Delet This
My wife asked me “Where’d you learn to make ice cream so well?”
Me: “Sundae School.”
I think I’m done buying trash bags.
I always end up throwing them away anyways.
My friend is obsessed with taking blurry pictures of himself while taking a shower.
He has serious selfie steam issues.
“Can you make me breakfast in bed?” asked the wife.
I said, "No, I'll have to go to the kitchen."
Emojis, millennials, stick shift, and cursive? Check, check, check and check.
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The bartender says, “we don’t serve time travelers in here!”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Having children is a lot like making pancakes
The first one is always a bit weird, but you can always just eat it when no one is looking.
Dad jokes
But usually he's pretty serious
My family complains that I never talk during breakfast because I still read a newspaper.
You can say…. I’m behind The Times.
What do a girlfriend and a forklift have in common ?
If you don't have one, you have to unload by hand
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed
How could anyone stoop so low?
Why should you be worried if you see cows smoking marijuana?
Cause that's when the steaks are highest.
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor the first day I was hired.
Deep down, I realized it wasn’t for me.
A Nazi walks into a bar
A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table. Barman, he says, "A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there." As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a nasty little smile. Surprisingly the Jew nods his head and sends a warm smile back. The Nazi is somewhat miffed, as this was not the reaction he expected. So he goes back to the bar "Barman, a second round for everyone but him, and this time take it all from the top shelf" Nazi looks again at the Jew, and notices that he is STILL smiling back, and even warmer than before "Is that Jew a complete fool or what?" he asks the barman. Bartender responds: "Oh no my generous friend, that gentleman is my boss and the owner of the bar"
I have started freezing different objects at -273.15°c and blowing them up. Seeing with items reacted differently.
I call it the 0k boomer experiment.
I asked this lady if I could touch her hair
She said yes, so I ran my finger across her lip and that's how the fight started.
Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob are sitting in a bar, drinking beers.
Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take. "Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," the Dean says. "English, Math, Science, and Logic." "Logic?" Jim asks. "What the hell is that?" "Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?" Proudly, Jim responded, "Yes, I do." "Well, if you own a weed wacker, then logically speaking you own a lawn," the Dean said. "Yes, yes I do have a lawn!" "Well, if you have a lawn, then logically speaking you own a house." "Yes, yes I do have a house!" "And if you have a house, then logically speaking you have a family." "Yes, yes I do have a family!" "And if you have a family, then logically speaking you have a wife. And if you have a wife, then logically speaking you're heterosexual." "Yes, yes I do have a wife and I am heterosexual! Wow, I can't believe you found out all of that just because you knew I had a weed wacker!" Jim exclaimed. "Yeah, that's what logic is," the Dean responded. Jim excitedly went back to the bar, awaited by Bob. "Bob, I'm taking 4 classes in college. English, Math, Science, and Logic," Jim told Bob. "Logic?" Bob asks. "What the hell is that?" "Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?" "No." Jim stared at him. "You some kind of faggot, Bob?"
If you drive a Tesla, but it gets stolen…
…does that make it an Edison?
My wife is like a plunger.
She is very good in bringing up old shit.
What’s the difference between a jeweler and a prison guard?
one watches cells and one sells watches
I used to have a fear of hurdles
But I got over it.
A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.”
The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "You cannot do this, I'm a congressman!" The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"
Just got my daughter
My four year old was watching a Disney movie while I was in the kitchen. The app we use for Disney on the tv is horribly unreliable (Disney life on amazon firestick), randomly freezing or restarting whatever we're watching. Anyway, I'm scoffing a cake I don't want her to have when I hear a shout. "Daddy, the film is frozen." I go through, look at the TV and tell her "No it's not, that's Moana." I think it's the first time she's both gotten one of my jokes and appreciated how crap it is. Her eye roll and "ugh" brought a tear to my eye.
Why are graveyards so noisy?
Because of all the coffin!
None of my neighbours seems to know their router comes with modifyable settings.
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