Definitely funny and sad stuff here.
The pub was pretty wild last night,
Some lady got her nipple pierced. And I got banned from playing darts.
What do you call a midget party?
…a little get-together.
I walked in on my wife on the scale.
She didn't look pleased so I said "suck in your stomach!" She quickly replied, "that's not going to help" I retorted, "it might let you see the numbers"
There are three people on a boat, all smokers. They have a total of four cigarettes, but no matches. How do they manage to smoke?
They throw one of the cigarettes overboard, and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
A rabbi and a priest wanted to go for a swim at the beach, but did not have bathing suits with them…
The priest turns to the rabbi and says "why don't we just swim naked, there's no one around, and we'll keep it between ourselves". The rabbi sees no problem with the idea, and agrees. Once naked, the rabbi and the priest start walking towards the water, when suddenly out of nowhere seemingly a group of children appear on the beach. The priest quickly takes his hands and covers his penis, while the rabbi uses his hands to cover his face. Later, the priest turns to the rabbi and asks "why did you cover your face and not your penis when those kids showed up on the beach?" The rabbi responds "father, I don't know about you, but my congregation knows me by my face".
A guy gets pulled over for speeding and the officer says,
"What's your name son"? He replied. "D-d-d-dav-dav-David sir". The officer looks at him suspiciously and says, "Oh, do you have a stutter"? The guy replied, "No, my dad has a stutter, and the guy who filled out my birth certificate is an asshole".
My therapist says I’m obsessed with vengeance
I’ll show him!
A Christian, a Muslim, and an Atheist all die
A Christian, a Muslim, and an Atheist all day the same day. They all approach the pearly gates where St. Peter awaits them. St. Peter calls the first man up and asks what religion he is. “I’m a Christian” says the first man. “Very well, continue on and you will be in room 16, just be really quiet near room 8” said St. Peter The next man walks up and St. Peter asks what religion he was. “I am a Muslim” says the man “Very well, you will be in room 29, just be very quiet around room 8” replies St. Peter The third and final man walks forth and St. Peter again asks what religion he was. “I am an Atheist” answers the man “Very well, you will be in Room 56, just be very quiet around room 8” says St. Peter The man asks, “If I may, why must I be quiet around room 8?” St. Peter replies, “Room 8 is where the Catholics are, and they think they’re the only ones here”
![My highschool’s password security is on point [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/yog9620t8xe41-400x400.png)
I’m so happy I don’t drive
Especially with all this car owner virus going around
I wish I was a lost redditor
No text found
A woman in the shower hears the doorbell. “It’s the blind man”. So she answers the door naked…
"Nice bewbs! Now where do you want me to hang the blind?"
This morning a clown held the door for me.
It was a nice jester.
Where do you store dad jokes ?
In a dad-a-base
A woman steps in front of a bus and dies instantly.
She finds herself at the pearly gates, being greeted by God himself. He looks the woman up and down, and says "Hm… Strange. It's not your time! I'm sending you back." "Sending me back? How long until it IS my time?" she asks. "Worry not, my child. You have many, many more years until it is your time. You will live until the ripe old age of 108!" She's sent back to Earth and pops into her miraculously repaired body. She gets up, dusts herself off, and with a huge smile on her face immediately heads to the plastic surgeon. She proceeds to get a face lift, a tummy tuck, hair implants and more. "If I'm going to live to the old age of 108, I might as well look my best!" she happily thought. After all the surgeries and cosmetic procedures and makeovers, she looks STUNNING. Beautiful pouty lips and a tiny waist and long luscious hair. She walks out of the salon and BAM. She's hit by a bus and dies instantly. Once again, she is at the pearly gates and again, is greeted by God. "What in the world was that?!" she exclaims, "You said I was supposed to live until 108!" God looks her up and down and says "Well I didn't recognize you!" Edit: Formatting
WHAT DO WE WANT?! LOW FLYING AIRPLANE NOISES
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?! NEEEEYOOOOOOOOW
We got pulled over and the cop wanted to know if my dad knew why. “With all due respect sir,” my dad replied…
"If you forgot, I'm not going to remind you."
There are two reasons you shouldn’t drink toilet water
Number one, and number two
My book on clocks finally arrived
It’s about time!
my 7YO hit me with this one this morning
7YO: Knock knock! Me: Who's there? 7YO: Europe Me: Europe who? 7YO: (with mock outrage) I'm not a poo! you're a poo!
How do you turn a joke into a dad joke?
You make the punchline apparent.
Why did the T-Rex only sell handguns
Because he is a small arms dealer
When I was growing up, my dad always used to tell me, “The Sky’s the Limit!”
He was never supportive of my dreams of becoming an astronaut.
When is 40 bigger than 50?
XL is bigger than L
Why can’t Severus Snape be a herbology teacher?
He can’t keep the lilies alive.
A female janitor at my building asked me if i wanted to smoke some weed with her.
I politely declined- I can't deal with high maintenance women.
I’ve been shrunken down to the size of a data cell and shoved into an iPod.
It would appear I'm in a bit of a jam.
Why was the poker player’s closet messy?
Because he never wanted to fold
A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.
He's now a seasoned veteran.
If I throw jam into traffic
Is it now traffic jam
Every time my doorbell rings, my dog runs to the corner…
He's a Boxer…
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two I'm sorry…
My brother and I are on a tight deadline to make a bunch of Dracula action figures.
I have to make every second Count.
A couple was going out for the evening.
They had gotten ready, all dolled-up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives and as they start out, the dog jumps back into the house. They don't want the dog shut in, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her arse downstairs and tossed her out in the back yard. She better not shit in the vegetable garden again."
How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together
I gently slid her panties to the left…
So that I could fit the rest of the socks in the drawer
My son and I were going through the alphabet together.
I said “son, what is A for?” “Apple!” “That’s right! What is B for?” “Banana!” That’s right! What is C for?” “Explosive!”
I got pulled over by a traffic cop. He walked up to my window and said, “Papers.” I said, “Scissors, I win!” and I drove off.
He must be desperate for a re-match because he’s been chasing me for ages!
I recently found out I was colorblind
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple 😀
What’s the difference between communism and a pencil?
The pencil works on things other than paper.
