It goes through a jarring experience.
Currently staying at a hotel with my dad. Next to the parking lot there’s a sign that says “pet grounds”, pointing to where you can walk your dog. My dad reads it aloud, “pet grounds”, so I say “alright then”. I crouched down, pet the grass a little bit and said, “good grounds”. Got a good laugh out of it.
But none of them work
Because of the tele-ban
Her: Can you look upstairs? Me: I can't look up anything
Boss: Hard drive? Me: No, the commute was fine. It was my computer.
We all make fun of them, but when we’re inside one at 4am we’re glad they’re around.
I will find you. I have contacts.
But I am surprised that there are 7884 grains of rice in one pack, and 7892 in another.
So my science teacher thinks that the nucleus is the power house of the cell. Not the mitochondria. Should we rebel?
On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, “I have a confession to make. I’m not a virgin. I’ve been with one other guy.” “Oh yeah? Who was the guy?” “Tiger Woods, the golfer.” “Well, he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that.”
The couple then makes passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. "I'm hungry. I'm calling room service." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time. When they finish, he goes back to the phone. "What are you doing now?" she asks. "I'm still hungry, so I'm going to ring room service for some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it one more time." The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed. Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"
He got off with a suspension.
French guy, showing off his yacht collection: This is Un. Here is Deux, Trois, Quatre and, finally, Six.
Her: Where is the 5th? French guy: Cinq.
They prefer the term "mid-life crisis"
And I’m not getting any straight answers.
"Between you and me, something smells" (Credit to a 9 y.o. I thought it was funny)
Guy: "Ah just three more inches and I'd be KING" His wife on the bed behind him: "Three inches less and you'd be QUEEN"
He refused, because the steaks were too high.
“I’m going to guess—-around a yard.”
He's feeling much better now
so, being a fan of Undertale, i know a skeleton of skelepuns. lemme tell ya, they’re all rib ticklers.
It’s like shooting fish in apparel…
Just ask them to read this word: unionized.
A blonde cop is patrolling the highway when she sees a blonde motorist weaving in and out of traffic.
The cop pulls over the motorist and asks for her ID. Note that the motorist was wearing a pink ensemble and that the cop was in uniform when the incident happened. Cop: May I see your ID, ma'am? Motorist: What's an ID? Cop: It's a rectangle with a picture of your face on it. The motorist digs around her purse and pulls out a mirror. The cop takes it, thoroughly examines it, and hands it back to the motorist, saying: "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop!"
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs…
"Really?" she said, "Go on then…try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded "Come on, what day was I born?" “Yesterday." I replied.
And then we'll all be sorry.
Vegans rub it in your face for free.
Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife.' Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?' 'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow." ' She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.' Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.
That was when I put my foot down!
The plot thickens
Quick answers please.
Just a paramedics