denied
If you *still* don’t see the con, you’re probably one of his 62,985,134 marks
https://ift.tt/2RWnJny
Why do dogs float in water?
Because they’re good buoys
What did the grape say when it was stepped on?
Nothing…. it just let out a little wine.
My wife told me: “Sex is better on holiday.”
That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.
To the person who stole my glasses
I can still drink from the bottle.
Guy gets accidentally shot by the celebratory fire for his release from prison
https://ift.tt/2VvYDMp
When a short person waves at you….
Its called a microwave
Why is dark spelled with a k and not a c
Because you can't see in the dark
What do you call a 25 cent hooker?
A quarter pounder.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language.
Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?
"No" said her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar Bill. He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly. She then asked "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?" "No I haven't" he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation. "Now" she said "Have you ever seen 50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?" "No way" he said, becoming even more aroused and excited to which she replied: "Go look in the garage."
So this guy with premature ejaculation comes out of nowhere
That’s it… that’s the whole fucking joke.
Where does a lumberjack buy his axes?
At the “Chopping Maul.”
A dyslexic man walks into a bra
No text found
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
A ba-na-na-naaaa.
I just found out that a distant relative of mine was a cannibal and ate 3 people.
That’s a lot to digest.
I used to hate facial hair
But then it grew on me
I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday.
I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
To save his business, my butcher is trying an experimental process where he gives his cows magic mushrooms before slaughtering them.
Let's just say…the steaks are high.
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, “Take Your Kid to Work Day.” As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her…
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
I was pulling my boxers off in bed last night
When the wife said to me, “You spoil those dogs.”
Personally, I don’t believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
My dad died last year because I couldn’t remember his blood type in time for the paramedics to give him a blood transfusion.
As he was dying he kept saying be positive, but it's been really hard without him.
Luke:”Yoda, are we heading the right direction?”
Yoda:”Off course, we are.”
What’s the difference between fine wine and fine women?
Fine wine doesn’t try and escape from my cellar.
The bouncer said to me, “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” I said, “Why?”
They said, “I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline.”
So a priest is walking across the market and he hears a fisher yell”DAMN FISH GET YOUR DAMN FISH” so the priest walks up to the fisher and says “you can’t just swear like that you’ll make god angry” on which the fisher replies “this is an misunderstanding these fish were caught at the dam they’re
Dam fish” The priests understands what the fisher means and buys 2 dam fish when he comes home the priest asks his wife “can you cook these dam fish for supper tomorrow”on which the wife replies surprised”dear you’re a priest you can’t just swear like that” on which the priest explains the situation. The wife understands and cooks the fish. The next day they are eating the fish and the priest asks “can someone pass me the dam fish” on which the priests son replies “that’s the spirit dad can someone pass me the fucking fries”
Why did 25 letters of the alphabet get coal for Christmas?
Because they were not E