“Delete this”
What did the shy pebble wish for?
That she was a little boulder.
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.
It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”
I once had a conversation with a dolphin.
We just clicked.
Who’s bigger, Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger’s baby?
Mr. Bigger's baby because he's a little bigger.
A Higgs-boson particle goes into a church.
The vicar says, "We don't want your sort in here!" The Higgs-boson particle says "But you can't have mass without me!"
What happened to the overconfident lion tamer?
He was consumed by his own pride
Lost Wife
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around a shopping mall when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a red halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?" The old guy says, "Doesn't matter – let's look for yours."
A man with 5 legs put on pants
They fit like a glove
I met a man standing on one leg at an ATM. I asked him what he was doing.
He said “Oh, I was just checking my balance”
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camoflauge jacket..
You can hide, but you cant run
I would tell a time travel joke,
but you didn't like it.
How does an ant put on a tie?
With a considerable deal of practice and skill and the correct combination of knots in the tie so it can properly be secured on the neck. It's an ant-tie joke.
If you stand by the sea…
…it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.
Wife to husband… Take off my heels….
He does as instructed. Wife: now take off my blouse…. He does it.. Wife : now take off my skirt…. He does it. Wife : now take off bra. He does it. Wife : now take off my panties.. He does it.. Wife : Now don't you ever wear my clothes again.
What is Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination?
HAANNDD EEYYEEEEEEEEEEE
Every day at breakfast, I announce that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.
It was my longest running joke of the year.
What’s the difference between Election day and Thanksgiving day?
On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day, but on Election day, you get a turkey for four years.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
This joke only makes sense if you follow rugby:
A Scotsman walked into a bar. There'd normally be an Englishman, Irishman, and a Welshman as well, but they're still in Japan for the Rugby World Cup.
Mystery Ink Reddit Bull, Claims Alaska Girl
Pics are expected to prove supposed underground print version of famed forum made with "disappearing ink" a hoax.
I made a website for orphans
There’s no home page
Have you ever noticed that Hasbro has cornered the entire board game industry?
I guess you can say they own a monopoly.
Three girls all had boyfriends with the same name, so in order to avoid confusion, they decided to give the boys nicknames.
The first girl said: "I call my man 7-Up." "Why do you call him that?" asked her friends. "Because he’s seven inches long and is always up." The second girl said: "I call my man Mountain Dew." "Why do you call him that?" said the other two. "Because he likes to mount me and do me!" The third girl said: "I call my man Jack Daniels." The others look at her in bewilderment and say: "Why do you call your man that? Jack Daniels is a hard liquor." "Exactly."
A woman is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in
Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror. "Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!" The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter. "You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!" The wife, concerned by the status of her husband's mental state,forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs. "WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They're going to stick! HURRY!" The wife runs to the fri- "CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL. You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh not that quickly, don't you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the EGGS!" At this point, the wife starts crying, since she has no idea what to do. She gasps, "What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs." The husband simply smiles and replies, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like while I'm driving with you in the car," and leaves.
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
I once swallowed a dictionary…
It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had…
My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday…
I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
I once asked my grandfather how he’d lived so long.
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning." I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
The other day my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I passed her glue by mistake
She still isn’t talking to me
I was robbed by 6 dwarfs today.
Not happy.