colorado
My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn’t get an erection.
I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.
I accidentally drank some food colouring yesterday…
I'm alright, but I think I dyed a little inside.
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”
He asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?” The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.” Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.” He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax, and then…..” he sighed, “we’ll put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.”
Dad: I’m giving all your toys to the orphanage
Kid: Why are you doing that? Dad: So you won't get bored there
A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.
The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4". The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4. Principal: What is 3+3? Boy: 6. Principal: 6+6. Boy: 12. The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Grade 4 immediately. The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed. Madam: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2? Boy: Legs. Madam: What is in your trousers that I don't have? Boy: Pockets. Madam: What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid? Boy: Coconut. Madam: What goes in hard & then comes out soft & sticky? The principal's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge Boy: Bubble gum. Madam: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do. Boy: Tent. The principal was looking restless. Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?. Boy: Wedding ring. Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good? Boy: Nose. Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver. Boy: Arrow. Principal: OH MY GOD. Madam: What starts with 'F' and ends wit a 'K' and if you don't get it, you have to use your hand? Boy: Fork. Madam: What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage? Boy: Surname. Principal: Ohooo! Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love? Boy: Heart. Principal: Eeeeeh! The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Madam, "Send this bloody boy to the university. I myself got all the answers wrong!"
My new girlfriend told me I’m terrible in bed
I told her it's unfair to make a judgment in less than a minute.
In Canada, you are more likely to die of a moose kick than of a terrorist attack.
Those damn mooselimbs.
I started a new job. My boss said “Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky”. I said “My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick”
She said: how do you get dick from kyle? I replied: you just ask nicely. Edit: im now looking for a new job :/
I saw an advert that read “Radio for sale, $1.00, volume stuck of full”
I thought, "I can't turn that down"
Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I'm not joking, but he is.
What is the difference between Tatooine and Hoth?
On Tatooine you can find Mos Eisley. On Hoth you’ll find ice mostly.
Why can’t Superman beat Dracula?
Because he's afraid to go into the krypt tonite!
What do you call a short mexican?
A paragraph, because hes too short to be an esse
How do you stop a fight between two blind men?
Just say you're rooting for the man with the knife.
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it
We had some drinks, cool guy, says he wants to be a web-developer
A man goes on a business trip
Eager to keep his wife out of trouble while he was away on a long business trip, a businessman went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. After browsing through the dildos for something special, he decided to ask the old guy behind the counter. The old man said "We have vibrating dildo, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except…." and he stoped. "Except what?" The man asked. "Nothing, Nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick'." The old man reached under the counter, pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbles, and opened it. There lay a very ordinary looking dildo. The buissness man laughed, and commented that it looked like every other dildo in this shop. "But you haven't seen what it'll do," said the proprietor. H pointed to a door and said, "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook, and started split down the middle, at which point the old man commanded, "Voodoo dick, back to your box!" The voodoo dick stoped, floted back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" Said the business man. The old man said it was not for sale, but finally suurendred ut for 700 dollers in cash. Plesed as punch, the business man gave his wife the gift, explaned that all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy" if she got lonely, and set off on his business trip. After a few days, the wife got unbereably horny. Feeling a little foolish, she opened the box and said tentatilvely, "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot out of the box, made a beeline for her croch, and started pumping away. It was fabulous, like nothing she'd ever experienced before, and she lay back and enjoyed the rush of pleasure. After 3 orgasms, she decided she had enough and reached to pull out the dildo. It wouldn't budge. Nothing worked. The voodoo dick was stuck, trusting away. Her husband forgot to tell her how to turn it off. Desprate, she pulled on a skirt, got in the car, and headed for the hospital, nearly fainting with exitement and exhaustion. On the way, another orgasom nearly made her swerve of the road., and to her horror a squad car pulled her over. First the policeman asked for her license. Then, observing her disheveled state, he asked how much she'd had to drink. Twiching and sweting, she gasped, "I haven't been drinking, officer. A voodoo dildo is stuck in my pussy, and it won't stop screwing!" "Sure, lady," said the officer after another long look at her. "Voodoo dick, my ass!"
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrodinger’s cat…
She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
There are 3 genders
Male Female IMAGINATION
Why do the French have small breakfasts ?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
At a wedding I whispered to a guy next to me,
"Isn't the bride a right ugly dog" "Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about" "I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''… "I'm not . . . I'm her fucking mother.
Upper, lower class too and for girls too ! You better understand the template
https://ift.tt/2AGSiqQ
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I've got two half sisters.
A guy walks into a bar…
notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?" "Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money…" The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?" "Pay first. Those are the rules," says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar. "O.K.," the bartender says. "Here's what you need to do: First, you have to drink an entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there is pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there's a 90 year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've got to make things right for her." The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then do those other things!" "Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is." As time goes on the man has a few drinks, then a few more, and he asks, "Where's zat tequila?" He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a few big slurps. Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence. Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body. "NOW," he says, "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
Serve alcohol at a party and nobody bats an eye
But serve laxatives and everybody loses their shit
My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary…
Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too…
I don’t get anti-vaxxers.
If you want a trial version of a kid why don't you borrow your friend's and babysit it instead of letting your own expire?
A guy is talking to a girl
A guy is talking to a girl : "Everytime I see your smile, I want to take you to my place" "Oh ! You think I'm pretty ?" "No, I'm a dentist."
Hagrid cremates Harry Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm
"You're a blizzard, Harry"
A man walks into a bar…
A man walks into a bar with an alligator. He call for everyone's attention, orders a beer and proceeds to put his balls in the gator's open mouth. The gator closes its mouth, the man drinks the beer and then takes the bottle and whacks the gator on the head with it real hard. The gator opens its mouth and the man shows off his unharmed balls. He looks around the bar and says, "I'll give anyone here a 100 dollars to try this." There is dead silence in the bar, when suddenly a hand goes up in the back. A blond girl comes forward and says, "I'll give it a shot, just don't hit me so hard with the bottle."
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar
Ahhh, those were the days.