Democratic Unity!
How do you spot a blind man at a nudist beach?
it's not hard…
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun.
"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk "Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk. "Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"
A sudden blowjob woke up young Carl…
He never slept on the train with his mouth open again… -Martin Mladenov
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
I just ordered a vault and loudspeaker online
They just arrived. Safe and sound Found this on a text message from someone's actual dad
Gay people have no excuse to have a bad fashion sense
Like homie what were you doing in the closet that whole time
While Trump goes off the rails about Russians helping Sanders lets not forget.
https://ift.tt/2unJRh4
What are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday and Sunday…the rest are weekdays.
Where did the terminator find toilet paper?
Aisle B, back!
How do you tell the difference between a chemistry professor and a politician?
Just ask them to read this word: unionized.
At first I disliked parasites
But later on they grew on me
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! . Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.' The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!" She retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!" 'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '..
What does an Italian terminator say
Pasta-lavista
What’s funnier than the plague?
This week? Just about anything.
When I was a kid, my parents would always say “Excuse my french” after a swear word…
…I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.
Go to the animal shelter for a dog and you’re a saint.
Go to the women's shelter for a new girlfriend and everyone loses their mind.
Coworker dressed as Chewbacca: “This costume is too hot to work in, I’ll never do that again”
Its ok it was a wookie mistake
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin
What do you call Batman when he skips church?
Christian Bale.
I thought I dipped my tortilla chip into a bowl of cheese sauce, but it turned out to be honey mustard.
It was a queso mistaken identity.
I just found out where Captain Hook got its hook
He got it from a second-hand store
People are injecting racehorses with steroids, but the cops are finding it difficult to convict them.
Itโs like finding a needle in a haystack.
So Tekashi69 could face life in prison
Which is nice because we might finally get to see a mumble rapper completing a sentence
I just bought Spider Man pyjamas
I hope he likes them
Why are older men so good at dad jokes?
Their funny bone has groan up so theyre more humerus
You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and say, “That’s a girl’s name!” Terry shoots you.
You have died of dissin' Terry.
I’m divorcing my wife…
"I've had enough, I'm going to leave her." "Why?" "She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past mightnight and I'm fed up with it". "What's she doing?" "She's looking for me!"
I ate a clock yesterday
it was very time consuming
My girlfriend and I began having sex at 1:58AM this morning and didn’t stop until 3:01AM.
Thanks daylight savings!
Hey dad, how do you feel?
I feel with my hands. That was my dadโs go to, directly followed by: dad: can I make you a sandwich Me: sure Dad: (does magic hands) poof youโre a sandwich Itโs almost 3 years since he died. I miss his joke every damn day.